Mama Bear Claws

I am so mad at my sister-in-law that I don't think it would be wise for me to even attempt speaking to her for several months. I'm really pretty darned sure that she coached her two daughters (ages 7&9) to ignore Stefanie. The last time they were together was about a month ago at Grandpop's house. SIL wasn't along for that trip and the girls all played together very nicely. This past Sunday, we were all together before the circus that Grandpop was taking us to and not only did SIL completely ignore Stef, but the girls did too. They didn't even say Hi to her. At one point, the girls were playing the "hand sandwich" game and Stef very timidly tried to be included, putting her little hands at the edge of the table they were playing on. Instead of adding Stef's hands to the pile, they moved their game further away where Stef couldn't reach. The hurt look in Stef's eyes was too much for me. I know it's just the first of many hurts she will have but I really had hoped she wouldn't have to worry about being hurt like that by her own family. What a bitch! Steve told me that while I was in the bathroom with Stef, one of the girls asked "So, we're all Jones's here?" Her mother said "Yes. Daddy and Uncle Steve and Grandpop are all Jones's . You two are Jones's. I'm a Jones by marriage. And Aunt Terri and Stefanie are Jones's by marriage". WTF!?! Stef is only a Jones by marriage??? (last names changed to protect against google searches)

I've been stewing about this for 3 days now. My sister has helped me get over it with the following: Wow, what a bitch. It must suck to be that miserable all the time. It's GOT to suck to be her and she has to be with herself 24/7.

On to a more serious note: My FIL had a toumour in his bladder checked out yesterday. The doc is pretty sure it's malignent. He has to go back next month for more tests and another surgery. He's pretty upset (understandably) and could use all the extra prayers he can get. More on that as I know more.

zzzzzzzzzzzz

If I don't get to go to bed at a decent hour tonight (and by that I mean 9 or 9:30pm) I'm gonna turn into a permanent zombie. Steve's union at Kellogg's got some new free benefits and the dude came over last night to go over it all and get our signatures. The appt was for 8:30, but Steve didn't get there til 8:40 or 8:45. The appt was only supposed to last 20-25 minutes. It was almost 11 stinking oclock til dude left! Then we still had to get the trash together for trash night and clean up the supper dishes. This truly is a full moon week. I'll be under my desk napping in case anybody is looking for me this afternoon.

We interrupt this history lesson for the following current news

I don't have the energy right now to finish the BIL story but have things to share, so he'll just have to wait.

Steve was on call this weekend, which means he has to get up and go open the pool weekend mornings, then go close it again every night. While he was off doing that Saturday morning, I cleaned up the house. It's not clean by some people's standards, but I at least got all the floors vac'd & mopped, and the kitchen counters cleaned. The carpet dude came to fix the seam that was coming up. When Steve got home, we all ate lunch, then he had to run for an emergency call. So Stef & I went to the backyard and worked/played. She was in the baby pool and the sand table while I finished laying the pavers we bought LAST spring to extend our patio. No grass grows there anyway, so we may as well make it a usable space. It felt really really good to get that project as done as it can be until we buy more pavers. The patio looks better already.

We knew that my neice Sarah was singing with Shawn's band Freznel Lenz later that night so we hurried supper and got ready to go. Nobody seemed to know for sure if it started at 7 or 7:30, so we planned on 7. We had to go pick up my mom to bring her along. On the way, I called Von to confirm the start time (she was at the location by then) but it was 7:30! Crap! That meant we would have to go back and get the Vue and drive separately so Steve could leave to close the pool at 8. It all worked out well anyway. He didn't miss any of Sarah's performances. She only sings 3 songs with them for now.

Well Sarah was magnificent! What a voice! Even Steve commented about how well she'd done. We all really enjoyed the whole concert. Stef had refused her nap that day so I was worried how she'd behave, but she was totally into the music, dancing & running around. Couldn't have been better!

When Sarah went up for her 2nd & 3rd songs in the second set, Stef was calling for her like she didn't see her leave "Howsh? Howsh?" (we have no idea how Sarah became Howsh but that's what Stef calls her) I got Stef to follow my finger and she finally saw that Sarah was up on the stage. "Howsh!!! Howsh!!!" So I took her up closer to the stage. She just danced her little heart out thru both songs. Sarah even waved to her at one point but almost lost her place in the song, so didn't do that again. It was just SO darned cute! Sarah has her first groupie!!!

Shawn commented that Sarah performed better then than she had the previous 2 gigs. I know my grandfather is smiling down from Heaven seeing how Sarah's talent is developing, especially with this Christian rock band for now.

