update

The only new news I have on Teresa is that she's still hanging in there. Her doctor said he's never had a patient survive this operation. They brought her out of the coma. Steven and his girlfriend Leslie were in visiting her, then left so Cindy could go in (only 2 at a time allowed). T told Cindy that there was a doctor and nurse in moments ago that looked just like Steven and Leslie. ROFLMTO! Classic Teresa. Oh, and Wendy said she has Beurgers Disease (or syndrome or whatever) and hadn't found out much online about it yet. I'll look for it tomorrow.

I'm still hacking up a lung. It's only getting worse. I had to promise my mom that I'd go to the doctor tomorrow if it's not better. I just started taking Robitussin dexamethoraphan pills tonight. I don't notice it giving my cough much supression yet. It's ironic. I returned an unopened bottle of those pills after Ellie passed. Those were for preventing the ramp up of her pain.

I have some video clips of Sarah (my neice) singing with Freznel Lenz last night. I will try to post them and a slideshow a bit later but it's thundering right now, so....toodles!

My friend Teresa Mae

I've been friends with Teresa since 1978. I started out being friends/penpals with her older sister Cindy, but got closer to Teresa. I'm still friends with Cindy and their brother Bubba (they're from Richmond), too. We all spent a lot of summers together since their dad was married to my friend Wendy. Even after they divorced, I went down to VA one summer and Teresa came up to PA for the whole summer in 1983.

She's so funny and such a cool chick. Even though she's 4 years younger than me, I wanted to be like her but protect her like a little sister at the same time. As the years after that summer of 83 passed, we fell out of contact, only touching base with each other once every few years, then not really at all when I was with my ex. (Isolation is the most important tool of an abuser). After I came home from the Air Force and made contact with Wendy again, she urged me to try and get in touch with my VA pals again, at least for the sake of her younger son, Steven, who is their half-brother. Amazingly, I can STILL remember their mom's phone number, although she's since moved and gotten a new number.

I called one day and Brenda answered! This was about 2 weeks before Teresa's wedding and they were SO glad I'd called. We were all invited to the wedding, for which we happily drove 3 hrs south. It still makes me cry to think that my memory of that phone number helped reunite a family. It was extremely emotional for me to watch Cindy and Steven dance at the reception, talking and crying. Steven had thought they'd all forgotten and abandoned him. Cindy had tried for years to find Steven, with no luck.

Anyway, contact was very sparse again with me. I invited them all to my wedding in 97 but none of them came. I sent Christmas cards and never got any back. So, I really stopped trying.

Earlier this spring, Wendy asked me to meet her, Steven and his 2 children, Cindy and her 2 daughters, and Cindy's grandson at the Arby's. It was really great seeing Cindy again. She brought me up to date on Teresa too. As a kid, they'd thought T might have had epilepsy. Turns out she has some strange clotting disorder and had probably actually had mini-strokes when they thought she was having a seizure. By this point in her life, she had a diagnosis of MS, 3 or 4 full blown strokes, a wonderful 7 yr old son (described by Cindy as a miracle baby because T should not have been able to conceive, let alone carry a baby), and a LOT of frustration in not being able to do what she wanted to do as fast as she thought she should be able to. "Everything takes too damn long" is her favorite saying lately.

Two days ago, Wendy called to let me know that Teresa is in the hospital. She had another stroke while on vacation at Nags Head, but refused to go to any of the local hospitals. So they brought her home and took her to the ER in Richmond. There was 100% blockage in her blood vessel (I assume in one going to her brain - Wendy isn't sure). The doctors told her husband that they had 2 choices. 1) Operate immediately and then have no guarantee of how long she'd live or 2) don't operate and she'd be dead within 30 minutes. So they took off about half of her skull to relieve pressure on her brain. Her skull is sewn into her abdomen, to keep the tissue and bone alive. She's in a drug induced coma. They brought her out of it long enough to ask if she could move her hands and feet and if she could hear them. All of those were a YES, so that's a good sign. They put her back in the coma, because it's apparently quite painful to have your skull stored in your belly. They're waiting for the brain swelling to go down before doing anything else. She currently has a 50/50 shot at surviving.

If you're the praying type, please pray for her and her family. Even though I'm not really close anymore, I still love her like a little sister. And her son deserves to have a mom longer than 7 years. I'll update as I get info from Wendy.

The threat now has a date

I may be MIA as of Thursday. Mother Merrill will be blocking internet access to sites with chat functionality, email, message boards and clubs, gaming, and objectionable content starting open-of-busines Thursday. I'll sure try, that's for sure!

I don't wanna go to school today!!

Okay, make that to work, but it's what I was whining this morning. Steve is staying home sick today. Stef was sneezing all day Thursday, then woke up with a snoot full of snot Friday (which cancelled the swimming, but we just went to Lori's house and hung out for a few hours, which was very nice and relaxing except that I hate her ;) ) Now it seems that Steve has whatever Stef has plus he has body aches and an upset stomach too. His boss has it too and so was very understanding about calling off.

