Baby girl was so happy and pleasant this morning...until I tried to put her shoes and jacket on. Then she knew we were about to pack up in the car and go to her Grandma's house. She started fussing and whining and complained about a non-existent booboo the whole way in the car. She's usually quite happy to stay with Gra-Ma and Daiseeey. But today, she didn't want to get out of the car seat and kept reaching for me to hold her and didn't want to take off her coat. I know she was okay as soon as I left but it just breaks my heart into little bitty pieces when she acts like that at drop off time.
Now I'm feeling so utterly sad that I can hardly concentrate here at work.
Thursday, April 27, 2006
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
What a dumb ass
Would you believe....
I bought a new HP printer last night on sale at Staples. The dude even asked me if I need a printer cable. I said "No, I have one. I'm replacing a dead printer" Well, apparently printer cables have changed from the big fat P&J type to the nice little USB type since I bought my last printer. So, the new printer is set up, but I still couldn't make Stef's invitations because I don't have a USB cable. I have some USB lines with some other connection of the other side, but not one with USB on both ends. There is NO way I'm going to buy the USB at Staples now. I'll be going to Office Max where the sales people have no idea how dumb I am. Gee, if all else fails, read the directions on the box.
I bought a new HP printer last night on sale at Staples. The dude even asked me if I need a printer cable. I said "No, I have one. I'm replacing a dead printer" Well, apparently printer cables have changed from the big fat P&J type to the nice little USB type since I bought my last printer. So, the new printer is set up, but I still couldn't make Stef's invitations because I don't have a USB cable. I have some USB lines with some other connection of the other side, but not one with USB on both ends. There is NO way I'm going to buy the USB at Staples now. I'll be going to Office Max where the sales people have no idea how dumb I am. Gee, if all else fails, read the directions on the box.
Monday, April 24, 2006
Depressed again?
I don't know. I was very emotional all day yesterday for no good reason. Both down and angry intermittently.
Stress? Probably.
Hormones? Maybe.
Do my meds need adjusted? I won't visit that with a doctor unless this lasts more than a week or so.
It might be that the planets were aligned in a bad way for capricorns because Steve was in a mood yesterday too. Thankfully, he understands when I say my nerves are on edge, he gets extra helpful. I was on the verge of a meltdown as we went to bed last night but he rescued me.
I have so many things to do right now and no time, it seems to do them. Stef's birthday is less than 2 weeks away now and I STILL haven't made the party invitations. My printer is dead. It has a carriage stall, which could be serviced at the Best Buy in Harrisburg (not conveniently located for me). Or I could trade it in on a refurbished HP printer (no thank you).
I should have had time to go buy a new one yesterday, but that didn't end up working out. We fixed my mom's electrical issues and finished his mom's phone line installation that he couldn't finish Saturday night (we needed more parts and it was late and we were all too tired by then). I got groceries while he finished the phone line thing. Laundry is still not finished. I usually get most of the laundry done on Sundays, but one or 2 loads have been spilling over into the week lately. I didn't vacuum at all or swiffer the kitchen. I didn't check with the grocery store on prices of the party platters for Stef's birthday.
It stresses me out that we only have the weekends to get all this crap done and then that's also when people want help from one or both of us. It doesn't help that Steve sleeps til 10-ish most weekends. I hate to say he can't do that. He works hard during the week and especially the weekend after he gives up the beeper, he needs to catch up on his rest. It just crams everything into the afternoons, and usually screws up Stef's nap time.
AND, I'm pretty sure she's ready to start potty training and have no real idea where to begin. I was thinking of taking a week off work to do the intensive every-30-minutes plan. The vacation schedule is looking pretty full at the time I wanted to take off. Sigh, at least my mother-in-law is offering to "work together" on the potty training now. When it was first mentioned, she said "I'll let you handle that" Whatever. I'd rather be the one to handle it and all aspects of raising my daughter, but that's not in my future any time soon.
Somebody please take this pity pot away from me!!!!!
Stress? Probably.
Hormones? Maybe.
Do my meds need adjusted? I won't visit that with a doctor unless this lasts more than a week or so.
It might be that the planets were aligned in a bad way for capricorns because Steve was in a mood yesterday too. Thankfully, he understands when I say my nerves are on edge, he gets extra helpful. I was on the verge of a meltdown as we went to bed last night but he rescued me.