So it was great Saturday! Except.....Steve noticed water in the basement floor before we went to the concert. The less-than-6-yr-old water heater is rusted out and leaking slowly all over the basement! Sunovahutt!!! Sunday started out the same with him going to open the pool then going to buy a new water heater. I was lazy and just sat around with Stef and read the Sunday newspaper. I should have started the laundry but at least I got my shower before he came back and shut off the water. Steve has never worked with gas before but was assured that it was a pretty easy swap/install. In getting the old one out, he saw that the nipples were unable to be reused, so he had to run out and get new ones, along with some other pipes & stuff, most of which can now be returned. Meanwhile he had another emergency call. Stef was working on a 3-1/2 hr nap. I was doing some trimming in the yard. Finally at 6pm I woke Stef up so she'd go to sleep that night. I helped where I could in the basement, cleaned up water when I couldn't help, and chased Stef up and down the stairs too many times to count. I got her fed & to bed late (like 9:30pm) then came back down to see if we had hot water yet. No. But at least it's all hooked up so we have cold water again. Steve couldn't figure out why the burner wasn't coming on. He checked with a co-worker and apparently we need 3" exhause pipes instead of the 2" pipes from the old water heater. Okay, easy enough to do, but meanwhile I have a dishwasher full and 4 loads of laundry waiting, not to mention Stef's bath & Steve's shower.

We finally went to bed around 11:30pm but just then, a storm hit. Of course the thunder woke Stef and I had to go comfort her for about 45 minutes. At 12:15 I finally hit my own pillow but couldn't close my eyes! I know better than to drink coke with caffeine after lunch time but ignored that rule then paid for it for about another 2 hours of sleeplessness. So I'm really tired today, but still have to go for groceries & hopefully get some laundry & dishes done tonight. Ugh.

BIL continued...

Some things happened between Bill and MIL before I was involved with Steve - something about SIL's birthday party; MIL and George wanted to go down and take a cake and take them out to supper but SIL doesn't like to celebrate her birthday; I dunno, the story never made sense to me. Then when their first DD was born in Sept 97, MIL went to stay with them for a few days to help out. MIL insisted that the baby was cold, but SIL insisted that just a onesie was enough. The baby ended up coming down with pneumonia a few months later. Personally, I don't think it was related the amount of clothes the baby was wearing, but I also believe in swaddling. Whatever. There were more hard feelings about that and other similar small incidents.

Meanwhile MIL and her sister were not getting along. Her sister actually grabbed MIL's hand and bent her fingers back as far as she could. She also clawed MIL's thigh under the table. All this was in a restaurant while having lunch with their mother & aunt! Gee, how old is she?? Anyway, it turned ugly (they're still not on speaking terms today). Bill is partial to his aunt over his mother and MIL knows this. Since things were very ugly with them at the time of DD's christening, MIL thought it would be best not to attend since she knew her sister would be there. Apparently there was no right answer to this problem because Bill was very angry at MIL for not coming but also said he wouldn't tolerate MIL and her sister fighting, which MIL was sure her sister was going to attack her again, at which George was likely to defend MIL and escalate everything.

In trying to explain why she decided not to go to the christening & why George was so upset with MIL's sister, MIL tried to have Bill put himself in George's shoes and said "Well, how would you feel if somebody attacked Andrea like that?" Well, Bill took that the wrong way and started yelling at MIL "Don't you dare threaten my wife! How dare you! I can't believe you just said that! I don't want to talk to you anymore!" etc etc.

After a cooling off period, MIL reached out to Bill again. They all agreed to go to counseling to try and work things out. That turned into a George-bashing session. After Bill & Steve graduated & left home, George quit the police force and started a series of self-employed ventures that were highly successful in the beginning, then ended up going bankrupt, always someone else's fault. Bill took that tidbit and ran with it. He insisted that George either get a real job or MIL leave him, saying it just wasn't right that MIL still had to work at her age. He had a point, but I don't feel that he had the right to put demands on his mom like that. None of his business in my opinion. At MIL's inquiry about the next counseling session, Bill told her that he doesn't have time for this crap;he has his own family to think about now. And they didn't speak for several years.

no time

Sorry - no time to update today. Leaving early to testify before the magistrate about the purse snatching. If it's over early, I'll be back and update then.

BIL history/update

Steve and I met in 1997. The first time I met his brother Bill, we realized that we used to work together at my first job. I was in the office and he was in shipping. He'd sometimes give me a ride to work if I was walking (usually in the rain or snow). I remember saying something mean to him right before I left that job. I'd asked him how was ScoobyDoo, since he looked SO much like Shaggy. He didn't find it amusing. Whatever. I was a 19 yr old know-it-all-brat at the time. It was 2 lifetimes ago.

When Steve & I announced our engagement, Bill tried to talk Steve out of it - because he remembers me from that first job and I was too bossy. (Hello Kettle!) Originally, he had agreed to be Steve's best man (like Steve was for him just a little over a year earlier) but about 2 months before the wedding, backed out. He didn't think we should get married at all. Luckily, Steve had just re-connected with a good buddy who stepped up to the plate. BTW, Steve's new best man and both his groomsmen wanted to go to Maryland and kick Bill's ass for the way he was acting.

