SO deflated

The blood test Monday was negative. Michelle said I can go straight to IVF due to my age if I so choose. The statistical success rates are the same for IUI and IVF at my age, and Dr F's office has had no successful IVF pregnancies for 40 or 41 yr old patients, so I'll be sticking the IUI.

It's SO hard to stay positive this time. I'm sure they quoted the statistics to me at the initial consultation, but I obviously tuned it out. Like Han Solo said, "Never tell me the odds!" So, now that 10% success rate in the general population for 40-41 yr olds via IVF or IUI is sinking in and it's hard to accept.

If this never happens for us, I'll be okay with that (most days) but it's the not knowing that bugs me so much. It's hard to know if this is a sign to stop or a test of my faith and perserverance. I've prayed for God to show me his will. I hesitate to ask Him to make it obvious since the incident with my sister asking the same thing*. One more cycle won't hurt anything, so I'm going for it.

Hmmm - Dr Dodson's office just called back from yesterday. I wanted to know if they had any better success rates than Dr Filer. In short, no, they haven't. They've only done 6 or 7 IVF's for >40's in the past 9 yrs and none resulted in a pregnancy. Wow. That's really hard to hear. Even harder to hear (which I was aware of but again chose to ignore) is that the chances for chromosonal abnormalities is now at 50% for me. Over age 42 it just keeps going up and up. I would never terminate due to Downs' Syndrome or something, but how hard would that be to deal with in reality?? Side thought....I suppose that's God's way of matching up longevities...older mothers giving birth to short lived babies.

All this on top of that 62 or 63 yr old mother of 10 who just delivered a healthy baby. It all makes me just want to cry WHY WHY WHY? I know better than that though.


*prayer story from my sister.... She had been working at a nursing home under a contract company. Things were getting bad there. I think the company changed hands and there was a lot of shuffling going on. She prayed for God to let her know when it was time for her leave this facility and to please make it obvious. The contract company lost the contract and the facility chose not to offer the position to my sister. So, GET OUT! was a pretty obvious sign. God does have a sense of humor. :)

Friday

BFN today but it's still way early in the game

I've been tagged by Linda

List seven songs you are into right now. No matter what the genre, whether they have words, or even if they’re any good, but they must be songs you’re really enjoying now. Post these instructions in your blog along with your seven songs. Then tag seven other people to see what they’re listening to.

1-Aerosmith: Amazing
2-Aerosmith: Cryin'
3-Aerosmith: Janie's Got a Gun
4-Bryan Adams: Cuts Like a Knife
5-Hall & Oates: Maneater
6-Bob Seger: Turn the Page
7-Phil Collins: Feel it in the Air (not sure if that's the title or just the lyrics)

SunovaHutt!

My progesterone level was low in yesterday's test, even with taking 3 of these little gelcaps a day. SO.....it's back to the progesterone injections. My butt cheeks are crying just at the thought and memory of the 3 months of injections they endured for Stefanie's sake. Well, butt cheeks, suck it up. Stefanie was SO worth it, and her sibling will be too!

No pharmacies in the area had the stuff though, so the cheeks got a 24 hour reprieve until CVS gets the drug today.

This HAS to be IT

This month HAS to be our month to get pregnant!! I felt very bloated and weird crampy Monday. I asked the CNP on Tuesday and she says it was ovulation pain. I did NOT feel anything like that last month, so this month just HAS to work!!! I'm so excited and feeling very very positive.

Plus, we discussed the possibility of a 3rd cycle if need be (which it won't!) and Steve is okay with it if I am. I feel like cartoon butterflies are flying all around me! I don't get giddy very often, but it's here for me today! Hahaha.

The end of an era?

I had my 2 inseminations Monday and today. I'm kind of sad about it. We've pretty much decided that this is our last try. The stress of the whole process has been a big weight on me. If this one doesn't stick, I'm really pretty sure we're finished trying for baby #2.

