Even more heartbroken

I read a spoiler for one of the SW books coming out this summer. It had spoilers for the next book, which I haven't cracked open yet. I'm SO sad. They're killing off Luke's wife!!! I just know I'm gonna cry like I did when they killed off Chewie. Dammit! I just love Mrs Skywalker!! Next thing that would break my heart would be killing off the last 2 surviving Barabel Jedi - Saba and Tesar. I can see why they're killing Mara, but it still SUCKS big hairy Wookiee balls.

Well, Stef made it til 11:00. Daycare called and said her fever was coming back (only 100 at the time) and she was just crying. She was fine all morning, including when they whacked a pinata, but all the sudden, she burst into tears. So I called MIL to go get her, as was the plan. No answer. No answer at home. No answer on the cell. No answer, no answer, no answer. For 20 minutes I tried, but then gave up and decided to go get her myself. I checked with my mom to make sure she felt up to watching Stef for the afternoon. She has the cold too, but said okay.

Well, 3/4 of the way to daycare, MIL calls - she was out cutting the grass. Murphy's Law strikes again.

I told my mom to rest up today because she has Stef all day tomorrow and took Stef to MIL's. Poor baby actually asked to go take a nap.

Definately a cold

Blah! All 3 of us have a cold now. Steve isn't being too big of a baby about it. Stef came home from MIL's with 102 temp and went to bed early with no fuss. That allowed Steve and I to go to bed early too. She didn't wake once, but neither of us got good sleep - kept waking up every hour or so. Stef's temp was only 99 today and she was happy enough, so I sent her to daycare. She had a small meltdown once we got there - something about wanting to use the big potty at school. Neither I or Miss Beth knew what in the world she was talking about. I asked her to take me to this big potty so we wandered the hallway for a minute, then I convinced her to use the regular 3-yr-old's potty. Whatever. I told them that if she gets too whiney or gets a high fever again, to call me and I'll have Grammie go pick her up. I think MIL was a bit disappointed that I left it that way instead of just sending her straight to her house, but oh well.

Preshy is still seeming a bit depressed. We expected as much. It cheers her up that we can go for walks again, although nobody felt up to taking her for one last night. She's a reasonably good girl...if you can ignore that slow leak that seems to whine out of her almost all the time. She's funny; very vocal. I thought I'd gotten a little video of her "talking" to me, but I must not have pressed the button on the camera. Duh. I'll try again soon.

Cold or Allergies?

Steve and I have both been sneezing like crazy and have really sore throats. Von said she was sneezing all day yesterday too. I'm hoping it's just allergies. I don't feel like being sick on top of everything else.

Stef keeps asking to go to Logan's house. Then she'll point out some random house along the road and say "There's Logan's house" or "There's Mary's house". There is another name she comes up with every once in awhile too, but I can't think of it right now. She had a bit of a rough night last night. She was up twice to get me to just go lay down with her, then at 3am-ish, she got me up so she could go potty. She peepee'd, then left a great big stinker. Now she was complaining about her belly hurting. I told her to try to go poopy and it would feel better, but she just couldn't. I laid in her bed the rest of the morning. When I got her up, she said again about her belly hurting, and this time she was able to go....alot! I don't know if she ate something yesterday that disagreed with her. At home, she only had 2 strawberries, a pretzel, mac & cheese, and a little keilbasa. I'll have to check with the daycare.

MIL left a message on our machine yesterday saying that Steve's cousin, who just gave birth about 2 months ago, will be in town this weekend, and it would be really nice if we could make the time to go visit her and the baby. Once again, she speaks without thinking. Ummm, a newborn is one of the last things I want to see right now. Steve explained it to her, but I don't know what her reaction was. Don't really care either.

One of Stef's favorite movies right now is Dumbo. The one line keeps playing in my head over and over. Timothy Mouse was talking to Dumbo. "Your ma's not crazy. She's just broken-hearted" I feel a little of both this week.