Bill, being the marital expert that he is, stopped speaking to Steve for 3 or 4 years. Never mind that Steve had been driving to MD almost every weekend to support and console him after his first wife left him for some internet fling. Never mind that Steve would drop everything to run down to MD to fix his brother's water heater, shower, commode, etc whenever he called. Never mind that Steve was Bill's best man, regardles of his thoughts on the appropriateness of the relationship, in March 97, then celebrated with this new family in Sept 97, when Steve's neice was born. Mr Highandmighty Holierthanthou knew what was right for his brother's happiness. More likely, he didn't like that Steve was no longer available for his beckoned call.

Out of the blue one year, on Steve's birthday, Bill called to wish him a happy one. He acted like nothing had ever happened. Steve accepted the attempt and has sort of reconnected with his brother. To this day, that big white elephant is still sitting in the middle of the room. Nobody wants to bring up the subject. Well, I want to, but won't out of respect for Steve. They broke relations one more time and reconnected again. Now there are 2 big white elephants in the room.

Anyway, Bill also has issues with their mom. She divorced their dad when Steve was only 3 yrs old. If she hadn't, she'd probably be a domestic violence statistic today. I love his dad, but the 2 of them are like gas and fire together. Not good. MIL remarried in 77 to a policeman named George. By this time, Bill must have felt like he was the man of the family at the ripe old age of 15. We think he must have resented having a new man in his mom's life and being told what he could and could not do. There was friction, to say the least.

I'll go ahead and post this now and finish tomorrow - just so my ya ya's have something to read....

So sorry I missed it

My 14 yr old neice Sarah has been taking voice lessons for about a year or 2 now I think. She has such an awesome natural talent, but the lessons are refining that for her. For the summer, Stef's godfather Shawn is letting Sarah sing with his Christian rock band so she can get some stage experience. She sang 2 songs with them Friday night at The Coffee House in Hershey and again at a church event Saturday. The first time she started singing Friday night, Shawn's jaw actually dropped (and some of the other guy's jaws too) They'd heard her during practice but she totally wow'd them all during the performance. I'm so proud of her! I sent our camcorder along with my sister to capture Saturday's gig. I'm so so sorry I couldn't attend either (or both) shows. I need to check the website for their schedule. www.livemusicisbest.com

Potty training update: Friday 40% success, Saturday 50% success, Sunday 100% success, so far today 0% but it's early.

Sunday was very interesting but requires background info for it to make sense, so I'll save that story for a little later.

Steve and I both got summons to appear before the magistrate as defense witnesses in the purse-snatching. yippee. Wednesday at 1:30 is the preliminary hearing. Luckily for me, I get full pay for witness duty. It sounds like they're going to make Steve take personal time to go, so he's likely to just take the whole day off. Jokingly, he said to me "see what happens when you get involved??!!??" It's a pain, but it was still the right thing to do.

100% Success

Stef had no potty accidents at all yesterday. MIL was on my nerves, but that's her job. Either way, end result was 100% success. This was the 4th or 5th day she woke up completely bone dry too. She'd been waking up just barely damp for awhile before that. Apparently Stef just expects the potty prizes from me now and doesn't expect any from grandma. Whatever works. It just hurt a bit to hear that she can do it "better" than me. I know in my head that it's not better, just different. But it still hurts in my heart. Goes back to the same old hurt of not being a SAHM for Stef.

Apparently I do the discipline "better". Grandma was all beside herself about Stef pulling and pinching and hurting her boxer Daisy. She felt that transgression deserves a swat on the butt, but knows we don't really agree with hitting. I told her (though she didn't do it) to just separate them when Stef is doing that to poor Daisy (who, btw, just stands there and takes it with grace). I demonstrated the effectiveness of this technique last night while we were there for dinner. Grandma just doesn't get that it doesn't have to be punishment. Time out is just meant to de-fuse the situation and stop the behavior. It worked great for me. And to my surprise, in the middle of her 2nd timeout last night, Stef looked at me panic-stricken and said her first real full sentence "I gotta go potty!" So we rushed over to the bathroom and she continued her winning streak!!!

Visited places

http://www.world66.com/myworld66/visitedStates/statemap?visited=ALAZCTDCDEFLILINLAMDMAMSNHNJNMNYOHPASCTXVA">
> your own visited states map or check out these Google Hacks.

Thanks Linda & Elisa for this idea.

Progress on potty training

Bribery seems to be the key for Stef. Since I started giving her Potty Prizes (aka M&M's), she's been much more consistent. She called me just a little while ago to tell me "Poopoo potty"!!!!!!!! Yippeeeeeeee! I said she should get a whole handful of Potty Prizes for that one (as opposed to the 3 she gets for peepee). She told Grandma that she needed to potty, then came out and told her poopoo!

We just needed to find the right motivation.

SUPER Steve

What a Father's Day we had!!!! We had a great weekend all the way around, but Sunday was SUPER. Steve's dad stopped in on his way home from visiting Bill and the girls in MD. Apparently Ashley's birthday party was Saturday. We weren't invited, no surprise there though. Anyway, we took Grandpop out for lunch at Carlos & Charlies. Stef was really well behaved for the majority of the meal; just started acting up towards the end because she was tired of sitting and was really ready for her nap.