Here is an update on the to-do list:

X yard cleanup
living room declutter
bedroom declutter
sewing
paint stairwell
/ paint powder room (almost finished - just need to do a little more sponging and then the trim)
X run the chipper for Omi
X defrost chest freezer
pantry cleanout/reorganize
X type up insurance list for Omi
X change light shade for Omi
X help MIL pack
X go swimming with ex-co-worker Fri pm

Not too shabby! I'll work on the rest as time allows (HA!!!)

Vacation to-do list

Day 1 - I slept in til 9am. Ahhhhhh. I crossed off Running the chipper for Omi - only because I couldn't get the damned thing started. Omi came up to my house and planted a few things she'd been saving for me but didn't trust to give me until she KNEW they'd get planted. I've killed several gift plants by taking the home and letting them sit on the patio til they were dead.

Day 2 - I got up by 8am. Still ahhhhhhh. I cleaned up the kitchen and worked on the laundry til Stef woke up. We ate breakfast and I took her to school. I got the rest of the yard cleanup finished, or at least as much as I can do this week since we're limited to 3 bags of trash/week. I did more laundry and started painting the powder room. I decided on 2 shades of peach. I asked Steve for his input and he could really care less what color is on the walls...so it's ALL MINE!!! I got the first coat on the medicine cabinet, then it was time to get Stef.

Day 3 - I vacuumed the downstairs, then Stef and I went to MIL's to help her pack (for the 7th house since I met her 10 yrs ago!!!). We packed for about 2 hrs then ate lunch and got ready to go to the pool in her trailer park. We spent about 2 hrs there. It was really fun, once I got Stef to go in the big pool with me, rather just splashing around in the baby pool. She did really well, even being a Klingon the whole time.

Day 4 - I slept in til 9:30!! And Stef didn't get up til 10:30! Holy crap! Swimming can really take it out of a person. Late breakfast and one load of laundry later, I took her to school. We got there just in time for nap time. Of course she started to pitch a fit when I tried to leave so I sat down next to her nap cot and rubbed her back but really doubted a nap would happen because of sleeping so late. When Miss Milly (the helper) came back in the room, we talked and she offered Stef to go play with the computer so I could leave. Worked like a charm! Now, here I sit, thinking about how many things are left on my list and knowing I have to pick up Stef around 3:30 or 4 so we can go take MIL out for her birthday dinner. I also have to call the pedi dentist to schedule her tooth-filling ordeal, now that I checked and found out that is a normal/standard way of doing it. I'll be heading down to do some more painting and hopefully will get to vac the upstairs and defrost the chest freezer in the next 2 hours. HA!

Here is the list:

X yard cleanup
living room declutter
bedroom declutter
sewing
paint stairwell
paint powder room
X run the chipper for Omi
defrost chest freezer
pantry cleanout/reorganize
type up insurance list for Omi
change light shade for Omi
X help MIL pack
go swimming with ex-co-worker Fri pm

Ambitious little vacationer, aint I?

Vacation

I'm on vacation all next week. Not going anywhere though. I have a to-do list that I'd like to make a dent in. We're supposed to go swimming with a former co-worker that Friday. That's the only day I have firm plans (unless Ang wants to do something Monday). Of course, Murphy's Law takes over and MIL asks if I can come let the movers in her house and point out which things they're supposed to take - Friday afternoon! She's trying to find someone else, but it made me feel like shit to say we had plans. She's helped us out with things like that many times and I hate letting anyone down, even her. Sigh...I might still do it and just go swimming a little later in the afternoon.

More threats...

Just in case I disappear, it's because they're talking about blocking all the fun websites again. The rollout is supposed to be finished by the end of August.

They say about having a legitimate business need for unblocking sites....is maintaining sanity a legit business need?

And on the infertility front....

This last cycle was positively devastating. I was SO sure it was going to work. I had myself believing that Ellie's death was wrapped up in a new baby's arrival.

I hope this doesn't offend any of you who've had a "real" miscarriage, but that's how I feel about the 2 failed IVF's. That they were really miscarriages. I knew they were both boys. I knew they were healthy growing embryos. And yet, I couldn't carry them. I'm starting to think I just can't carry boys - like Crystal feels she can't carry girls. Who knows.

I went thru an almost total shutdown this time. I couldn't talk to anybody about it, not even Steve or Angela, my mom or Von. I resent my body. I resent myself for waiting so long. I resent the people who tell me to just be happy with my one perfect little daughter. I resent my thoughtless MIL for practically insisting we go visit her sister's new grandson and then talking so much about him when she came over to our house.

I can't just turn off the baby fever or the feeling that my family is just not yet complete. I'm very tired of all the poking, prodding, ultrasounds, injections, running to the doctor's office. Well, I was anyway.

I talked to Von at length on Friday. Von is Stef's godmother, childless, older than me by 5 or 6 yrs, and just as desperate for children. She and Shawn are in the middle of the adoption process. I guess she helped put things in perspective for me. I do have one more chance. The insurance will pay for one more IVF. She and Steve both think we should use that one more chance or I'd forever wonder what if...

