Everyone has a breaking point

Here's mine.

***Warning - especially to Jeni's sensitive eyes LOL - I'm pissed and I've used the F word multiple times in this post****

It's a full moon tonight, so I have to blame some of this on the moon. It's been a stinky 24 hrs.

1-Last night, I forgot to take the mail and UPS out to the boxes for work.

2-I talked to Margot about Ellie's rough night and she said if it happens again, just to give her another pain pill and if that doesn't help her in 20-30 minutes, to give her another, etc. At this point, she has a terminal disease and if we OD her on pain pills to keep her comfortable, then so be it. I told her I'd wondered about that myself, how many pills would do that? She doesn't know since she's never intentionally OD'd a dog before. Anyway, Ellie had a pretty good night last night without extra pills.

3-MIL practically burst into tears this morning when we very briefly discussed daycare. I told her we need her to pick a day, she says she'd like Monday's off so she can have a 3 day weekend every other week. I said 'no, we need you to pick a day that you WANT Stef' Oh! I'll only have her one day a week! I'm going to go thru withdrawal!! And there were the tears. She tried to stifle them saying that Stef will like going to school. I said yes, she's going to love it. She's been practically begging to go to school for months now. It's all about Stef.

4-About 15 minutes after I handed out the c&p'd (because it was too long to fit on one page of paper) office calendar, one of the guys asked me to add him to the Dude-of-the-day mix...which would mean re-doing the whole damn thing and I worked hard on that sucker! So I told him it was too late for this month, but I'd add him for July. As far as I know, he doesn't even have his production number yet, so WTH? Well, he must have cried to the boss because he made me change it. The good part of that is that I shrank fonts, etc enough to make it all fit on one piece of paper. So much for the HOUR I worked on it yesterday!

5-I forgot my happy pill last night

6-I'm so full of injected hormones that I've been sort of on the edge the past few days anyway.

7-Steve keeps asking me when is the day he will have to take off work for the egg retrieval. I keep telling him I DON'T KNOW! ASK MY OVARIES!!

8-I was still stewing about a comment my supervisor made last night and I'm really personally crushed about it. He said the girls here HATE covering for me when I'm out of the office. I seriously honestly didn't think they minded beyond the computer sign-on hassle. Apparently, I was wrong. So now I'm back to feeling like I can't take any time off from work. I was thinking of telling the jerk "yeah, just wait til I get pg and see how much time I'm off work buddy boy!" But I was too busy stifling tears.

9-Supervisor called me again today, asked how I was doing. I gave the usual non-committal "I'm okay" He pushed so I told him the truth, that I'm in a pissy mood. He says "hey, watch your mouth, but why are you in a mood" (LOL! If he would've heard that mouth when I was on active duty!!! WHOA). Well, ask me a question and you'd better expect to get a fully truthful answer, especially if I'm in a mood and just got pushed. So, I listed it out for him: happy pill, hormones, calendar, etc etc. He asked if anything else was new, so I told him "well, my dog is dying." He said "Wow, I'm gonna stop talking to you people from that office." I said "okay, bye" but he kept talking. "You people have the worst luck!" "I'm sorry, but I don't think it's bad luck that my dog has bone cancer" "Oh well, not luck, but bad Karma" WTF?!?! So now it's MY fault that Ellie has cancer??!!?? Try to change the subject and get the hell off the phone since dude doesn't know when to shut up shuttin up. Hang up and burst into tears. Once I got my composure half way back, I asked one of the girls and apparently dude was right, they do hate having to cover me, or at least that one girl does. So now I'm crushed for not having known that. I've always believed it was a PITA but not too big of a deal for them. I asked a different girl and she said my belief was true for her at least. Still, I am back to feeling like I can't take any time off work without it being a huge big deal for the rest of the f'ing firm!

10-After my dentist appointment (which I did for my lunch hour!), I came back and found a check laying on my desk in a window envelope, so I assumed it was to be mailed out (if it were for pickup, it would have been in a regular envelope). I sealed it, stamped it, and took it to the mailbox with the rest of yesterday's mail that I'd forgotten. Twenty minutes later, client comes to the window looking to pick up a check. I call the girl who would have entered the check request, she tells me it's already printed and laying on my desk. Well FUCK a HUTT! I just put that in the mailbox. Client was not at all upset, but I sure was. What ELSE can I screw up today????

11-One of the brokers comes to me in a bit of a panic about some error from earlier this month that doesn't look fixed and today, of course, is the cutoff for statements and if it doesn't get fixed today, it'll take her 2 hrs to explain to the client why it's on their statement, blah blah blah. I had a part in THAT screw up too!!