After naptime, we went to my mom's to re-fix her ceiling fan and tighten up some garden hose connections that were leaking. My brother Glenn visited for a while. It was really nice to see him - he works alot so I rarely see him of late. Stef is still terrified of him. Granted, he is a pretty scary looking biker dude, but LOVES little kids. He tried but Stef just wouldn't make up to him.

Next we went for our grocery run. It was getting pretty late, but Stef had taken a 3-1/2 hour nap so I wasn't too worried about keeping her up past bedtime. Steve let me drive the VUE because I hardly ever get to drive it and it's fun. As we were looking for a parking spot at the Giant in Centerville, I saw some punk kid on a bicycle snatch a lady's purse out of her shopping cart and take off. She started yelling and another guy in the parking lot started chasing the punk, but he was on a bike and too fast for either person on foot. BUT! I was in the VUE. I told Steve what I'd seen and we both said "Let's go".

We followed the punk around the back of the store and lost sight of him momentarily, but then Steve spotted him behind a trailer. He hollered at the punk and I sped over to where Steve had seen him. The punk took off again, this time off the back of the pavement into a corn field which hadn't been planted this year yet. There was a really big ditch between the pavement and the cornfield. And that's where the punk was trying to hide and go through the lady's purse. Steve jumped out of the VUE and yelled at the punk "What the fuck is your problem?!?!?" The kid was just shoving something in his pocket. Steve grabbed the purse back from him and gathered up the rest of the stuff that had been dumped on the ground. The punk had evidently fallen and cut himself on his bike or something because there was blood all over the purse. Steve could tell he was bleeding and decided not the beat the crap outta him. And he said he reminded Steve of Screech from Saved by the Bell.

If Stef hadn't been in the vehicle with us, I'd have gotten out and grabbed him up by his scruff and dragged him over to apologize to the lady, but I have different priorities now. The kid got back on his bike and took off again. He went back out to the front side of the store, exited the parking lot, and headed north on Centerville Rd. The other guy that gave chase had lent his cell to the lady to call the police and she was still on with them when we brought her purse back to her. The only thing she could find missing was a $10 bill. And there was a bunch more blood on a plastic baggie that she carried her Nicorette gum in. Probably a REALLY good thing that SHE didn't get her hands on the punk as she'd just quit smoking a few days before.

When the policeman showed up, he took our statements and told us they think they had apprehended the individual up around the corner on Marietta Ave. Since Steve and the lady were the only ones that had gotten a good look at his face, they were asked to drive up with the policeman and identify the punk. It was definately him!

The lady kept telling Stefanie that her daddy is a hero. I think so too! I'm so proud of him!! And I'm humbled to be part of our Dynamic Duo. It may not have been the smartest thing to do, but it was the RIGHT thing to do.

And he didn't even want me to tell anybody. HA! I told him fat chance of that! I'm going to brag on him from here to there and back again. (of course his mom is proud of him too but was worried and scared that he could've been hurt, but that's ok, it's her job).

Plus I want to warn people of this type of theft. Don't leave your purse in the shopping cart (or buggy for our Southern friends) while you load the groceries in the car!

Father's Day

Happy Father's Day to all the great dads out there. And to my Godfather, for being a great substitute daddy to me.

I'm trying really really hard not to think about my own dad this weekend. Best to just concentrate on how truly wonderful of a daddy Steve is to Stefanie. We are so blessed. Happy Father's Day Love!

Scared to poop?

I'm starting to think Stef is afraid to poop in the potty. She was sitting there this morning as I was reading GoDogGo to her (this is her sitting on the potty book). I could tell she was straining. She kept looking in the potty every few seconds. Finally I saw a little turd in there. As soon as she saw that, she was FINISHED even though I knew she still had to go some more. There was no talking her into sitting back down. Ten minutes later her pull-up was full. She had a bit of a regression over the weekend too. I'm really starting to think she'd do much better just wearing regular panties all day long, but MIL doesn't want her pee'ing on her carpet, so that's out M-Th at least. It's really hard on the weekends too, because that's when we have to do all our running and I really don't want her to pee in the car seat. I almost feel like I need to try another potty training vacation. Sigh

My head is gonna explode

...and all the numbers are just gonna come spilling out! And it's not gonna be pretty! These mortgage people are giving me a serious headache. After spending my entire lunch hour (and then some) plus 45 minutes after work (plus about 30 minutes during work - shhhhh) talking to these people, I just couldn't look at it or think about it anymore last night. I looked at it this morning and compared the choices and we're going with a home equity loan from Wachovia. That will free up about $250 a month in the budget. That will offer some breathing room for increasing gas prices and pizza once in a while, plus adding extra payments to the last credit card standing.

I have lived much much leaner than this in my lifetime. I remember having to pawn stuff just to get $10 or $20 for chicken leg quarters. Even leaner - there was a time I only had $20 a week for groceries. Of course groceries were alot cheaper back then, but still.