Sigh. Maybe not. Michelle (the CNP) said most people doing this procedure are pregnant within 2 to 3 cycles. If this one doesn't take, and we quit at that, I think I'd always wonder if that 3rd month would've been our month. Better talk this over some more.

Approved to trigger

Yippee!!! I can reduce my Follistim again to 175 for tonight and tomorrow morning. Then I will trigger with the Ovidrel tomorrow night!!!! My IUI's are scheduled for Monday and Tuesday mornings, which is perfect timing since our auditor is supposed to be here in the office Wednesday. I'm guessing my blood pregnancy test will be 2/21, but they should tell me for sure after the IUI Monday. WOOHOO!

Doing better

I don't know if a cycle of the injectible drugs has taught my body to start behaving or what, but my estadiol was at a very desirable level yesterday. That means I could reduce my Lupron to 5 units and my Follistim to 225 units. I stayed at 300 units of Follistim the whole time last cycle, but don't need as much this time around.

On the down side, just when the bruises on my legs and stomach cleared, here I go again, bruising myself. It looks like I've been in a fight or an accident. That's okay though; it's a mnor price to pay for the possibility of another miracle in our lives.

Dodged a bullet

Whew!!! The doc's office just called. I can go straight into the next cycle, starting with Lupron tonight. I can start the Follistim Monday morning and night, then go for bloodwork Wednesday morning. That is SUCH good news because I really really really didn't want to go on birth control again.

Grateful

Even though I'm still completely bummed about my test results yesterday, I am also extremely grateful for all the support and friendship that comforted me. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

and the fat phlebotomist sings

The blood test was negative. The CNP says most people are pregnant within 2 or 3 cycles using this method and there's no reason not to try again. I can see one more cycle, but not so sure about 2 more.

Tagged

I've been tagged by Linda

Four jobs that I have had:
Service Support Controller
Aerospace Ground Equipment Technician
Grocery store checkout
Corporate Services Clerk

Four movies that I can watch over and over again:
Any of the Star Wars series
Princess Bride
Armageddon
Excalibur

Four places I have lived:
Columbia, PA
Panama City, Panama
Godmanchester, England
Clovis, NM

Four TV shows I love to watch:
Days of our Lives
Friends
Seinfeld
Clean Sweep

Four Websites I read daily:
A Blog about my day to day life (Susan)
Fairy Flutters
Life in the Crazy House
The Pereira Pit

Four places I have been on vacation:
Isla Grande, Panama
Zwiebrucken, Germany
Disney, Florida
Atlantic City, NJ

Four favorite foods:
Linguine and white clam sauce
Chocolate covered pretzels
Lasagne
Chicken Pot Pie (PA Dutch style!!!)

Four places I’d rather be:
at home with Stefanie
shopping with Stefanie
on the playground with Stefanie
anyplace with Stefanie

Four people to tag:
I don't know any ppl who haven't been tagged already!

Sorry - just a quick update

I had a sick sitter last Friday and had to wake Stefanie's godmother to stay with her while I ran to get my ovaries fondled. They are slightly enlarged but smooth, in other words...OK. My progesterone level was also good. I'm just in that 2 wk wait mode. It is really hard to be patient but I don't want to start testing just for the sake of testing. I will test with an early HPT tomorrow morning around 6 or 6:30am. That might even be too early if I am pregnant, so if it's negative, I'm not gonna freak. I will keep testing over the weekend since I got a 3-for-the-price-of-2 pack of tests.

If I get a positive result tomorrow morning, I think the whole world is gonna know. Well at least my closest friends and my Babycenter community will know.

T minus 20 hours and counting.......

Trigger Happy

I was approved to trigger ovulation Friday night!!! One last shot (for now) sounds great to me! IUI was done Sunday and Monday mornings. Much to my surprise, IUI hurts less than a PAP smear and took less time. I had to lay there for 10 minutes after the package was delivered (reading my latest Star Wars book). Wow! Talk about 'wham bam thank you maam'!!!

Even better news....the doctor is a big Star Wars fan too!!! The Force was definately with us Sunday morning. I could feel it. And bonus brownie points....the doctor did not know about the Easter Eggs on the DVD's, so I told him how to find them.