12-I vented all this to my good friend in the York office and she asked if there was anything she could do to help. I told her to ask Supervisor to please not call me anymore today. She relayed that (and a bit of the reason behind it, I'm sure). So at 3:32, doesn't the idiot call me again. He just wants to clarify that the CA's don't hate me. I said "I never said that. I said that you said they hate having to cover for me when I'm out." He tries to explain himself to death that NOBODY likes having to cover for each other, nobody likes having to do extra work, and they don't hate me so I shouldn't feel guilty for taking the time off that is due to me. He's trying to alleviate how much they have to cover me by sending the cashier from the York office to cover part of the time for me, that this office is very lucky to have a full-time operations person that probably does more for them than other ops people would let them get away with, and don't read into THAT that you're job is in jeopardy cause it's not. Blah blah blah. SHUT UP SHUTTIN UP RABBIT!!! I try to tell him that I can't talk about it anymore, but he freaking just keeps talking and talking and talking and I keep crying and crying and crying. I finally snap and said "you just don't have any idea do you?? You don't get it, how much is on my plate already! I don't need this on top of it all! I was happily oblivious! I just don't need this" He tried to say that he does understand about my plate but wanted me to explain why this was more on top of it, like why does it bother me so much. I just whispered that I had to go, have to go, have to go...and hung up.

So he calls my good friend in York again fearfully worried about me and wants me to go home and maybe take tomorrow off too. Of course now she's worried about me. But I could explain to her that I just need to concentrate on my job, keep my mind busy, and NOT TALK ABOUT THE FUCKING ISSUE ANY MORE!! So I asked her to tell him again to not call me about it. If he has business to talk about, that's fine, but no more on this subject!

Deep breath! Sigh. He's a nice guy but he's a fucking asshole! (quote from one of Steve's former co-workers - I stole it cause I love it)

Quick like a bunny

Ellie had 2 bad days, then a good day yesterday. She's still holding her own.

Stef was freaking cracking me up. If you ask her what is the name of our river (Susquehanna), her answer is Squawkee-anna! When she asks to watch Bambi, it is more like Bandi. She was hitting on her new T-ball set like a champ. Usually it was the T that got hit, rather than the ball. She won a little teddy bear at the fair, all by herself by throwing a dart and popping a balloon. She won a freaking goldfish and named it Memo or Nemo, depending on how closely you listen to her. She won a giraffe at the "fishing pond". Typical fair crap, but she loves them.

I had bloodwork this morning, but haven't heard the results yet. It's just to let me know if I have to increase my dosage or not. I sheepishly had to confess to Dr F that I forgot my injection last night. He said it's okay, just keep going. So now the Nemo song "just keep swimming just keep swimming" is stuck in my head.

The reason I forgot my injection last night was that it took me 3 hours to get Stef to bed. She was just about out and then the lovely neighbors started setting off fireworks. At first Stef thought it was Daddy knocking on her door. "let's go see Mommy. Daddy wants to come in" Then she thought Fire Crackers were something good to eat. Then she thought the firecrackers were in our house, then they were knocking on the window. Grrr Grrr Grrrr.

No meals???

Daycare #1, LL, is practically in our backyard, only costs $1/day more than daycare #2, and has all the same credentials as #2. They also have an indoor play village for when the weather is ugly, so the kids don't have to just stay in their room all day. They don't, however, serve any meals. They give a morning snack of fresh fruit, so I'd have to feed Stef breakfast before dropping her off, plus pack her a brown bag lunch. I was turned off by that and by the "strict schedule" the director says the teacher sticks to. The teacher is supposedly by-the-book-no-nonsense, which I wouldn't mind too much, but there should be some flexibility. They also do not use 1-2-3 Magic. I asked what do they do for discipline then. Basically, redirection with a choice between a different activity or going to the library for a cool down. Our neighbor 2 doors down was telling Steve last night that he was none too impressed with LL either.

Daycare #2, LP, is still on my way to work, serves breakfast and a hot lunch, is open til midnight for 2nd shifters, has separate playgrounds for the little kids and the bigger kids, uses 1-2-3, ensures hand washing and tooth brushing at meal times, has parent's nights out to raise money for field trips a couple times a year, and just seemed more in tune with the real world. Steve didn't go with me to see LL, but did see LP. We're going to talk about it a little more this weekend, but I think we're sold on LP. The only real drawback is that you have to cross 2 lanes of ugly traffic at the top of Chickies Hill for picking up and going home. If it's too ugly, I'll just drive on to Marietta and turn around, then go down Chickies and turn around again at the Burger King. Problem solved.