Re-fi land

On a whim I clicked on a popup for refinancing mortgages. It was for lowermybills.com or something close to that. I got matched up with 5 different lenders. The one from QuickenLoans was very pushy at first, but he seems to have the best program and is working the hardest for us, so that's who we decided to go with. I wish I could've talked more with the Wachovia person. They had practically no closing costs in their program. It was too good to be true though and I wanted to ask more questions but she's out of the office til Wed or Thurs. So Quicken it is. I really need to get rid of these credit card bills. They're sucking us dry. Then, we need to put all our credit cards in the freezer in a block of ice. We have too much impulse buying going on. It's time to behave and live within our means again.

I pouted all morning Saturday. I felt so bad for allowing us to get into this situation (since I'm the one who handles the budget, it falls in my lap). Then I decided to get busy doing something about it. It's a bit overwhelming though - gathering all this info and getting it faxed over to Quicken. It's a good thing I'm a good multi-tasker.

Random pictures

Stef's funny face

fell asleep on the recliner

grown from a slip off my grandmother's rose

our house


the red hot pokers are finally blooming again

crazy rose bush

back yard

Sitter situation resolved

Well, mostly, anyway. What it boils down to is that MIL needs to mind her own business and not worry about us having to find a sitter if she's not scheduled to have Stef. If my mom is sick, then it's mine and Steve's responsibility find someone. That being said, I really do have to find a reliable back up for when my mom is sick. I can't keep asking my cousin to stay up all day when she works nights. I've asked my Godmother and she's willing to help if she has nothing else planned. I should still find a daycare with drop in service though in case she's busy on a day that mom's sick. I cringe at the thought of the only one I've found so far. It's very close to our house, but $60 a day is steep. I'll keep looking.

BooBoo

Steve called me yesterday to tell me he got his tetanus shot. I was thinking it was because of the rip up his arm from catching it on a rusty screen door handle. But NO! He cut the tip of his finger off. There was a razor blade sticking up in his tool bag and it got him when he reached in to get a tool. Imagine a stack of 2 dimes - that's what is missing from his right forefinger. He never did find the missing piece. At first he just put bandaids on it but kept bleeding through so he wrapped it in a paper towel and they sent him to hospital thinking he might need stitches. There's nothing there to stitch, so they bandaged it up really well, gave him a tetanus shot, some vicadan, and the Z-pack antibiotic. It's just going to have grow skin back on it's own. The paperwork they sent home with him said it could take up to 6 weeks! Yuck yuck yuck! The thought of the whole thing just makes me queasy. I'd never have been able to be a nurse!

Update on MIL working vs babysitting Stef.....Steve mentioned to her that I was looking at some daycares and it scared the living crap outta her. She called me Saturday to say she just doesn't know what she'd do if she wasn't taking care of Lil Munchkin and wanted to know what we are going to do. I said we are going to act on whatever she tells us she wants to do but she has to tell us. I also asked how much it would cost us to keep her fulltime. She doesn't know what she wants to do and even when she decides, she'll second guess her decision til the day she dies. It's really hard sometimes, working with the human waffle. Anyway, we're invited to dinner with her tonight (mac & cheese & fish - YUMMMMM) and I guess we'll talk more then.

What I really need to find is just reliable drop-in service for when my mom gets sick. She'll be more than happy to take Stef 2 days a week as long as she's healthy. I've found out that the daycare at ParkCity Mall takes drop-ins. I haven't called yet though. Guess I should do that before dinner tonight.

SO incredibly upset

It's not like I hadn't been considering the idea myself because of hints being dropped and my mom's health not holding steady. MIL called me this morning on my way to the office to say she really needs to work at least 2 days during the week and can we consider putting Stef in part time daycare, maybe with a church group or something. The thing is, we only pay $10/day right now. I called one daycare that accepts drop-ins: $60/day (plus a $75 application fee). Holy sheep shit! I'm sure the pricing would be different for fulltime or parttime care, but it just gripes me to no end.

After all the fussing and fighting and crying and cojoling she did to get to be THE babysitter, now she keeps backing out on us. First it was Fridays that she isn't keeping Stef. Now she wants another day. I can understand needing to work more, but Sith Spawn!

Of course it's left to me to do all the leg work and research and calling around and budget re-configuring. Something is going to have to go. Maybe more than one something. (I'm not talking about the dogs here)

Maybe I'll call the mortgage lady and see about re-financing or getting a 2nd. Maybe my head will just explode and I'll feel better then.

Sunovahutt!

Back to the grind

I'm finally back at work after a 10 day break/vacation. I have lots to share but also lots of work to get caught up on.

Here's the reader's digest version:

Stef is about 85% potty trained now. She was doing really really well, but then went on strike Thursday and Friday. Back on track now.

We had a great time visiting the Philly Zoo. And Stef and I had a fabulous week together!

Our neighborhood yard sale is this Saturday. I'm anxious to clean the spaces being taken up by all the baby stuff and collect some cash for it all, but it's bitter sweet. I don't really want to be getting rid of any of these things. Sigh.

More later in the week as time permits (go figure! they actually expect me to do some WORK in exchange for use of their high speed interenet connection!)

Problem solved

My 18 yr old cousin is coming to watch Stef tomorrow. Whew!

