At last, it's LATER

I have some time right now, while I'm waiting for it to be time to go to my OB-GYN appointment. I'm hoping that this turns into my first prenatal appointment rather than the "we've been trying to conceive for 6 months now and can't get pregnant again" appointment, as it is currently set up. I don't blame my eggs for not wanting to come out. They're old and tired. It must be so cozy for them to stay inside the ovaries. I did have one brave egg emerge in 2003, thank God!

Stefanie has been SO funny lately. I just love watching her walk/toddle around. She's gotten into a routine of grabbing her tiny little purse, throwing her play keys inside, putting the purse on her shoulder, then heading for the door. Sometimes, she even waves bye-bye at the door. Last night, she tucked one of the dog's bones under her arm and was running back and forth between her room and our room. It was hilarious. I thanked God for the moment, because I certainly needed the laugh right then.

For some reason, hormones and circumstances hit me very very hard Saturday. I guess it had a lot to do with Steve "picking" alot lately. He gets this horrible habit from his ex-step-dad. He seems to think he's being funny and I think it's one of his ways of trying to communicate things he's uncomfortable saying out loud and directly. He'll make a comment about the "jungle" of a back yard, when he really means that he'd prefer to have all little shrubs and mulch rather than the variety of plants, shrubs, flowers, etc I've decided to grow. Actually, most of the plants are things my mom decided I should have, but that's a whole different issue to be addressed in another posting.

Steve's mother, Gloria, who watches Stefanie for us while we work, is a piece of work too, and deserves a whole posting of her own. But I digress.... Gloria had lived with us for about 2 months earlier this year, while she was between residences due to the breakup of her marriage. She was great during this time in helping with the cooking and cleaning. Towards the end of her stay she was getting a bit too much into our business and it was definately time for her to get her own place. Anyway, she left us her Swiffer Wet Jet because it was "so much easier and nicer than how you were washing this floor". First of all, GRRRR. Second of all, maybe it is easier but I don't think I took the whole suggestion well. So, not only did she leave the Swiffer behind when she moved out, then she buys us the pads and solution for it. Well, I haven't cleaned the kitchen floor since she brought the supplies to us (I know - yuck, but we've been sick, busy, etc). This past Friday, she's bugging about the Swiffer, because she's getting tired of cleaning her apartment's kitchen floor with a sponge. Can you see my eye-roll from there? I told her to go ahead and take it to clean her floor, but NO! She insists on leaving it for us to try.

I'm on day #28 of this month's cycle, so I'm sure hormones are peaking. Add to that, Steve's picking, Gloria's bugging, my mom's normal self, the normal self-doubt's I have about my own parenting skills and sadness about not being a stay-at-home mom. Add a 14 month old and 2 dogs' whining and barking. Result...hormonal induced meltdown. The tears started while I was getting Stefanie ready for bed. I got composure back when I went downstairs to spend the rest of the evening with Steve. When I got in the shower before bed, it ALL broke loose. I even felt suicidal for a time. I simply could not stop crying. As the hot water started running out, I got most of my composure back again. But Steve knows me too well to get away with that. He asked the inevitable question...what's wrong? That always turns the water works back on for me. I confessed to him that I felt totally inadequate. He asked if he causes that. I said sometimes. That sometimes I don't know how he can stay with me when he hates so many things about me (the garden, the tupperware, the mild clutter in the house). I could see the hurt in his eyes as he realized he was responsible for at least some of the tears on his shoulder. I hated myself for hurting him but knew it had to be said to keep from letting myself get hurt further.

Crap - outta time again. Will post more on this tomorrow. Don't worry though. I feel good today. No more tears or feelings of utter hopelessness.