Next, Steve has to make his mom believe that we're for real about this. She will still get Stef one day a week and so will my mom, but it's daycare for the other 3 days. I don't think MIL thinks we're serious. Good luck with that one Honey!

Panic for potty?

Stef has been doing wonderfully with potty training; no daytime accidents for weeks now. Sometimes she gets positively panicky about having to go. "I got to go potty!! I don't want to pee my panties!!!" I kind of like that it's so important to her, but then again almost think something is wrong, like somebody yelled at her about peeing her panties (nobody that lives in our house). Last night, just as I was ready to leave her room and go to my own bed, she started crying really hard and sort of acting like she was trying to get away from something. She wouldn't tell me what was wrong. I just did my best to comfort her until she went back to sleep. Then I noticed her nighttime pullup was squishy. I'm thinking she had to pee but couldn't wake herself up quite enough to get up and go, but was also panicked about peeing her panties. She even mentioned this morning that she peed her panties. I told her it was her night time panties and it's okay because she's still learning and to try again next time.

Anybody else seeing panic potty attacks?

Happy Birthday Ellie!!

You made it to 11 years old!! I know, we just picked a day in May and the vet picked May as your month. It's all a guess. But it's the day we choose to celebrate you sweet baby. More liver and another roast are on your menu for tonight!!

Spasms

I have at least 3 spasms hanging on since Friday. UGH! I have an MRI scheduled for this afternoon. The VA hasn't done any imaging since 1995. The WC doc wants to compare but good luck getting images out of the VA archives.

Ellie did pretty well this weekend except Friday night (after I was passed out from the pain pills) she jumped on the fence to bark at something and cried when she came back down. I've even seen her putting the booboo foot on the ground once in awhile.

So cute - whenever Stef sees a puffy dandelion, she blows it and wishes "Ellie booboo leg go away" or "baby sister" I coached her for the Ellie wish and I think she remembers Logan's wish for the sister one.

Owwie

Stupid stupid stupid postal worker!! The grumpy bald dude just hands me the crate of mail this morning with a big box in it, with no forewarning about how heavy the beast is! The box weighs about 35 lbs just by itself. I'm not supposed to be lifting anything over 20 lbs max! All I could say is "WHOA" and dropped it to the ground. I couldn't even kick the sucker down the ramp like I do sometimes. So I had to go get the wheely cart out of my trunk, bring it back up to the dock and load it from there. That was no easy task either. Great holy Sith spawn!! Ow ow ow ow. So now I'm wearing the TENS on pretty high power and reported the injury to our worker's comp people. I guess I should call the VA too, to get it put in my chart. Like I have time for this crap now!

Ellie is doing about the same. No changes since yesterday. I just have to comment about how incredibly soft and silky her ears are and I love stroking them. She prefers to have her neck scratched, but I sneak in an ear rub every once in awhile too. :)

Kibble strike is over

Ellie refused to eat supper Tuesday and breakfast Wednesday. I know the tramadol really really suppresses the appetite (I'd like some too please!) So I got some beef liver (YUCK!!!) and a cheap pot roast. She devoured the liver for supper and was very happy to have some pot roast and juice for breakfast. Presh was very happy about this too. We had a really long snuggle before bed last night. It was a good night.

Nothing else going on right now.

A good evening

Ellie had a good evening Monday. She was even trying to play with Presh and I hated to break it up, but we can't risk a bone break. It did my heart good to see her in the "let's play" stance again.

Last night and this morning's kibble went untouched though. She wouldn't even eat a biscuit. She is still happily taking her pile-o-pills wrapped in a piece of turkey lunchmeat. I will have to go buy some more turkey and try that in her food again. Maybe she doesn't really like the ground turkey and rice.

Monday night, Stef and I stopped at the Rag Shop. I wanted to see if they had any stepping stone kits that I could put Ellie's pawprint in. While I was looking, Stef was spinning around in a circle. Next thing I know, she's flat on her face on the floor, screaming. She busted her lip - cut it on her tooth. I feel horrible for her. It doesn't seem to bother her anymore though.

I'm still in research mode for the daycare situation. Must make some phone calls....

She's giving me "the look"

Ellie, that is. It's been a week now since she last put weight on the bad leg. I had to carry her down the steps yesterday and I have to help her go up the steps. I talk to her alot and ask her to please let me know when it's time. That look has been different the last 2 days. Totally not something I wanted to think about on Mother's Day.