I have so many things to do right now and no time, it seems to do them. Stef's birthday is less than 2 weeks away now and I STILL haven't made the party invitations. My printer is dead. It has a carriage stall, which could be serviced at the Best Buy in Harrisburg (not conveniently located for me). Or I could trade it in on a refurbished HP printer (no thank you).
I should have had time to go buy a new one yesterday, but that didn't end up working out. We fixed my mom's electrical issues and finished his mom's phone line installation that he couldn't finish Saturday night (we needed more parts and it was late and we were all too tired by then). I got groceries while he finished the phone line thing. Laundry is still not finished. I usually get most of the laundry done on Sundays, but one or 2 loads have been spilling over into the week lately. I didn't vacuum at all or swiffer the kitchen. I didn't check with the grocery store on prices of the party platters for Stef's birthday.
It stresses me out that we only have the weekends to get all this crap done and then that's also when people want help from one or both of us. It doesn't help that Steve sleeps til 10-ish most weekends. I hate to say he can't do that. He works hard during the week and especially the weekend after he gives up the beeper, he needs to catch up on his rest. It just crams everything into the afternoons, and usually screws up Stef's nap time.
AND, I'm pretty sure she's ready to start potty training and have no real idea where to begin. I was thinking of taking a week off work to do the intensive every-30-minutes plan. The vacation schedule is looking pretty full at the time I wanted to take off. Sigh, at least my mother-in-law is offering to "work together" on the potty training now. When it was first mentioned, she said "I'll let you handle that" Whatever. I'd rather be the one to handle it and all aspects of raising my daughter, but that's not in my future any time soon.
Somebody please take this pity pot away from me!!!!!
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
Take responsiblity PLEASE!
Why are some people such prima donas that they can't take responsibility for their own actions??? Why do they feel the need to blame me for something that is NOT MY FAULT or MY RESPONSIBILITY???
One of my co-workers is trying to blame me for his personal tax return being late now. His accountant called yesterday and told him they'd be dropping off his tax return here at the office. His assistant gave him this message and he freely admits to remembering having gotten said message. The accountant dropped off the taxes with me yesterday, sometime in the midst of the craziness of the last day of tax season. I put the envelope in his mail box, per procedure, just like I always put all their stuff in all their mail boxes, regardless of delivery method.
He didn't check his mail box AT ALL yesterday. Or the day before for that matter. Yet now it's my fault that his taxes are going to filed late, since he just found them in his mailbox today. He tried to say I should have called him since they hand delivered them. I'm sorry, but, not my job! I was SO pissed that it made me cry. But all is well. My office manager has my back. He told me that he'll tell this co-worker in a few days what his decision on the matter is. There is no way the office (aka me) will be paying the late filing penalty for his mistake. His taxes are HIS responsibility to make sure they are filed on time, regardless of what anybody else does with them. The accountant isn't responsible, this office sure isn't responsible, and it sure as HELL isn't my responsibility.
Okay, vent over.
One of my co-workers is trying to blame me for his personal tax return being late now. His accountant called yesterday and told him they'd be dropping off his tax return here at the office. His assistant gave him this message and he freely admits to remembering having gotten said message. The accountant dropped off the taxes with me yesterday, sometime in the midst of the craziness of the last day of tax season. I put the envelope in his mail box, per procedure, just like I always put all their stuff in all their mail boxes, regardless of delivery method.
He didn't check his mail box AT ALL yesterday. Or the day before for that matter. Yet now it's my fault that his taxes are going to filed late, since he just found them in his mailbox today. He tried to say I should have called him since they hand delivered them. I'm sorry, but, not my job! I was SO pissed that it made me cry. But all is well. My office manager has my back. He told me that he'll tell this co-worker in a few days what his decision on the matter is. There is no way the office (aka me) will be paying the late filing penalty for his mistake. His taxes are HIS responsibility to make sure they are filed on time, regardless of what anybody else does with them. The accountant isn't responsible, this office sure isn't responsible, and it sure as HELL isn't my responsibility.
Okay, vent over.