An ok weekend

Stef's swim school started up again Saturday. MIL sounded hurt that I would schedule the class for a Saturday (so I could participate and Steve could watch and maybe participate sometime) rather than on a Wednesday. How dare I plan that with the YWCA! Anyway, she was a little afraid at first, but then really got into it. Miss Anna is really nice, but honestly, she's just not as charismatic or interactive as Miss Chris was.

There was another kid in class that screamed and cried almost the whole time "I want out! I don't like the water" As soon as class was over, Stef started screaming and crying "I want back in!! I want in the water!" Funny kids!

After swim school, we stopped at Home Depot and then went home. Grabbed lunch (Steve suggested Taco Bell - I think because he knows how much I love it and how low I'm feeling), took Presh and Stef for a walk, and headed to FIL's for the Apple Dumpling Festival. He bought Stef an all-you-can-ride wristband. Little did we know that those expired at 5pm, but Stef definately got her worth out of it. She rode an airplane ride and then the little choochoo train ride. As we stood there watching her on the train, I looked around and found myself surrounded by preggo's. Steve saw it too and held me close. God bless his heart. He's trying so hard for me.

Next ride was the Dumbo type ride. Well, that scared the crap out of her. She didn't want any more rides after that...until I showed her the big sliding board. I went with her on that one and she kept asking to go again. When I'd had enough, Steve went down with her. FIL would have liked to, but can't with his vertigo. I talked her into riding the merry go round once, as long as I was standing next to her. We walked around and played a couple of games. Stef even won a prize (mardi gras beads) for throwing softballs semi-near a pile of blocks. We didn't even pay for that game. I just asked if she could throw for no prize. The dude let her have the beads anyway (it was the last day of the festival). I had to have an apple dumpling with ice cream. It was delish.

Sunday morning I got to sit and read the newspaper in relative quiet. Then MIL called and wanted us to come see her new house. It was open until 4 for open house. Steve measured for miniblinds and curtains and some spaces to see if certain furniture items would fit. I really like it. It's cute, has a nice layout, and is new construction. She even has a 2 car garage, not attached to the house, but about 5 steps from the back door. And LHOP is helping with the closing costs and a downpayment! Then she informs us, that even with the LHOP help, her monthly expenses will be about $100-$150 higher than at the trailer, but "at least I'll be building equity" AGH! I don't think I even want to go there.

MIL took us out for lunch as a thank you for Steve's work-yet-to-be-done - hanging the blinds, etc. It was delish but I ate way too much. That tends to happen to me whenever I eat out Italian. Then we went for groceries and I was freaking surrounded again. I just hurried to finish and went home to hide on the couch for awhile. I even took a nap while Steve and Stef watched Bandi II (Bambi). I went out back so Stef could play on the playground for awhile. I got a little (VERY little) gardening done. If we all get home at a decent hour tonight, I should be able to go out and do a bit more. The vegetable garden in full of weeds again. And I'm still working on spring cleanup stuff.

Well that blows all my theories right out of the water.

The test is negative. I don't feel like talking about it yet. Thanks f0r all the prayers and support.

Noon

That's what they told me. I should hear from them by noon with my results. Tick tock tick tock

It's been an honor

It has truly been an honor to be Ellie's mommy for 4-1/2 yrs. She was a phenomenally good dog. We will miss her quirky way of HAVING to have something (a shoe, a toy, a piece of paper, a TV remote, whatever she could quickly find) in her mouth when she got excited. Also, we'll miss how she always sucked on her blanket, sort of like she was nursing. Her bark was distinctively different than Preshy's. It felt very weird to be in the house without her last night.

Steve was already crying at home when we were getting her ready to go. I'd cried pretty much all day and was cried out just then. Presh was a bit freaked out that we put her back in the crate but took Ellie out to the Vue. I rode in the very back cargo section with Ellie, partly to keep her stable and safe, partly because I wanted to be very close to her for the ride. Margot had a blanket already set up in the grass waiting for us. Steve picked Ellie up to get her out of the Vue. Margot explained exactly what was going to happen, what might happen and why. We got Ellie on the blanket and put her own holey blanket with her too, along with one of her favorite squeak toys. Margot drew some blood, then we layed Ellie down. In a few minutes, she gave her the injection. Ellie was still, but kept looking around for a few seconds. I was holding her head and talking to her. Steve was petting her neck and ears. She actually closed her eyes, which is apparently not the norm. I told her to be sure and send me a sign that she's okay once she gets there. And that my friend Jill was sending her dog Max (who passed last year) to meet her and show her the ropes. I know my mom's dogs Gretchen and Charlotte would meet her there too.