The vet asked 2 important questions:
1) is she still eating? answer - only because I started adding ground turkey and rice to her kibble
2) is she still happy to see her family? - answer - yes but much less so

Margot feels that if those 2 questions are still yes, it's not time yet. But then again, we know our dog better than anybody. She'd like to see how Ellie will do with another medication increase. If she's obviously not getting any relief, then it's time.

It'll be $64.50 to say goodbye plus $77 for a group cremation or $155 for a private cremation. I haven't decided how I feel about that yet. Is it important to me to have her ashes? I know her soul will be gone long before then and that's the part of her I love. It almost feels wrong not to have her remains returned to us though. That's probably just the part of me that doesn't want to let go of her.

Voluntarily quitting?

MIL told Steve last night that after Stef's swim school is over (in about a month I think) she wants to not have Stef every other Monday. Working and taking care of Stef are just too overwhelming for her. She's tired and depressed and her body hurts. Steve was saying to me that he would be happy to take all her Monday's, Tuesday's, Wednesday's, AND Thursday's away. I'm thinking more along the lines of one day a week at each grandmothers and 3 days a week in daycare. It's barely any difference $ wise between that and fulltime. This would keep both grandmothers from going into total Stef withdrawal and would be good for Stef too. Maybe for now, I will suggest 2 days/wk in daycare, then 3 days after swim school is over. I just have to talk Steve into it.

My mom's bathtub is still leaking. Apparently whoever from CAP installed the pipes in the first place didn't actually line up the drain pipe with the drain hole. They just got it pretty close, but it wasn't grabbing any threads at all. Steve tried a semi-quick fix, but if it's still leaking, he wants to rebuild the whole assembly. Maybe he can do that Saturday while I take Stef to Logan's party. That'll teach him to be a party pooper. In his defense, he's not coming because he's on call and already has a buddy covering for him so he can go to some mandatory Kellogg's training. He didn't really feel comfortable asking the buddy to cover him all afternoon too.

The audit man cometh

Our internal auditor is in the area this week. So far, he's looking at all our office's stuff at the parent office but he'll probably come down here early next week. Anyway, that is the reason for my conspicuous absense this week. Nothing new going on. Same old same old.

Happy Birthday Stefanie Jaina!!

At 2:07pm, 3 yrs ago, you were born via C-Section at Women's and Babies' Hospital. I didn't get to see you again until sometime after 5 because my toes just would not wiggle for the longest time. I've been SO in love with you ever since. It's been a wonderful 3 years and I can't wait to see you again tonight. You and Daddy and the Babies and I will have ice cream cake and open your gift from us. Happy Birthday baby girl!!!

The weekend update

I'm Chevy Chase and you're not.

I did come down with some kind of ugly flu after all. I was feeling feverish, shaky, shivery, and headachey all afternoon Friday. It only got worse that night (I had to actually go take a nap in my mom's bed while Steve worked on the plumbing) and the next morning. I was running about 101 Saturday until 1 or 2:00. Then I felt fairly human again. So what did I do? Rest? HA! No way dude! I broke out the vacuum and steam cleaner and *gasp* the Pledge!!!

I made like the white tornado and vac'd and steam cleaned carpet throughout the whole house (except the guest room which isn't dirty), steams cleaned the couch, decluttered the kitchen counters and dusted the living room. I missed the sale on chicken breast tenders, but oh well. I just couldn't DO anymore after all that cleaning. Even weirder...Stef took a spontaneous 2-1/2 hr nap!!

My neice Sarah, cancelled her performance in the voice recital Sunday. She's sick and is having trouble with her voice anyway. No point in stressing it further.

I still felt pretty punky Sunday, but since I left Steve sleep til noon, he was perfectly willing to help me out. We got all the laundry together and started. He made lunch (I still wasn't eating much at that point), went to the grocery store with us (and sat in the car with a sleeping Stef the whole time), then made supper.

Ellie was looking pretty good Sunday evening so I thought we could all go for a short walk as a family. Stef strapped on her roller skates, helmet, and pads. I harnessed up the doggies. It must have been quite a site coming down the sidewalk. Stef was in the middle of us on her skates. We each had a hand. We also each had a dog. Dog-parent-stef-parent-dog. If only there had been someone to take a picture. Anyway, we stopped briefly to talk to a neighbor/dobie owner just around the corner from our house. A girl about Stef's age opened the door to the house next to where we were standing. A little puff ball dust bunny of a dog came charging out of this house, straight for us. I instinctively pulled Ellie's gentle leader up tight so she couldn't move her head at all. Her hackles were up and she would have loved to have a little dog sandwich. Steve had Presh and Stef, so his hands were full and unavailable for help. I tried to grab the dust bunny by it's scruff while it was comically leaping in the air trying to reach Ellie's neck. The owner came out and retrieved it before I could get a good hold. No harm no foul. The little dog just wanted a shot at the title.