Thursday, April 13, 2006
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
Tax time is a bitch
I'm really really busy at work and haven't found time to blog lately. I'm doing reasonably ok, not crying every day anymore. We got a nice swingset for Stefanie on Sunday which she LOVES. She calls it her WEEEEEE since that what she says the whole time on the swing.
One of my co-workers said some things that had me bawling my eyes out yesterday. I'm still upset about it. Stupid inconsiderate jerk. I know he meant no harm. He's clueless. But it still stings. I should go buy him a little plastic shovel. He just kept digging himself in deeper and deeper. I wanted to yell at him "Shut up shuttin up rabbit!"
One of my co-workers said some things that had me bawling my eyes out yesterday. I'm still upset about it. Stupid inconsiderate jerk. I know he meant no harm. He's clueless. But it still stings. I should go buy him a little plastic shovel. He just kept digging himself in deeper and deeper. I wanted to yell at him "Shut up shuttin up rabbit!"
Thursday, March 30, 2006
Officially finished
Steve and I had our talk about continuing to try for baby #2 last night. I KNEW he didn't understand what all was involved in egg donation. He's definately not into that. I told him that's pretty much our only hope besides lots more prayers. He still thinks that if he does his homework more often, I'll get pregnant. I'm certainly not going to discourage his homework goals, but if there is no good egg to hook up with, he can do homework all day every day and it won't get me pregnant.
So, no more medical intervention, no more shots, no more pills. If it happens it will happen naturally due to even more prayers. I'm just glad to have actually come to a decision so I know where we stand. I'm okay with having our family complete as is (most of the time). It's really hard to see pregnant women and little babies right now. But that will get better in time too.
If it's God's will, I'll get pregnant unexpectedly, just like our miracle baby Stefanie.
So, no more medical intervention, no more shots, no more pills. If it happens it will happen naturally due to even more prayers. I'm just glad to have actually come to a decision so I know where we stand. I'm okay with having our family complete as is (most of the time). It's really hard to see pregnant women and little babies right now. But that will get better in time too.
If it's God's will, I'll get pregnant unexpectedly, just like our miracle baby Stefanie.
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
Aaaaaahhhhhh!
I just had Monday and Tuesday off to spread the mulch on the gardens. I ran out btw, could've used one more scoop. I SO needed those 2 days and all the physical work that filled them. It was a great stress buster. I feel SO much better now.
Plus Steve and I are still thinking about maybe doing egg donation. We just really need to sit down and have a good talk about it. I'm not sure that he fully understands what it involves and what it all means.
Stef and I had such a great time the past 2 days too. We played outside Monday. Yesterday, we made cupcakes. (white cake with white icing so we could color them) She had the best time mixing the food coloring into the cake mix and icing. Later, I was in the living room and I hear Stef in the kitchen saying "Mmmmm. Mmmmmm. Mmmm" She was dipping her finger in the icing of the cupcake nearest the edge of the counter. She is hilarious! Cracks me up everyday.
Monday, she made an artistic masterpiece that I hated to get rid of. She fingerpainted with yogurt on the living room window. Boy was she angry when I cut her off at the pass as she headed to the window with her yogurt cup on Tuesday.
Plus Steve and I are still thinking about maybe doing egg donation. We just really need to sit down and have a good talk about it. I'm not sure that he fully understands what it involves and what it all means.
Stef and I had such a great time the past 2 days too. We played outside Monday. Yesterday, we made cupcakes. (white cake with white icing so we could color them) She had the best time mixing the food coloring into the cake mix and icing. Later, I was in the living room and I hear Stef in the kitchen saying "Mmmmm. Mmmmmm. Mmmm" She was dipping her finger in the icing of the cupcake nearest the edge of the counter. She is hilarious! Cracks me up everyday.
Monday, she made an artistic masterpiece that I hated to get rid of. She fingerpainted with yogurt on the living room window. Boy was she angry when I cut her off at the pass as she headed to the window with her yogurt cup on Tuesday.
Friday, March 24, 2006
I just don't get it!
How can any parent just wipe their children from their mind?
I've seen evidence that my dad may be back in town again. Without telling me, AGAIN. When he and his woman were here last time, their car had a license plate frame that had Ken & Barb on the top, and his last name on the bottom (not typing so it's not Google-able by him). When they went back to California without telling me (but telling his cousin), I would assume they either took their car with them, or sold it and flew out. Either way, I've seen this same license plate frame in my home town again, twice, in the same area on a big black SUV.