It didn't take long. She stopped breathing, then her heart stopped beating. Margot stayed with us for awhile, then let us have our privacy to say our goodbyes. Poor Margot had a doctor appt that we made her late for. She said she didn't mind, she had her priorities straight. (God bless that woman!!) We stayed with Ellie alot longer than she actually stayed with us. Neither of us wanted to leave her, but the storm clouds were building. We told the vet tech that we were finished, so she could take care of her body.

I had to drive because Steve was too much a mess to even see straight. We talked and cried all the way to his mom's to pick up Stef. Amazingly, we both pulled ourselves together just in time to be strong for Stef. We went home and ate a pizza. Stef never even asked where was Ellie. I guess she'd gotten used to Ellie laying quietly upstairs in our bedroom most of the time. At bedtime, Steve sat with us as I read the Rainbow Bridge to Stef. At first, she didn't understand, but then accepted it. This morning, when we were giving Presh her goodbye treat, was the next time she asked about Ellie. I asked if she remembered what we'd talked about. She said, in all her 3 yr old innocence, "Oh, that's right. She go to Jesus. And go play on the rainbow bridge!!" I think it helped her (and me) to know that we'll see sweet Ellie again one day, but that she'll play and run and be happy until that day.

Until then, we'll miss her terribly and do our best to honor her memory.

It's time

Ellie's appointment is tonight at 6:oo. Margot refuses to go to homes to do this kind of thing. She hasn't for 15 years because they've all been disasters. She won't even do it for her own mother or sister. She needs a vet tech or 2 to help get the IV catheter in and older dogs tend to have hard-to-hit blood vessels. The few times she did it turned into very traumatic events with 10-20 attempts to stick the vein. It should be a peaceful time for all involved.

So it was a choice between calling a vet van and having a stranger do it at home or having someone who loves Ellie do it away from home. Margot said we can do it in their pretty little garden or down by the stream outside the vet office, so Ellie doesn't get all freaked out going in the office.

Stef will go back to MIL's right after her dentist appointment. Steve and I will go home and get Ellie. I will sit in the back of the Vue and hold her so she doesn't hurt herself. Then we'll pick Stef up after it's done. I'll read this to her tonight:

Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.

When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge. There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together. There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by. The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent; His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together....

Author unknown...

It's probably crazy, I know, but the thought that stuck with me as I lay on the floor with her last night, was that I'm trading a life for a life. I always knew Ellie would gladly give her life for our family. I just never imagined it would be like this...her crossing the bridge so that a baby boy can come to us. What a good dog she is!

Totally weird Saturday

Saturday was just a weird stressful day. It started with Ellie having a really really rough night again. Then Stef woke up at 7:30am when I was hoping for at least 8 or 8:30. Well, as long as I'm up, we may as well go to the cool sounding yardsales Omi found in the paper.

When we picked her up, we went around the block like usual, to get back to the main road. Some crazy Mustang came screaming up the street, turned onto the street where I was waiting at the stop sign, and very nearly side swiped my car! My mom let loose with a few choice phrases, for which I scolded her and better NOT hear coming out of Stef's mouth.

Next, Stef decides to dart out of the driveway of the last sale we were at, right into the road. TG, no cars were coming, but we had the big "don't you EVER do that again" talk again.

After yardsaling was over, we went home and ate lunch (Stef was hungry and I was shaking). Now, all during this time, Steve had been at Kellogg's to get fitted for a new uniform company. What I didn't know is that he went to the mall after the fitting and hadn't eaten. He was just coming home when I was leaving to take Omi home. When I told him that we'd already eaten, he got sort of pissy with me. I said "I didn't know when you'd be home and I was shaking! Go make yourself something! There are leftovers in there." I know he got very little sleep too, but come on! I got up at LEAST an hour before he did. Grumpy grumpy grump. That's really pretty unusual for Steve.