Ellie must have tensed up while dust bunny was trying to reach her carotid because after the whole thing was over, she cried and cried and held her booboo leg up. I thought I was going to have to carry her home. But less than a minute later, trooper that she is, Ellie wanted to finish her walk. She's pretty sore this morning even, so I gave her 1-1/2 oxycodone and we'll see how she is tonight.

Full moon residue

My day started off great....really it did. I got up and let Presh out, not feeling too tired. Went back to bed for a great *wink wink nudge nudge say no more say no more*. Stef woke up early and happy. We all sat down to eat a bowl of cereal together. I actually got out the door a little early, which was great since I was supposed to drop the car off at the dealer for it's overdue service.

When we got to my mom's, the door was still locked, but I knew she was downstairs already because Neelix was out in the yard. Just as I was about to go back to the car to get my key, she opened the door and said "it's a disaster zone in here". It sure is! A pipe must have burst between the floors. She said the water got COLD and much less pressure all the sudden during her shower this morning. It gushed out of the living room ceiling, wiped out 3 drop ceiling tiles and drenched her chair, medicines, papers, phone, etc. When she came downstairs, the water was ankle deep. Beings that the house is 100+ yrs old, the water started draining thru the wood floor boards to the basement. Cool. She went down and turned on the sump.

She was getting ready to call the insurance company, but realized her phone is out of service. I know it was working at 7am because I called to make sure she was awake. The water gush either knocked the basement phone off the hook or messed up the phone lines in the walls. Meanwhile, we have to stand outside to use my cell phone to make the call because her house is a black hole for technology. They will pay for the cleanup and damage but not for the plumber to come fix the leak.

Mom's plumber is Steve. I called and asked if he could come help her right after work (even though we all know he has to work a 16 hr shift at Kellogg's tomorrow). He said he has the plastic pipe glue at home, so I told him to go home after work, take care of the dogs, get the glue, then come down and help mom. I said I'd leave out which pills Ellie is supposed to get .... OH FUCK! I forgot to give her the morning pills!!! I was already late for work, and forget Saturn, so I called the office and told them my whole sad story, ran back home, gave poor gimpy baby her pills, and rushed into work.

There were 3 or 4 problems waiting for me here at the office, but they are dealt with now (I hope). I still have to figure out the new change system for the new phone system. TGIF!!

birthday

On to happier things....I am cautiously announcing that Stef is completely day potty trained. Of course, now she'll have a big accident, but she's doing SO well! She even runs in from playing when she has to go. Sometimes she wakes up dry, but not always.

We broke out her new roller skates last night. She had a blast even if she wasn't actually really skating. It was more like being wheeled around by mommy and/or daddy.

Here are some slideshows of her birthday party (I guess I didn't take very many pix that day - Help me out Angela!!), riding her bicycle, and 2 roller skating videos.

biking

roller skating

skating

Just off the phone

Margot just called me back about the panting. She asked if the limping was worse; it is. Increased panting with increased limping = pain response. We went over the medication schedule and revised dosages a bit. She also gave me guidelines for how much I can increase each of the 3 meds without getting permission first. So, for now, it's:

Oxycodone - 1 full pill 3x's/day
Tramadol - 2 full pills 3x's/day (enhances the oxy)
Dex - 3 pills 2x's/day (decreases pain windup - something about the pain impulses gathering at a certain place in a dog's brain which increases her perception of the pain level - she feels more pain than she's really in)

The next step up will be 1-1/2 pills 3x's/day of Oxy. The Tramadol can be increased up to 4 pills 3x's/day. The Dex can be increased to 9 pills 2x's/day. Margot is not ready to say that it's time to go to Morphine yet. It won't really work in our situation anyway since it HAS to be given every 4 hrs (doesn't last as long as the oxy). When I asked if she thinks it is progressing pretty quickly, she said "well, it's progressing. I wouldn't say you've had her on an excessive amount of Oxy yet, so it's not that quickly yet"

God bless Margot. She's a true gift of a friend. I pray for her alot. She's got a really tough job.

Not so good

Since we got home last night, Ellie has really been favoring her booboo leg;not even putting it down alot of the time. I increased her dosage of Tramadol (okay'd by vet ahead of time) but she's still really really sore looking today. I gave her 3 dex's (instead of 2) this morning and a full oxycodone (instead of 1/2) and one tramadol. We'll see how she is tonight. I'm still not concerned/scared enough to use that secret magic cell phone # though.