Officially finished

Steve and I had our talk about continuing to try for baby #2 last night. I KNEW he didn't understand what all was involved in egg donation. He's definately not into that. I told him that's pretty much our only hope besides lots more prayers. He still thinks that if he does his homework more often, I'll get pregnant. I'm certainly not going to discourage his homework goals, but if there is no good egg to hook up with, he can do homework all day every day and it won't get me pregnant.

So, no more medical intervention, no more shots, no more pills. If it happens it will happen naturally due to even more prayers. I'm just glad to have actually come to a decision so I know where we stand. I'm okay with having our family complete as is (most of the time). It's really hard to see pregnant women and little babies right now. But that will get better in time too.

If it's God's will, I'll get pregnant unexpectedly, just like our miracle baby Stefanie.

Aaaaaahhhhhh!

I just had Monday and Tuesday off to spread the mulch on the gardens. I ran out btw, could've used one more scoop. I SO needed those 2 days and all the physical work that filled them. It was a great stress buster. I feel SO much better now.

Plus Steve and I are still thinking about maybe doing egg donation. We just really need to sit down and have a good talk about it. I'm not sure that he fully understands what it involves and what it all means.

Stef and I had such a great time the past 2 days too. We played outside Monday. Yesterday, we made cupcakes. (white cake with white icing so we could color them) She had the best time mixing the food coloring into the cake mix and icing. Later, I was in the living room and I hear Stef in the kitchen saying "Mmmmm. Mmmmmm. Mmmm" She was dipping her finger in the icing of the cupcake nearest the edge of the counter. She is hilarious! Cracks me up everyday.

Monday, she made an artistic masterpiece that I hated to get rid of. She fingerpainted with yogurt on the living room window. Boy was she angry when I cut her off at the pass as she headed to the window with her yogurt cup on Tuesday.

I just don't get it!

How can any parent just wipe their children from their mind?

I've seen evidence that my dad may be back in town again. Without telling me, AGAIN. When he and his woman were here last time, their car had a license plate frame that had Ken & Barb on the top, and his last name on the bottom (not typing so it's not Google-able by him). When they went back to California without telling me (but telling his cousin), I would assume they either took their car with them, or sold it and flew out. Either way, I've seen this same license plate frame in my home town again, twice, in the same area on a big black SUV.

If he sold the car, and then the buyer traded it in on this SUV, why would this new owner keep the frame with someone else's name on it??? I think he's back and living in an apartment on Locust Street (not the best neighborhood in town).

I am SO finished with him. But I need to get the cemetary plots straightened out, and his name is on the deed jointly with Mom's. Or I could just forget he exists too, and wait for him to die. Then the deed will convert to either Mom or my sister and I, depending on if Mom is still with us when he goes. AGH! What a jerk!

We're finished.

Steve and I talked this morning. I needed time to pray about this and hear the answer in my heart. He's in agreement. We're finished trying for a second baby. No egg donor. No adoption. We're happy with our little family.

I still need time to get over these feelings. My feeling now is that the baby fever was not put in my heart by God and it's just not meant to be. I can't help but feel like I've let Steve and Stefanie down. Like a failure as a woman. Please don't tell me not to feel like this. I feel it and I need to finish feeling it.

We really wanted Stef to have a sibling. We each have one sibling and wanted her to have that close sharing bond growing up. We also wanted her to have someone after we're gone. She can never say we didn't try.

Just as I suspected

I'm not pregnant.

All FRED's say no

All the First Response Early Detection home pregnancy tests I took (Fri, Sat, and Sun) were negative...glaringly white negatives. I hold little hope that today's blood test will be otherwise. My gut feeling is that my ass is a pincushion all for naught. Now that the possibility is really looming, I'm not so sure how I feel about the egg donation idea. Steve and I need to really talk about it tonight if today's news is what I think it is.

Finally Friday

The home pregancy test was a big fat glaringly white negative today. But I have to remind myself that I'm only 11 days past ovulation, which is still way early. I will keep testing over the weekend, mostly so Steve will be there to share the positive if we get one. And if I keep getting negatives, it helps prepare me for a possible negative blood test Monday.

I actually dreamed last night that I got a positive home test. Wishful thinking or a good sign? We shall see.

I'm just about convinced that Stefanie was my last good egg and egg donation is the way God wants us to go. I keep hearing about it now lately, and never really heard about it before. Let's cross that bridge if need be.

Tick tock tick tock

The 2 week wait is always hard, but this cycle's 2ww is killing me! I want to know if I'm pregnant, and I want to know NOW! Testing before Friday would just be pissing money away though. Is it Friday yet?

Poor Stefanie. She has a sinus infection. I feel so bad that she's taking after me in that department. She's on amoxycillan. Steve and I are both allergic to penicillin and he and his mom are both freaked about Stef taking a drug in the same family. I checked with the pediatrician's office and they said just to watch for a rash, especially since that's the reaction both of us have to pcn. A reaction will typically show within the first 2 or 3 doses.

Is it Friday yet?

What a great weekend!

