This last cycle was positively devastating. I was SO sure it was going to work. I had myself believing that Ellie's death was wrapped up in a new baby's arrival.
I hope this doesn't offend any of you who've had a "real" miscarriage, but that's how I feel about the 2 failed IVF's. That they were really miscarriages. I knew they were both boys. I knew they were healthy growing embryos. And yet, I couldn't carry them. I'm starting to think I just can't carry boys - like Crystal feels she can't carry girls. Who knows.
I went thru an almost total shutdown this time. I couldn't talk to anybody about it, not even Steve or Angela, my mom or Von. I resent my body. I resent myself for waiting so long. I resent the people who tell me to just be happy with my one perfect little daughter. I resent my thoughtless MIL for practically insisting we go visit her sister's new grandson and then talking so much about him when she came over to our house.
I can't just turn off the baby fever or the feeling that my family is just not yet complete. I'm very tired of all the poking, prodding, ultrasounds, injections, running to the doctor's office. Well, I was anyway.
I talked to Von at length on Friday. Von is Stef's godmother, childless, older than me by 5 or 6 yrs, and just as desperate for children. She and Shawn are in the middle of the adoption process. I guess she helped put things in perspective for me. I do have one more chance. The insurance will pay for one more IVF. She and Steve both think we should use that one more chance or I'd forever wonder what if...
I had to decide, too, whether to use my own sad eggs, or accept the offer of egg donation from either 1 or 2 of my dear friends. The insurance treats an egg donation cycle the same as an IVF cycle with my own eggs. It would count as my 3rd of the 3 they'll pay for. I'm going for it, with my own eggs. It's what feels right. I will likely try for the next cycle at the RE in the week of Sept 10. I just have to take that next step of calling and talking to them.
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4 comments:
You know we're with you whatever decision you make and I don't blame you for resenting everyone and everything your only human right.
I'm here of you need me. I'm glad Von was there for you, prespecive can be a wonderful thing.
I wish you and Steve all the best in the world.
Good Luck with whatever you decide. My heart goes out to you. And if you ever decide on donor eggs, you know I'm always down here.
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