2 year checkup

Last night was Stef's 2 yr checkup. She got to stand on the "big girl scale" and use the "big girl heighth measuring thingy". She was not impressed. But then again, she refused her nap but fell asleep in the car on the way to the doctor, which always makes for a very grumpy Stef.

She weighs 28 lbs and is 33" (which will make her 5'6" fully grown if that theory holds true). She's developing wonderfully, normal in all aspects. The development sheet they gave us says she should be saying I, ME, and YOU, which she doesn't, but it'll come in time. She should have at least 50 clear words in her vocabulary. She has well over 50 words I'm sure, but I didn't actually sit and count them. We're supposed to go off the whole milk and toddler toothpaste now. The doc was impressed with her progress in potty training. Next week is my vacation week to do intensive potty training with her.

My mother-in-law was very frustrated with Stef's potty training yesterday. She kept refusing to keep her pull ups on. Everytime she tried to put pants on the child, she'd run screaming "potty potty". Put her on the potty and nothing. Later she pee'd on the carpet, pee'd on the floor, and pooped on the floor (right next to the potty!!) Agh! I think Stef was just full of herself yesterday. My little Miss Independence.

Crap Crap Crap! Now my mom just called. She's sick and won't be able to watch Stef tomorrow. I can't take off work because my niece is supposed to career shadow me tomorrow, plus I have all next week off. My sister is busy, Wendy can't take off, Von is working. The last hope I can think of is Megan. I left her a voice mail. I know she's working at a Wendy's but don't know her schedule. I hope she calls me back really soon! I have one other thought but I don't think Steve would be comfortable with it. We shall see.

Funny little girl

Stef was with me in the bathroom yesterday morning as I was getting ready for work. She grabbed me and pushed to make me turn around. She was saying "Tail? Tail?" She's looking for my tail!!! I tried to explain to her that people don't have tails. Grandma says she's been looking at all her babies and animals trying to find the tails too.

For about the past 2 wks, Stef has been saying Omi (German for grandma) for my mom. Well actually she's been saying something more like Aaah-mi. All the sudden Sunday afternoon, she starts calling her Emmo (her word for Elmo)! Omi was not very amused (on the outside anyway. on the inside I think she thinks it's hilarious). She kept asking Stef "Do I look like I'm red and furry?" I just had to say "Well Mom, you did have your hair dyed red not too long ago" :) She's gone back to calling her Aaah-mi, so now Omi wonders if Stef was making a joke? Can they do that this young?

Party party party

Stef's birthday party was GREAT! We all had lots of fun. Here are some pictures.

The cakes I made:

Daddy pushing Stef in her favorite present:

Having fun with the game leftovers:

eating some cupcakes:

her 4th cupcake!!

Another Prozac day

I finally admitted to myself yesterday that my Prozac needs to be adjusted. I haven't felt quite like myself for about 5 weeks now. I've been either short tempered or on the verge of tears and getting upset over stupid inconsequential things. Five weeks ago would be about when we decided to give up trying to conceive and I expected to feel down from that. I was giving it some time to see if I would get over it, if it was just a situational temporary depression. Five weeks later, it's not better. And the kicker that made me the call the doc was that my new boss called me Terrisa to a co-worker and I was gonna jump down his throat! Not a smart move for a no-big-deal offense. Wake up call!

So the doc approved increasing me from 40mg to 60mg and if that doesn't work I need to call them in about 2 weeks.

On the potty training front...Stef made poopoo for me today. She kept saying poopoo (as I'm getting us ready to get out the door of course) so I sat her down on the potty. She had a little poo in her diaper but she kept pushing and saying poopoo. Nothing happened so she got up and was running around the kitchen diaperless. I had to take the messed diaper up to the diaper pail and get a fresh pull up for her. When I came back downstairs, there she is, squatting under the table. She got SO excited to tell me she made a poopoo (on my kitchen floor!!) so I couldn't possibly be mad at her. She's too cute to get mad at her anyway. ;)

Almost ready

I only have about a dozen details to settle for Stef's 24 month birthday party now. Lets see...

Cover the puzzles (printed out from the web) in plastic and cut pieces apart
Draw a face on the last Shovel and Pail
Make one more Handy Dandy Notebook and put it and the last 2 already made together.
Order the food Friday for pickup Sunday.
Make bean bags for the game.
Make the cakes/cupcakes.
Buy the last few things like napkins, small plates, hamburger, Manwich, condiments.
Make hamburg BBQ.

Okay, so that's only 8 things. I must be missing something.

And I got a phone call this morning that Stef made poopoo in the potty!!!!!!!!!!!! She made peepee 3 times yesterday! I think she's gonna be a thankfully easy train. (knock wood)

Why doth she vex me so?

My mother-in-law was jumping up and down on my last nerve yesterday. I'm trying really really hard to just let it go. It's not that important. Honestly though, I have enough trouble maintaining my self-esteem. I sure don't need help from her in tearing it down further.

Serenity now!!!!!

We might not make it....

to my vacation week of May 22, scheduled with the intention of intensive potty training.