If he sold the car, and then the buyer traded it in on this SUV, why would this new owner keep the frame with someone else's name on it??? I think he's back and living in an apartment on Locust Street (not the best neighborhood in town).
I am SO finished with him. But I need to get the cemetary plots straightened out, and his name is on the deed jointly with Mom's. Or I could just forget he exists too, and wait for him to die. Then the deed will convert to either Mom or my sister and I, depending on if Mom is still with us when he goes. AGH! What a jerk!
I've seen evidence that my dad may be back in town again. Without telling me, AGAIN. When he and his woman were here last time, their car had a license plate frame that had Ken & Barb on the top, and his last name on the bottom (not typing so it's not Google-able by him). When they went back to California without telling me (but telling his cousin), I would assume they either took their car with them, or sold it and flew out. Either way, I've seen this same license plate frame in my home town again, twice, in the same area on a big black SUV.
If he sold the car, and then the buyer traded it in on this SUV, why would this new owner keep the frame with someone else's name on it??? I think he's back and living in an apartment on Locust Street (not the best neighborhood in town).
I am SO finished with him. But I need to get the cemetary plots straightened out, and his name is on the deed jointly with Mom's. Or I could just forget he exists too, and wait for him to die. Then the deed will convert to either Mom or my sister and I, depending on if Mom is still with us when he goes. AGH! What a jerk!
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
We're finished.
Steve and I talked this morning. I needed time to pray about this and hear the answer in my heart. He's in agreement. We're finished trying for a second baby. No egg donor. No adoption. We're happy with our little family.
I still need time to get over these feelings. My feeling now is that the baby fever was not put in my heart by God and it's just not meant to be. I can't help but feel like I've let Steve and Stefanie down. Like a failure as a woman. Please don't tell me not to feel like this. I feel it and I need to finish feeling it.
We really wanted Stef to have a sibling. We each have one sibling and wanted her to have that close sharing bond growing up. We also wanted her to have someone after we're gone. She can never say we didn't try.
I still need time to get over these feelings. My feeling now is that the baby fever was not put in my heart by God and it's just not meant to be. I can't help but feel like I've let Steve and Stefanie down. Like a failure as a woman. Please don't tell me not to feel like this. I feel it and I need to finish feeling it.
We really wanted Stef to have a sibling. We each have one sibling and wanted her to have that close sharing bond growing up. We also wanted her to have someone after we're gone. She can never say we didn't try.
Monday, March 20, 2006
All FRED's say no
All the First Response Early Detection home pregnancy tests I took (Fri, Sat, and Sun) were negative...glaringly white negatives. I hold little hope that today's blood test will be otherwise. My gut feeling is that my ass is a pincushion all for naught. Now that the possibility is really looming, I'm not so sure how I feel about the egg donation idea. Steve and I need to really talk about it tonight if today's news is what I think it is.
Friday, March 17, 2006
Finally Friday
The home pregancy test was a big fat glaringly white negative today. But I have to remind myself that I'm only 11 days past ovulation, which is still way early. I will keep testing over the weekend, mostly so Steve will be there to share the positive if we get one. And if I keep getting negatives, it helps prepare me for a possible negative blood test Monday.
I actually dreamed last night that I got a positive home test. Wishful thinking or a good sign? We shall see.
I'm just about convinced that Stefanie was my last good egg and egg donation is the way God wants us to go. I keep hearing about it now lately, and never really heard about it before. Let's cross that bridge if need be.
I actually dreamed last night that I got a positive home test. Wishful thinking or a good sign? We shall see.
I'm just about convinced that Stefanie was my last good egg and egg donation is the way God wants us to go. I keep hearing about it now lately, and never really heard about it before. Let's cross that bridge if need be.
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
Tick tock tick tock
The 2 week wait is always hard, but this cycle's 2ww is killing me! I want to know if I'm pregnant, and I want to know NOW! Testing before Friday would just be pissing money away though. Is it Friday yet?
