SO deflated

The blood test Monday was negative. Michelle said I can go straight to IVF due to my age if I so choose. The statistical success rates are the same for IUI and IVF at my age, and Dr F's office has had no successful IVF pregnancies for 40 or 41 yr old patients, so I'll be sticking the IUI.

It's SO hard to stay positive this time. I'm sure they quoted the statistics to me at the initial consultation, but I obviously tuned it out. Like Han Solo said, "Never tell me the odds!" So, now that 10% success rate in the general population for 40-41 yr olds via IVF or IUI is sinking in and it's hard to accept.

If this never happens for us, I'll be okay with that (most days) but it's the not knowing that bugs me so much. It's hard to know if this is a sign to stop or a test of my faith and perserverance. I've prayed for God to show me his will. I hesitate to ask Him to make it obvious since the incident with my sister asking the same thing*. One more cycle won't hurt anything, so I'm going for it.

Hmmm - Dr Dodson's office just called back from yesterday. I wanted to know if they had any better success rates than Dr Filer. In short, no, they haven't. They've only done 6 or 7 IVF's for >40's in the past 9 yrs and none resulted in a pregnancy. Wow. That's really hard to hear. Even harder to hear (which I was aware of but again chose to ignore) is that the chances for chromosonal abnormalities is now at 50% for me. Over age 42 it just keeps going up and up. I would never terminate due to Downs' Syndrome or something, but how hard would that be to deal with in reality?? Side thought....I suppose that's God's way of matching up longevities...older mothers giving birth to short lived babies.

All this on top of that 62 or 63 yr old mother of 10 who just delivered a healthy baby. It all makes me just want to cry WHY WHY WHY? I know better than that though.


*prayer story from my sister.... She had been working at a nursing home under a contract company. Things were getting bad there. I think the company changed hands and there was a lot of shuffling going on. She prayed for God to let her know when it was time for her leave this facility and to please make it obvious. The contract company lost the contract and the facility chose not to offer the position to my sister. So, GET OUT! was a pretty obvious sign. God does have a sense of humor. :)

Friday

BFN today but it's still way early in the game

I've been tagged by Linda

List seven songs you are into right now. No matter what the genre, whether they have words, or even if they’re any good, but they must be songs you’re really enjoying now. Post these instructions in your blog along with your seven songs. Then tag seven other people to see what they’re listening to.

1-Aerosmith: Amazing
2-Aerosmith: Cryin'
3-Aerosmith: Janie's Got a Gun
4-Bryan Adams: Cuts Like a Knife
5-Hall & Oates: Maneater
6-Bob Seger: Turn the Page
7-Phil Collins: Feel it in the Air (not sure if that's the title or just the lyrics)

SunovaHutt!

My progesterone level was low in yesterday's test, even with taking 3 of these little gelcaps a day. SO.....it's back to the progesterone injections. My butt cheeks are crying just at the thought and memory of the 3 months of injections they endured for Stefanie's sake. Well, butt cheeks, suck it up. Stefanie was SO worth it, and her sibling will be too!

No pharmacies in the area had the stuff though, so the cheeks got a 24 hour reprieve until CVS gets the drug today.

This HAS to be IT

This month HAS to be our month to get pregnant!! I felt very bloated and weird crampy Monday. I asked the CNP on Tuesday and she says it was ovulation pain. I did NOT feel anything like that last month, so this month just HAS to work!!! I'm so excited and feeling very very positive.

Plus, we discussed the possibility of a 3rd cycle if need be (which it won't!) and Steve is okay with it if I am. I feel like cartoon butterflies are flying all around me! I don't get giddy very often, but it's here for me today! Hahaha.

The end of an era?

I had my 2 inseminations Monday and today. I'm kind of sad about it. We've pretty much decided that this is our last try. The stress of the whole process has been a big weight on me. If this one doesn't stick, I'm really pretty sure we're finished trying for baby #2.

Sigh. Maybe not. Michelle (the CNP) said most people doing this procedure are pregnant within 2 to 3 cycles. If this one doesn't take, and we quit at that, I think I'd always wonder if that 3rd month would've been our month. Better talk this over some more.

Approved to trigger

Yippee!!! I can reduce my Follistim again to 175 for tonight and tomorrow morning. Then I will trigger with the Ovidrel tomorrow night!!!! My IUI's are scheduled for Monday and Tuesday mornings, which is perfect timing since our auditor is supposed to be here in the office Wednesday. I'm guessing my blood pregnancy test will be 2/21, but they should tell me for sure after the IUI Monday. WOOHOO!

Doing better

I don't know if a cycle of the injectible drugs has taught my body to start behaving or what, but my estadiol was at a very desirable level yesterday. That means I could reduce my Lupron to 5 units and my Follistim to 225 units. I stayed at 300 units of Follistim the whole time last cycle, but don't need as much this time around.

On the down side, just when the bruises on my legs and stomach cleared, here I go again, bruising myself. It looks like I've been in a fight or an accident. That's okay though; it's a mnor price to pay for the possibility of another miracle in our lives.