I had to decide, too, whether to use my own sad eggs, or accept the offer of egg donation from either 1 or 2 of my dear friends. The insurance treats an egg donation cycle the same as an IVF cycle with my own eggs. It would count as my 3rd of the 3 they'll pay for. I'm going for it, with my own eggs. It's what feels right. I will likely try for the next cycle at the RE in the week of Sept 10. I just have to take that next step of calling and talking to them.

Expired

I finally figured out yesterday that my rescue inhaler expired last fall. Hmmm. Suddenly when I switched to a newer one (that expires next month), my breathing is improving. If all else fails, read the instructions!

I'm pretty sure I have a sinus infection/bronchitis/asthma attack all going on here so I'll finally (sigh) call the doctor. I was trying to explain to Steve yesterday why I hate going to the doctor so much. My older brother Kenny, died of viral pneumonia when he was 5 weeks old. Out of a knee jerk panic reaction (not that I blame her), my mom rushed me to the doctor for every little sniffle my whole childhood. I just don't like going now. I won't even think about calling until I can't stand myself.

If they'd been open yesterday, I'd have been calling. I had a bad asthma coughing fit when I got up that lasted a good 15 minutes. Exhausting.


UPDATE: I just got back from the doctor's office. They don't see any signs of infection (inflamation, etc) so she's gonna call it a virus. It's like a cold but lasting longer. She gave me a Rx for Amoxicillan that she said she'd encourage me NOT to fill (which I don't think I can take anyway being allergic to Penicillan). And a big fat NO to taking Prednisone too, unless I get worse. So, it was basically a THANKS FOR THE TWENTY BUCKS appt. Bleh!

Oh, the drainage!

That was supposed to sound like Dr Smith on the old Lost in Space saying "Oh, the pain!" Oh well, it made me chuckle.

I've been awake since about 3am, choking on sinus drainage and coughing up a freaking lung. I should have just gone down to lay on the recliner part of the couch so I would be propped up. I guess I kept hoping it would magically stop so I wouldn't have to get out of my cozy bed. I suppose the lack of sleep was worth it in the long run. If I had gone to the couch, I wouldn't have gotten *wink-wink nudge-nudge say-no-more* this morning. LOL

Stef is simply not a morning person, but what do I expect with Steve and I as her parents. She is either a bear waking up and getting dressed or a bear to get in the car and to whatever sitter or daycare she's going to that day. Today, she was a bear to get up and get dressed. "I don't want to wear that shirt! I don't want panties! I don't want those shorts! I want to sleep!" As soon as I got her downstairs and told her to pick out which shoes she wanted to wear, she was happy as a clam. It was the complete opposite yesterday. It's so hard being 3.

Done deal

Ok Suzy Q. I deleted the link, but now I really can't remember the name of yours.

And the tears fall again

But these were grateful tears. To the sweet ladies who got together and sent me this wonderful gift

THANK YOU!!!!

I just can't express how it made me feel to open that box and see the angel and locket. Here are the pictures:

The inscriptions are as follows:
With the locket --> Since Heaven has become your home, I sometimes feel I'm so alone And though we now are far apart you hold a big piece of my heart. I never knew how much I'd grieve when it was time for you to leave, or just how much my heart would ache from that one frangment you would take. God lets this tender hole remain reminding me we'll meet again, and one day all the pain will cease when He restores this missing piece. He'll turn to joy my every tear, with thoughts of you I hold so dear, and they'll become my special way to treasure our Reunion Day.

On the angel's dress --> Every creature of God is good. I Timothy 4:4 Bless you my faithful friend, God's gift. Your beautiful trusting eyes can close knowing I love you and will see you soon.

When I unwrapped it, Stef was awestruck. She gasped and said "look mommy, an angel" I told her it was to help us remember Ellie.

Thank you all from the bottom of my heart. I just can't say enough about how much this means to me, Steve, and Stef.

So nice to share

It's so nice that Stef shared her cold with Steve and me. Really. It made for a very nice relaxing weekend with minimal errand running. I got laryngitis out of the deal too. I was trying to tell Stef that my voice was hurt and I couldn't talk very much. She thinks I was saying my BOYS are hurt. ROFLMTO!!!! I got it back a bit yesterday. Around 2pm, Stef finally noticed that I was talking above a whisper. She shouted "Mommy!! You got your boys back!!" Too funny.

I remembered her other imaginary friend.... Myrna. Not a common name. I can't figure out where she got it from. I had a friend named Myrna while I was in Panama, but haven't had contact with her for about 10 yrs now. Is there some kids' show character named Myrna that I'm unaware of??? Maybe on PBS? I don't watch those shows with her.

I also remembered her other 2 cutey things....We were driving past Schreiber Pediatrics and they had their HUGE rubber ducky out because their Rubber Ducky Race fund raiser is coming up soon. Stef saw it and started saying quack quack. I said "Well a duck that big wouldn't just say quack quack. He'd say QUACK QUACK!!" (using a loud deep monster-y voice) So now Stef keeps going around saying "QUACK QUACK" in that big voice. Funnier in person. Hmmm, and that fast, I've forgotten the 2nd cutey thing.

**whistle whistle** Here brain! Come back brain! Sometimes I scare myself.