I say we might not make it because Stef made peepee in the potty last night!! She asked to go. I didn't believe her but she insisted so I sat her down. And she filled it with peepee!!!!! Stood up and said peepee in a different tone of voice like she was saying "see mom mom?!? told ya so!"

Freaking hilarious! What a great baby! Yes I still say baby. She's not turning 2 this Sunday. She's turning 24 months. As long as I can still say months, she's still a baby. Right? LOL

Stef's not helping

Baby girl was so happy and pleasant this morning...until I tried to put her shoes and jacket on. Then she knew we were about to pack up in the car and go to her Grandma's house. She started fussing and whining and complained about a non-existent booboo the whole way in the car. She's usually quite happy to stay with Gra-Ma and Daiseeey. But today, she didn't want to get out of the car seat and kept reaching for me to hold her and didn't want to take off her coat. I know she was okay as soon as I left but it just breaks my heart into little bitty pieces when she acts like that at drop off time.

Now I'm feeling so utterly sad that I can hardly concentrate here at work.

What a dumb ass

Would you believe....

I bought a new HP printer last night on sale at Staples. The dude even asked me if I need a printer cable. I said "No, I have one. I'm replacing a dead printer" Well, apparently printer cables have changed from the big fat P&J type to the nice little USB type since I bought my last printer. So, the new printer is set up, but I still couldn't make Stef's invitations because I don't have a USB cable. I have some USB lines with some other connection of the other side, but not one with USB on both ends. There is NO way I'm going to buy the USB at Staples now. I'll be going to Office Max where the sales people have no idea how dumb I am. Gee, if all else fails, read the directions on the box.

Depressed again?

I don't know. I was very emotional all day yesterday for no good reason. Both down and angry intermittently.

Stress? Probably.

Hormones? Maybe.

Do my meds need adjusted? I won't visit that with a doctor unless this lasts more than a week or so.

It might be that the planets were aligned in a bad way for capricorns because Steve was in a mood yesterday too. Thankfully, he understands when I say my nerves are on edge, he gets extra helpful. I was on the verge of a meltdown as we went to bed last night but he rescued me.

I have so many things to do right now and no time, it seems to do them. Stef's birthday is less than 2 weeks away now and I STILL haven't made the party invitations. My printer is dead. It has a carriage stall, which could be serviced at the Best Buy in Harrisburg (not conveniently located for me). Or I could trade it in on a refurbished HP printer (no thank you).

I should have had time to go buy a new one yesterday, but that didn't end up working out. We fixed my mom's electrical issues and finished his mom's phone line installation that he couldn't finish Saturday night (we needed more parts and it was late and we were all too tired by then). I got groceries while he finished the phone line thing. Laundry is still not finished. I usually get most of the laundry done on Sundays, but one or 2 loads have been spilling over into the week lately. I didn't vacuum at all or swiffer the kitchen. I didn't check with the grocery store on prices of the party platters for Stef's birthday.

It stresses me out that we only have the weekends to get all this crap done and then that's also when people want help from one or both of us. It doesn't help that Steve sleeps til 10-ish most weekends. I hate to say he can't do that. He works hard during the week and especially the weekend after he gives up the beeper, he needs to catch up on his rest. It just crams everything into the afternoons, and usually screws up Stef's nap time.

AND, I'm pretty sure she's ready to start potty training and have no real idea where to begin. I was thinking of taking a week off work to do the intensive every-30-minutes plan. The vacation schedule is looking pretty full at the time I wanted to take off. Sigh, at least my mother-in-law is offering to "work together" on the potty training now. When it was first mentioned, she said "I'll let you handle that" Whatever. I'd rather be the one to handle it and all aspects of raising my daughter, but that's not in my future any time soon.

Somebody please take this pity pot away from me!!!!!

Take responsiblity PLEASE!

Why are some people such prima donas that they can't take responsibility for their own actions??? Why do they feel the need to blame me for something that is NOT MY FAULT or MY RESPONSIBILITY???

One of my co-workers is trying to blame me for his personal tax return being late now. His accountant called yesterday and told him they'd be dropping off his tax return here at the office. His assistant gave him this message and he freely admits to remembering having gotten said message. The accountant dropped off the taxes with me yesterday, sometime in the midst of the craziness of the last day of tax season. I put the envelope in his mail box, per procedure, just like I always put all their stuff in all their mail boxes, regardless of delivery method.

He didn't check his mail box AT ALL yesterday. Or the day before for that matter. Yet now it's my fault that his taxes are going to filed late, since he just found them in his mailbox today. He tried to say I should have called him since they hand delivered them. I'm sorry, but, not my job! I was SO pissed that it made me cry. But all is well. My office manager has my back. He told me that he'll tell this co-worker in a few days what his decision on the matter is. There is no way the office (aka me) will be paying the late filing penalty for his mistake. His taxes are HIS responsibility to make sure they are filed on time, regardless of what anybody else does with them. The accountant isn't responsible, this office sure isn't responsible, and it sure as HELL isn't my responsibility.

Okay, vent over.