Poor Stefanie. She has a sinus infection. I feel so bad that she's taking after me in that department. She's on amoxycillan. Steve and I are both allergic to penicillin and he and his mom are both freaked about Stef taking a drug in the same family. I checked with the pediatrician's office and they said just to watch for a rash, especially since that's the reaction both of us have to pcn. A reaction will typically show within the first 2 or 3 doses.
Is it Friday yet?
Poor Stefanie. She has a sinus infection. I feel so bad that she's taking after me in that department. She's on amoxycillan. Steve and I are both allergic to penicillin and he and his mom are both freaked about Stef taking a drug in the same family. I checked with the pediatrician's office and they said just to watch for a rash, especially since that's the reaction both of us have to pcn. A reaction will typically show within the first 2 or 3 doses.
Is it Friday yet?
Monday, March 13, 2006
What a great weekend!
Except for Steve having to work a 12 hour shift Saturday, we had one of the best weekends in ages. The weather was SO nice Saturday. Stefanie and I played on the playground, then did some work in the back yard. She's such a little helper. She had a great nap, although it was interrupted by some kid ringing the doorbell (which drives the dogs into a barking frenzy) - something about collecting money for the Heart Association. I would normally have been happy to donate, but it pissed me off that they woke Stef too early from her nap. Sweet baby that she is, she was still pleasant the rest of the day anyway.
I took care of the grocery shopping, started the laundry, and vaccuumed upstairs and downstairs. It just felt great that I did most of the weekend crap on Saturday so we wouldn't have to deal with it Sunday PLUS had some great play time with Stef.
Sunday, we went to the record show. Stef was surprisingly tolerant of standing around looking at music for much longer than I expected. We took some comfort food to Steve's mom, as she's now got the chest flu that we all had. Also took her some medicine. She actually called off work all weekend and she's taking today as a sick day from watching Stef too. That's cool because my mom is actually feeling pretty well lately (I think it's because the weather is getting nice again and the sun's been shining a lot).
Only a week to go til the last blood test. I'll be taking a HPT Friday. Walmart was sold out of Equate brand, which I hear has the lowest sensitivity level, so I'm stuck with FRED again this month. I can't wait to see that 2nd pink line!!!
I took care of the grocery shopping, started the laundry, and vaccuumed upstairs and downstairs. It just felt great that I did most of the weekend crap on Saturday so we wouldn't have to deal with it Sunday PLUS had some great play time with Stef.
Sunday, we went to the record show. Stef was surprisingly tolerant of standing around looking at music for much longer than I expected. We took some comfort food to Steve's mom, as she's now got the chest flu that we all had. Also took her some medicine. She actually called off work all weekend and she's taking today as a sick day from watching Stef too. That's cool because my mom is actually feeling pretty well lately (I think it's because the weather is getting nice again and the sun's been shining a lot).
Only a week to go til the last blood test. I'll be taking a HPT Friday. Walmart was sold out of Equate brand, which I hear has the lowest sensitivity level, so I'm stuck with FRED again this month. I can't wait to see that 2nd pink line!!!
Friday, March 10, 2006
Sick of feeling sick (maybe TMI for some people)
After barely recovering from the stupid bronchitis, now my house has been battling the stomach flu. I started with it on Tuesday;just didn't feel quite right all day. Steve had been home sick with his bout of the chest cold so I made him a big batch of chicken pot pie. SO not fair! I couldn't even eat any of it!!! While I was rolling out the dough, I begged him to take over with the cooking because I was either going to puke or pass out. I felt better when I sat down and rested, but as soon as he brought me my plate of pot pie I ran for the bathroom.
Poor Stefanie. She cried because I left the room without. She could tell something was wrong. She talked daddy into letting her come out of the living room and promptly opened the bathroom door and started stroking my hair (and trying to look in the toilet to see what was so interesting in there that mommy was studying it so closely). I couldn't even put her to bed without running to the bathroom every 10-15 minutes. Poor baby. She finally was tired enough that 10 minutes did it for her. I spent the rest of the night (until 3am anyway) sitting on the toilet and hurling into the trash can. There was NOTHING left, yet I couldn't stop heaving. I spent Wednesday in bed. That's 3 sick incidents just this year! Totally not normal for me.
