My Little Pity Party

Nobody loves me
Everybody hates me
I'm gonna eat some worms.

The reason for my party....I had a positive ovulation predictor test Saturday which is supposed to mean inspermination the next day. I had to be at the doc's office at 6:30am Sunday for a blood test and to bring another sample from Steve. He could've come along but I didn't want to wake Stef that early. I had to wait 1-1/2 hours for the blood test results (took the opportunity and had a nap in the car). Turns out my estrogen level was way too low so they would not proceed with the insemination. Any eggs I will produce this month will be immature and would most likely result in miscarriage if fertilized. I will need a higher dose of clomid next month to give the eggs a chance to mature more.

So needless to say I was pretty upset about another month slipping away from us, another month we don't have to spare. I'm only getting closer to my 41st birthday. But when I got home and shared the bad news, instead of being understanding and supportive, Steve gave me attitude and we ended up having a huge argument all day long with lots of tears. (we don't raise our voices in arguments, so it was a quiet one) He was saying "so this is twice we've taken a sample over to them and run into problems. I'd rather just go back to the doctor in Hershey. blah blah blah"

I think, finally (after he apologized), I made him understand that I am SO much more comfortable with this doc than the Hershey doc. At least he has a local office open Mon-Thurs. Hershey is at least 30-45 minutes away. The main office in York for the doc I love is 30 minutes away, and the local office is 5 minutes from my job. I am the one who has to keep going in to get poked, prodded, blood tests, etc. He's never even MET this doctor. And I told him that these problems would still be there no matter WHO is telling us the news! In the midst of the argument I even told him I want to quit TTC altogether if we're just going to fight about the doc. (I think that's what got his attention).

Plus the issue of my mother came up again. We had planned on going to Lowe's and Walmart Sunday and mom wanted to tag along to Walmart to get a bookcase. How can it possibly take 3 freaking hours to go to Walmart, I'll never know, but it always seems to happen when she goes along. Well, Steve was installing a new faucet in our vanity and was having trouble with it leaking. When he started calling the faucet names, I decided Stef and I should just go to Walmart without him. My mother can be positively infuriating sometimes and Sunday was one of those days. She wanted this bookcase that I told her would not fit in the car with the babyseat in there. So she wanted Walmart to hold it for her til her sister could come pick it up in her truck. The idiot we were dealing with in the furniture department was no help, so I went to find someone with a red vest to help us. She told me to put it on layaway and pay all but a penny because they can't hold things for customers anymore. As I head back to the furniture dept, idiot is bringing the bookcase up to the customer service desk with mom's name written on the box. I told him what red vest told me and had him take it to layaway. Meanwhile, mom is no where to be seen. Idiot said she was heading toward the food section of the store. I searched the whole food section and still didn't find her so I decided screw it, I'm doing the shopping I came here to do.

Just as I'm looking at the shoes for Stef (in the back of the store), I'm being paged to meet my party at the front of the store. There's mom with a blue vest on the phone trying to figure out where idiot put the bookcase. Mom's paid for the thing and they were now going to hold it for her! GRRRR!! I told them idiot put it in layaway and left to finish my shopping.

Then of course, we had to stop at my aunt's house to give her the bookcase receipt so she can pick it up later. Well, mom tries to turn this into a visit instead of stop-off. The problem with that is...Stef has not had lunch yet and it's now 1:00, her usual nap time. I finally said 'Mom! I have to get Stef some food and a nap! Let's GO!' She says ok, but of course has to stop and look at my aunt's garden. 'MOM! Stef is hungry and tired!' Luckily I always have some banana cookies in the car, so Stef at least got a little something in her stomach.

So now, Steve is calling my cellphone saying he's going to my sister's to help get her air conditioners out of the windows. I said Cool, bring Stef a sandwich and I'll meet you there. BUT when I am dropping mom off, she says 'Wait and I'll get your Avon and the Avon for the ppl at your work'. Naturally the Avon is not bagged up. After waiting about 15 minutes, which seemed like an eternity listening to Stef whine and cry in the back seat, I was about to tell her I'd come back for it later, but now she's ready.

Fine! So now I feel like a horrible mother for missing Stef's lunch and naptime PLUS an inadequate woman that can't even make the appropriate amount of estrogen to release a good egg even while on clomid. And Steve gives me attitude again. He keeps making snide remarks to Stefanie about mommy not feeding her, etc. This is the beginning of the river of my tears. I simply cannot stop crying at this point. Anybody that I might have called for support would not understand a word I said thru all the sobbing anyway.

Well, he finally apologized and we talked it out calmly and made nice. I promised to try to keep the weekends just for us and he promised to try and be more supportive.

And yesterday I was just still feeling residual rotteness, hence the pity party.

God bless anybody who actually read all that crap, but it felt good just getting it out.

BTW, we talked this morning about still TTC and he still wants to try and says he guesses he's ok with this doctor. So, I shall not be going back on birth control.

I have to go get my ovaries fondled Thursday to check for any residual cysts and I guess that's when I can pick up my new stronger Rx for next months's clomid.

An interesting question

My sister, God love her, posed a thought provoking question earlier this week. While I was talking to her about my infertility issues, she asked if we'd discussed a 2nd baby with our primary caregivers (MIL and mom) to see if they thought they could handle two children. My answer.....ummmm not really. I know for a fact that my mom can't even handle Stefanie full time (one day a week plus a half day once in awhile is all mom does now). I keep hearing Gloria (MIL) say how much Stef wears her out. So I discussed it with Steve and asked him to talk to his mom about it. After all, it was totally unfair of us to just decide to try to have another baby without even discussing it with the sitters.

Steve talked to his mom last night while I was putting Stef to bed. His mother's response "Well, we'll give it a try" He had to laugh at her "It's not like we can put the baby back if it's not working out Mom!" She agreed that she can probably handle it, since Stefanie will be older and more helpful by the time any new baby could possibly show up.

I think Steve's big hope (and sort of mine too) is that he will pass his test for fulltime Kelloggs work which would enable me to be a stay-at-home-mom. I absolutely want to be a SAHM but I'm not sure that the cost of Steve's freedom is worth it. Once you work for Kelloggs, they basically own you. They pay handsomely for it but Steve is worried that he'd never be home if he goes fulltime there. Plus he's really happy (most days) at the job he currently holds. It's a really really tough position to be in. I figure God will have it work out the way it's supposed to. He simply won't let us get pregnant again if a second child would be too much for us, as a family, to handle. If we are blessed with another baby, we'll deal with the new situation as best we can, no matter who the primary caregiver is.

On a related side note, when I discussed the whole thing with Mom, I was telling her that we'd need an honest answer from both grandmothers about the possibility of a 2nd baby. Until then, she'd held her tongue about the whole issue (as is her way). I KNOW that when asked for her honest opinion, that's exactly what Mom will give. She admits that she can't handle Stef fulltime, but part time is ok so far. She also thinks we ought to quit while we're ahead. "Why tempt fate at your age? You have this one beautiful perfect sweet daughter. Why risk getting a down's baby?"

Good point, but Steve and I have already been thru all those discussions. We're mostly wanting a 2nd baby for Stefanie's sake, so that she'll have a close family member in her life. Because, at my age, I know we won't be around for her as long as younger parents will be. Plus I know Stef will be a fabulous big sister! It's hard to describe, but it just feels like we need one more baby to complete our family. And as dead set against any more as I was until this past February, for me to be longing for and desparately praying for another child, it must be true. I hope it's true.

Damn my sister for asking questions that make me think!!!