I dropped Omi off with no further incident. We all piled on the couch for some quiet time and got a little rest. All the tension seemed to be gone now. So we decided it was time to go get the groceries. It was incident free until I got Stef out of the TreeHouse play area. Steve had gone to get the car and load the groceries up. Stef came out the treehouse door and promptly slipped away from me in a big crowd. I could still see her but couldn't get thru to grab her hand. Next thing I know, she's looking at me with that twinkle in her eye and that devilish grin on her face. I yelled "Don't you dare!" and then she darted...into the busy parking lot...the same freaking parking lot where she darted last time and I tore my calf muscle chasing her down. I didn't tear anything this time and caught her really quickly. I reached out and grabbed the top of her head, effectively tackling her. She skinned her leg and started bawling. So I scooped her up and had the talk again. OI! It's a good thing she's so cute!

Then twice, in quick succession, we were almost in 2 separate car accidents on the way home! I just wanted to crawl into bed and not leave the house again!

The other weird thing was that the little girl who was in TreeHouse with Stef asked if I was her mommy. I said yes and then she wanted to know where Stef's little brother was. **cue Twilight Zone music**

Sweet story

A fellow doberman owner/lover told me this story about her sweet Sierra who has already crossed over the rainbow bridge. Her 2 children are just a bit older than Stef. She said reading the Rainbow Bridge poem to them really helped them understand after Sierra passed away. Then one day, they were out in their yard. The sky was crystal clear blue, not a cloud to be seen. Her 5 yr old son came running "Look mom! Come look!" There was one puffy white cloud, shaped sort of like a dog bone in the sky. He said "Look mom! Sierra is waving to us!" Of course she was bawling her eyes out. The story made me cry too.

Stef stats

From Wednesday's pedi appt:

38" tall (75%)

35-3/4 lbs (75%)

I still dispute that weight. She feels MUCH heavier than that!

Baby Blob

One bad day does not a Rainbow Bridge make.

Ellie is eating happily and acting normally again. Margot said we can up her meds again. My good friend Teresa told me about a conversation she had with a human bone cancer patient. Apparently, just 15 minutes late on a dose will make for a very bad day, maybe even a very bad week. Bad days are allowed. Bad days in a row are not allowed.

Steve and I did have a bit of a talk about it last night, but he's preoccupied. His Air Conditioning Certification test is today and he feels very unprepared. The boss is going to go over the book with the guys this morning, then the test is this afternoon. If he doesn't pass, the test fee ($100) will come out of his paycheck. He knows what he's doing, he's just not a great test taker, so he's worried. It's not an easy test either. I almost had to take it in the Air Force, but was too close to getting out to have it be a requirement. Anyway, we shall talk more about Miss Ellie Bean tonight or tomorrow.

Stef starts "school" Monday. She's so excited! MIL is sad but I think relieved at the same time. It was just too much for her, never any down time.

Poor baby girl

I feel SO horrible. Neither of us got home until almost 7pm last night, so we missed giving Ellie her late afternoon meds. Poor girl. She must have been in too much pain to do anything. She wouldn't eat. She pee'd and poo'd on the floor upstairs. When I made her come downstairs to try eating, she wanted to go outside. So, there she lay in a corner of the yard and refused to budge, even when it started raining again. She had SUCH a rough night. I gave her an extra percoset around 2am, and it took her at least 20 minutes to get settled after that. Her back leg is looking very thin. She was breathing pretty hard last night too. So we think it's spreading up the leg and in her lungs.

I was convinced last night that she was telling us it was time. I cried the whole time I was laying with Stef for bedtime. I cried when I came back to our room and laid on the floor rubbing her velvety ears. I couldn't sleep worth a crap, even when she did settle down.

Then she surprised us both this morning by scarfing down her breakfast and looking more perky than usual lately. She's allowed to have a bad day here and there, but she really scared the crap out of us both. Doggone rollercoaster.