So now, I start taking (EVIL) Progesterone pills tomorrow, go back Friday to check my blood Progesterone level and for an ovary check, then have a blood pregnancy test on the 23rd. I know I won't be able to stand it that long. I wanna see that BFP home test before the doc tells me! I'll probably take one of the early home tests late next week.

This is definately nearing the peak of the roller coaster ride this cycle!

Quick update...

I started taking the Lupron injections on 12/21 and finished taking the BCP (thank GOD!!! because it was seriously giving me some hormone induced meltdowns) on 12/25. My bloodwork on 12/30 was all good so I started the Follistim injections on 12/30, twice daily, 300 units each, and reduced the Lupron to 5 units instead of 10. I had my first ultrasound 1/4 and I have 5 (yes, count them, 5!!) follicles developing. What a nice birthday present for me! Apparently 5 follicles is pretty darn good. My next ultrasound is 1/6 to monitor the number and growth of follicles. I'm hoping for the go ahead to trigger ovulation very soon!

Yet another obstacle

Not only did my estrogen not go down , it went WAY up - to 106. The infertility doctor doesn't know what's wrong with me that I'm so estrogen-challenged. I had 2 options: go on birth control for 3 weeks to lower my level (and lose this cycle) or take injections of Antigon to hopefully lower it. I took 4 injections then got re-tested. It didn't work. Just as well, since I broke out in hives after the 4th injection. So, back to the bcp choice and I lost this cycle. Sigh. Giving myself the injections turns out to be no big deal. I hate needles, but have baby fever worse than the needle phobia.

I will start the Luprolide injections on Dec 21, take the last BCP on the 25th, should finish this cycle around the 28th, then go for the usual ultrasound/bloodwork on the 30th.

Ya know, originally, this blog was supposed to be the place for me to write "my story" mostly about my time with my ex, but it's turned into a "what's happening now in my life". Hmmm.

Estrogen Estrogen Estrogen!

I was so excited yesterday because I thought I'd be starting my injectible infertility drugs today. But, no. My estrogen level is too HIGH! They couldn't do the IUI's because the level was too low and now I'm too high? It's all relative. When I was too low, I was at 70-something and then 96, but they wanted to see it over 200. Now it's at 52 and they want to see it below 50 before I can start the injections.

Now I'm just frustrated and feeling like an imcompetent woman again. Tomorrow morning I will get more blood work and hopefully it'll be a go to start injections tomorrow night.

Oh no! Not again!

Yes, again! My estrogen level is still WAY too low to do IUI this month. The 150mg Clomid only brought it up to 96 (from 70-something last month). They want it to be over 200 but would give IUI a shot if it were at least 150. There is only 3% of the population that responds to 200mg Clomid when they didn't respong to 150mg. It's rather pointless to hope that I'm in that 3%, so we are moving on to the injectible fertility drugs. I have to go for an injectibles instruction/education appointment next Tuesday. The only issue I have with the injectibles at this point is that they increase the chance of multiples. I really don't want to be having a litter of babies.

I feel so inadequate and incompetant, so incomplete, so let down and wiped out every month that I'm not pregnant. Thus is the cost of having waited so long......

Here we go again

So, today is day 10 of this cycle. I finished the 150 mg of Clomid on Sunday and start taking the ovulation predictor kits tomorrow. Here comes the emotional roller coaster again!

Trick or Treat!

We had the BEST time with trick or treat last night! Stefanie, dressed as Yoda, enjoyed running up the sidewalk to the few houses we visited. Better than anything, she loved handing out the candy. One of her new 'words' is h'go - her word for here ya go. Some of the kids got 2 treats as Stefanie was feeling generous to certain characters. There was only one incidence of her trying to take candy out of somebody's goody bag. Even if there were no trick-or-treaters at the moment, she was handing candy out to the sidewalk, and the marigolds, and the porch step. What a blessing this little girl is to our family!