Except for Steve having to work a 12 hour shift Saturday, we had one of the best weekends in ages. The weather was SO nice Saturday. Stefanie and I played on the playground, then did some work in the back yard. She's such a little helper. She had a great nap, although it was interrupted by some kid ringing the doorbell (which drives the dogs into a barking frenzy) - something about collecting money for the Heart Association. I would normally have been happy to donate, but it pissed me off that they woke Stef too early from her nap. Sweet baby that she is, she was still pleasant the rest of the day anyway.

I took care of the grocery shopping, started the laundry, and vaccuumed upstairs and downstairs. It just felt great that I did most of the weekend crap on Saturday so we wouldn't have to deal with it Sunday PLUS had some great play time with Stef.

Sunday, we went to the record show. Stef was surprisingly tolerant of standing around looking at music for much longer than I expected. We took some comfort food to Steve's mom, as she's now got the chest flu that we all had. Also took her some medicine. She actually called off work all weekend and she's taking today as a sick day from watching Stef too. That's cool because my mom is actually feeling pretty well lately (I think it's because the weather is getting nice again and the sun's been shining a lot).

Only a week to go til the last blood test. I'll be taking a HPT Friday. Walmart was sold out of Equate brand, which I hear has the lowest sensitivity level, so I'm stuck with FRED again this month. I can't wait to see that 2nd pink line!!!

Sick of feeling sick (maybe TMI for some people)

After barely recovering from the stupid bronchitis, now my house has been battling the stomach flu. I started with it on Tuesday;just didn't feel quite right all day. Steve had been home sick with his bout of the chest cold so I made him a big batch of chicken pot pie. SO not fair! I couldn't even eat any of it!!! While I was rolling out the dough, I begged him to take over with the cooking because I was either going to puke or pass out. I felt better when I sat down and rested, but as soon as he brought me my plate of pot pie I ran for the bathroom.

Poor Stefanie. She cried because I left the room without. She could tell something was wrong. She talked daddy into letting her come out of the living room and promptly opened the bathroom door and started stroking my hair (and trying to look in the toilet to see what was so interesting in there that mommy was studying it so closely). I couldn't even put her to bed without running to the bathroom every 10-15 minutes. Poor baby. She finally was tired enough that 10 minutes did it for her. I spent the rest of the night (until 3am anyway) sitting on the toilet and hurling into the trash can. There was NOTHING left, yet I couldn't stop heaving. I spent Wednesday in bed. That's 3 sick incidents just this year! Totally not normal for me.

Stef only threw up once before I got her up Wednesday then seemed fine. We started her on the clear liquids diet and moved on up to light solids by the end of the day with no problems. So Thursday, my mother-in-law put her back on her regular menu. Eggs and toast for breakfast. But then she wouldn't eat anything the rest of the day. Apparently it was because her breakfast was still sitting in her tummy all day long. As I was putting her to bed, she burped a VERY wet burp. She let out 4 or 5 heaves and I was covered in eggs, toast, water, and juice. Lovely. I surprised myself at how calm I stayed for her sake. "Uh-oh. Let's clean this up"

She threw up again at 11pm and at 11:45pm. It was quiet the rest of the night, but she was NOT ready to get up this morning. Very clingy and whiney. My mom has her now and last I heard, she's feeling MUCH better. We'll see how tonight goes.

Permission to ovulate, Sir?

I just got the ok to trigger ovulation Saturday night. My IUI's will be Monday and Tuesday morning. That means I will probably have a blood test scheduled for March 20. I'm sort of nervous, but also have pretty low expectations at this point. Trying to stay positive!!!

Scary scary moment

Sometimes I swear I have more work ethic than brains. With all my lung issues, I still insisted on walking the deposit to the bank yesterday. It was too much for me to handle yet. I coughed the whole way to the bank and the whole back. It's only ONE block away! I seriously thought I was going to pass out on the street, but somehow made it back into the lobby. One co-worker fetched my rescue inhaler for me while I rested on the couch. I was still coughing so much that I couldn't get a good hit on from the inhaler. The office manager walked by on his way out to a meeting (that he was already late for) and he wouldn't leave til I felt better (what a good dude). He just didn't know what to do for me. Sometimes blowing my nose helps, so he got me a tissue. No good. Another co-worker and long-time asthma sufferer came by and asked what she could do, so I had her pound on my back with cupped hands. That calmed me down enough that I could at least hit the inhaler. Boss said today that he was about ready to call 911. Honestly, I was about ready to ask him to make that call. That was the worst asthma attack I've EVER had. I really don't feel any better today either, but was sick of laying around the house at home, and didn't feel like fooling with getting a doctor's note for being out 3 days in a row. It must be my military training. You just plain DO NOT call in sick in the Air Force.

I met my new supervisor today. Seems like a very nice man. He wants to come back next week to talk to me some more. I know the new complex-manager loves me already. (impressed by my organizational skills - which are really just survival skills so I'm not completely lost - easier to organize it now than to try and find it later). I hope the new supervisor likes me too.

Coughing up a lung

I have bronchitis on top of a sinus infection on top of a severe asthma attack. Also running a fever over 100 since Saturday. Doc gave me an antibiotic, prednisone, and instructions to hit my asthma inhaler 4 times a day. I stayed home from work Monday and Tuesday, but am braving work today. I had to go for ultrasound and bloodwork this morning anyway. Plus my Follistim refill was being delivered to the office and I need it for tonight's injection. Maybe I'll just go home now that it's been delivered. I feel completely like crap.