Stef only threw up once before I got her up Wednesday then seemed fine. We started her on the clear liquids diet and moved on up to light solids by the end of the day with no problems. So Thursday, my mother-in-law put her back on her regular menu. Eggs and toast for breakfast. But then she wouldn't eat anything the rest of the day. Apparently it was because her breakfast was still sitting in her tummy all day long. As I was putting her to bed, she burped a VERY wet burp. She let out 4 or 5 heaves and I was covered in eggs, toast, water, and juice. Lovely. I surprised myself at how calm I stayed for her sake. "Uh-oh. Let's clean this up"
She threw up again at 11pm and at 11:45pm. It was quiet the rest of the night, but she was NOT ready to get up this morning. Very clingy and whiney. My mom has her now and last I heard, she's feeling MUCH better. We'll see how tonight goes.
Poor Stefanie. She cried because I left the room without. She could tell something was wrong. She talked daddy into letting her come out of the living room and promptly opened the bathroom door and started stroking my hair (and trying to look in the toilet to see what was so interesting in there that mommy was studying it so closely). I couldn't even put her to bed without running to the bathroom every 10-15 minutes. Poor baby. She finally was tired enough that 10 minutes did it for her. I spent the rest of the night (until 3am anyway) sitting on the toilet and hurling into the trash can. There was NOTHING left, yet I couldn't stop heaving. I spent Wednesday in bed. That's 3 sick incidents just this year! Totally not normal for me.
Stef only threw up once before I got her up Wednesday then seemed fine. We started her on the clear liquids diet and moved on up to light solids by the end of the day with no problems. So Thursday, my mother-in-law put her back on her regular menu. Eggs and toast for breakfast. But then she wouldn't eat anything the rest of the day. Apparently it was because her breakfast was still sitting in her tummy all day long. As I was putting her to bed, she burped a VERY wet burp. She let out 4 or 5 heaves and I was covered in eggs, toast, water, and juice. Lovely. I surprised myself at how calm I stayed for her sake. "Uh-oh. Let's clean this up"
She threw up again at 11pm and at 11:45pm. It was quiet the rest of the night, but she was NOT ready to get up this morning. Very clingy and whiney. My mom has her now and last I heard, she's feeling MUCH better. We'll see how tonight goes.
Friday, March 03, 2006
Permission to ovulate, Sir?
I just got the ok to trigger ovulation Saturday night. My IUI's will be Monday and Tuesday morning. That means I will probably have a blood test scheduled for March 20. I'm sort of nervous, but also have pretty low expectations at this point. Trying to stay positive!!!
Thursday, March 02, 2006
Scary scary moment
Sometimes I swear I have more work ethic than brains. With all my lung issues, I still insisted on walking the deposit to the bank yesterday. It was too much for me to handle yet. I coughed the whole way to the bank and the whole back. It's only ONE block away! I seriously thought I was going to pass out on the street, but somehow made it back into the lobby. One co-worker fetched my rescue inhaler for me while I rested on the couch. I was still coughing so much that I couldn't get a good hit on from the inhaler. The office manager walked by on his way out to a meeting (that he was already late for) and he wouldn't leave til I felt better (what a good dude). He just didn't know what to do for me. Sometimes blowing my nose helps, so he got me a tissue. No good. Another co-worker and long-time asthma sufferer came by and asked what she could do, so I had her pound on my back with cupped hands. That calmed me down enough that I could at least hit the inhaler. Boss said today that he was about ready to call 911. Honestly, I was about ready to ask him to make that call. That was the worst asthma attack I've EVER had. I really don't feel any better today either, but was sick of laying around the house at home, and didn't feel like fooling with getting a doctor's note for being out 3 days in a row. It must be my military training. You just plain DO NOT call in sick in the Air Force.
I met my new supervisor today. Seems like a very nice man. He wants to come back next week to talk to me some more. I know the new complex-manager loves me already. (impressed by my organizational skills - which are really just survival skills so I'm not completely lost - easier to organize it now than to try and find it later). I hope the new supervisor likes me too.
I met my new supervisor today. Seems like a very nice man. He wants to come back next week to talk to me some more. I know the new complex-manager loves me already. (impressed by my organizational skills - which are really just survival skills so I'm not completely lost - easier to organize it now than to try and find it later). I hope the new supervisor likes me too.