PGD Test Results

Just don't tell Steve, okay?

embryo # XY 13 15 16 17 18 21 22 Interpretation

1 XX 2 2 3 2 3 3 3 complex abnormal

3 XX 3 1 1 2 2 1 2 complex abnormal

4 XY 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 NORMAL

5 X0 2 1 2 1 2 2 3 compex abnormal


#1 was a girl with trisomy 16, 18, 21, and 22
#3 was a girl with trisomy 13 and monosomy 15,16, and 21
#4 is the one that got transferred to me
#5 was a nothing I guess or a girl with only one X and trisomy 22 and monosomy 15 and 17

Trisomy 13 would miscarry.

Trisomy 18 is Edwards Syndrome (like Linda's friend's baby) in which about half die in utero, half of live-borns only live til 2 months and only 5-10% survive their first year of life.

Trisomy 21 is Downs Syndrome.

I checked Wikepedia for the other chromosones and it was WAY over my head.

Recent pictures

Final count

There were 4 embryos and 1 was genetically sound for implantation. I've done my 24 hrs bedrest but am going to take it easy the rest of today. I won't lift ANYTHING heavier than my purse until June 21...the date of my pg test.

Ellie isn't looking so good lately, at least according to MIL and my good friend Von. I guess I don't see it since I see her every day. I know she's looking thin in the waist area and she's having a harder time getting comfortable. I don't think it'll be much longer for my sweet girl.

Embryo update

We ended up with 4 embryo's. The PGD is being done today and we'll know tomorrow morning whether we have any good ones. For comparison's sake, last time, we had 5 embryo's and only one genetically sound one for transfer.

Convo with the Ultrasound Tech

Ha! This morning during my u/s, I was discussing with the tech how can she tell the difference between the follicles. To me, it looked like she measured the same folly several times, but she assures me they were different. She said I was relatively easy to read, compared to someone with 25 follies on each side. HOLY SITH SPAWN!! 25?!?! I asked if that was a hyper-stimulation, she said "no, just someone younger". Sheesh! If I feel this full and bloated with 10-12 follicles, I'd hate to feel what that younger person feels like with 50 freaking follies!!

Anyway, my 10-12 are big enough that I'll be taking my HcG shot tonight. Steve will get lucky tonight too. :) wink wink nod nod saynomore saynomore But then he's cut off til his appointment with Penthouse/Playboy Wednesday morning. I'll have to take an HPT tomorrow morning and should get a BFP, but it's just caused by the shot. MEAN MEAN MEAN to make me do that! My egg retrieval will be Wednesday morning. I'll be on bedrest after that. The genetic test will be done over the weekend and the transfer will hopefully be next Monday, followed by another day of bedrest.

WooHoo! I'm pretty excited now that I have some firm dates!!!

Hallam (or is it Hellam?) Days

Hallam/Hellam is a little town on Koren's side of the SqwakyAnna that can't make up it's mind which way to spell itself. I've seen it spelled one way on certain signs and the other on other signs. Either way, Saturday was Hellam/Hallam Days - the whole town has a yardsale.

Omi went along and, of course, bought 2 baby dolls for Stef ($0.25 each). She's just thrilled beyond words to have a little one that loves playing dollies again. The names of the babies.....Luke and Leia! Wahoooooooooooo! And MIL hates it. Bwaahaaahaaaahaaa.

The calm after the storm

I feel much better today. I made sure I took a happy pill last night. I even had a civil conversation with the supervisor today. I told him that if I ever start another conversation with words like "hormonal" or "pissy" that he should just tell me I'm not rational today and we can continue the coversation another time.

Ellie had an okay night last night. No problems.

My estradiol level was 678 today and my 8 follicles were 13-14 in size (mm I guess). I have another bw/us appt Monday at 9. After that appt, I will know when retrieval is - either Wed 6th or Thurs 7th. Then the transfer will be either Mon 11th or Tues 12th. It depends on the follicle sizes Monday and whether they want to let them grow another day or not.