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
Coughing up a lung
I have bronchitis on top of a sinus infection on top of a severe asthma attack. Also running a fever over 100 since Saturday. Doc gave me an antibiotic, prednisone, and instructions to hit my asthma inhaler 4 times a day. I stayed home from work Monday and Tuesday, but am braving work today. I had to go for ultrasound and bloodwork this morning anyway. Plus my Follistim refill was being delivered to the office and I need it for tonight's injection. Maybe I'll just go home now that it's been delivered. I feel completely like crap.
Thursday, February 23, 2006
SO deflated
The blood test Monday was negative. Michelle said I can go straight to IVF due to my age if I so choose. The statistical success rates are the same for IUI and IVF at my age, and Dr F's office has had no successful IVF pregnancies for 40 or 41 yr old patients, so I'll be sticking the IUI.
It's SO hard to stay positive this time. I'm sure they quoted the statistics to me at the initial consultation, but I obviously tuned it out. Like Han Solo said, "Never tell me the odds!" So, now that 10% success rate in the general population for 40-41 yr olds via IVF or IUI is sinking in and it's hard to accept.
If this never happens for us, I'll be okay with that (most days) but it's the not knowing that bugs me so much. It's hard to know if this is a sign to stop or a test of my faith and perserverance. I've prayed for God to show me his will. I hesitate to ask Him to make it obvious since the incident with my sister asking the same thing*. One more cycle won't hurt anything, so I'm going for it.
Hmmm - Dr Dodson's office just called back from yesterday. I wanted to know if they had any better success rates than Dr Filer. In short, no, they haven't. They've only done 6 or 7 IVF's for >40's in the past 9 yrs and none resulted in a pregnancy. Wow. That's really hard to hear. Even harder to hear (which I was aware of but again chose to ignore) is that the chances for chromosonal abnormalities is now at 50% for me. Over age 42 it just keeps going up and up. I would never terminate due to Downs' Syndrome or something, but how hard would that be to deal with in reality?? Side thought....I suppose that's God's way of matching up longevities...older mothers giving birth to short lived babies.
All this on top of that 62 or 63 yr old mother of 10 who just delivered a healthy baby. It all makes me just want to cry WHY WHY WHY? I know better than that though.
*prayer story from my sister.... She had been working at a nursing home under a contract company. Things were getting bad there. I think the company changed hands and there was a lot of shuffling going on. She prayed for God to let her know when it was time for her leave this facility and to please make it obvious. The contract company lost the contract and the facility chose not to offer the position to my sister. So, GET OUT! was a pretty obvious sign. God does have a sense of humor. :)
It's SO hard to stay positive this time. I'm sure they quoted the statistics to me at the initial consultation, but I obviously tuned it out. Like Han Solo said, "Never tell me the odds!" So, now that 10% success rate in the general population for 40-41 yr olds via IVF or IUI is sinking in and it's hard to accept.
If this never happens for us, I'll be okay with that (most days) but it's the not knowing that bugs me so much. It's hard to know if this is a sign to stop or a test of my faith and perserverance. I've prayed for God to show me his will. I hesitate to ask Him to make it obvious since the incident with my sister asking the same thing*. One more cycle won't hurt anything, so I'm going for it.
Hmmm - Dr Dodson's office just called back from yesterday. I wanted to know if they had any better success rates than Dr Filer. In short, no, they haven't. They've only done 6 or 7 IVF's for >40's in the past 9 yrs and none resulted in a pregnancy. Wow. That's really hard to hear. Even harder to hear (which I was aware of but again chose to ignore) is that the chances for chromosonal abnormalities is now at 50% for me. Over age 42 it just keeps going up and up. I would never terminate due to Downs' Syndrome or something, but how hard would that be to deal with in reality?? Side thought....I suppose that's God's way of matching up longevities...older mothers giving birth to short lived babies.
All this on top of that 62 or 63 yr old mother of 10 who just delivered a healthy baby. It all makes me just want to cry WHY WHY WHY? I know better than that though.
*prayer story from my sister.... She had been working at a nursing home under a contract company. Things were getting bad there. I think the company changed hands and there was a lot of shuffling going on. She prayed for God to let her know when it was time for her leave this facility and to please make it obvious. The contract company lost the contract and the facility chose not to offer the position to my sister. So, GET OUT! was a pretty obvious sign. God does have a sense of humor. :)
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