Pictures!!

mmm cupcakes

cupcake face

finger painting with yogurt on our window

Tax time is a bitch

I'm really really busy at work and haven't found time to blog lately. I'm doing reasonably ok, not crying every day anymore. We got a nice swingset for Stefanie on Sunday which she LOVES. She calls it her WEEEEEE since that what she says the whole time on the swing.

One of my co-workers said some things that had me bawling my eyes out yesterday. I'm still upset about it. Stupid inconsiderate jerk. I know he meant no harm. He's clueless. But it still stings. I should go buy him a little plastic shovel. He just kept digging himself in deeper and deeper. I wanted to yell at him "Shut up shuttin up rabbit!"

Officially finished

Steve and I had our talk about continuing to try for baby #2 last night. I KNEW he didn't understand what all was involved in egg donation. He's definately not into that. I told him that's pretty much our only hope besides lots more prayers. He still thinks that if he does his homework more often, I'll get pregnant. I'm certainly not going to discourage his homework goals, but if there is no good egg to hook up with, he can do homework all day every day and it won't get me pregnant.

So, no more medical intervention, no more shots, no more pills. If it happens it will happen naturally due to even more prayers. I'm just glad to have actually come to a decision so I know where we stand. I'm okay with having our family complete as is (most of the time). It's really hard to see pregnant women and little babies right now. But that will get better in time too.

If it's God's will, I'll get pregnant unexpectedly, just like our miracle baby Stefanie.

Aaaaaahhhhhh!

I just had Monday and Tuesday off to spread the mulch on the gardens. I ran out btw, could've used one more scoop. I SO needed those 2 days and all the physical work that filled them. It was a great stress buster. I feel SO much better now.

Plus Steve and I are still thinking about maybe doing egg donation. We just really need to sit down and have a good talk about it. I'm not sure that he fully understands what it involves and what it all means.

Stef and I had such a great time the past 2 days too. We played outside Monday. Yesterday, we made cupcakes. (white cake with white icing so we could color them) She had the best time mixing the food coloring into the cake mix and icing. Later, I was in the living room and I hear Stef in the kitchen saying "Mmmmm. Mmmmmm. Mmmm" She was dipping her finger in the icing of the cupcake nearest the edge of the counter. She is hilarious! Cracks me up everyday.

Monday, she made an artistic masterpiece that I hated to get rid of. She fingerpainted with yogurt on the living room window. Boy was she angry when I cut her off at the pass as she headed to the window with her yogurt cup on Tuesday.

I just don't get it!

How can any parent just wipe their children from their mind?

I've seen evidence that my dad may be back in town again. Without telling me, AGAIN. When he and his woman were here last time, their car had a license plate frame that had Ken & Barb on the top, and his last name on the bottom (not typing so it's not Google-able by him). When they went back to California without telling me (but telling his cousin), I would assume they either took their car with them, or sold it and flew out. Either way, I've seen this same license plate frame in my home town again, twice, in the same area on a big black SUV.

If he sold the car, and then the buyer traded it in on this SUV, why would this new owner keep the frame with someone else's name on it??? I think he's back and living in an apartment on Locust Street (not the best neighborhood in town).

I am SO finished with him. But I need to get the cemetary plots straightened out, and his name is on the deed jointly with Mom's. Or I could just forget he exists too, and wait for him to die. Then the deed will convert to either Mom or my sister and I, depending on if Mom is still with us when he goes. AGH! What a jerk!

We're finished.

Steve and I talked this morning. I needed time to pray about this and hear the answer in my heart. He's in agreement. We're finished trying for a second baby. No egg donor. No adoption. We're happy with our little family.

I still need time to get over these feelings. My feeling now is that the baby fever was not put in my heart by God and it's just not meant to be. I can't help but feel like I've let Steve and Stefanie down. Like a failure as a woman. Please don't tell me not to feel like this. I feel it and I need to finish feeling it.

We really wanted Stef to have a sibling. We each have one sibling and wanted her to have that close sharing bond growing up. We also wanted her to have someone after we're gone. She can never say we didn't try.

Just as I suspected

I'm not pregnant.

All FRED's say no

All the First Response Early Detection home pregnancy tests I took (Fri, Sat, and Sun) were negative...glaringly white negatives. I hold little hope that today's blood test will be otherwise. My gut feeling is that my ass is a pincushion all for naught. Now that the possibility is really looming, I'm not so sure how I feel about the egg donation idea. Steve and I need to really talk about it tonight if today's news is what I think it is.

Finally Friday

The home pregancy test was a big fat glaringly white negative today. But I have to remind myself that I'm only 11 days past ovulation, which is still way early. I will keep testing over the weekend, mostly so Steve will be there to share the positive if we get one. And if I keep getting negatives, it helps prepare me for a possible negative blood test Monday.

I actually dreamed last night that I got a positive home test. Wishful thinking or a good sign? We shall see.

I'm just about convinced that Stefanie was my last good egg and egg donation is the way God wants us to go. I keep hearing about it now lately, and never really heard about it before. Let's cross that bridge if need be.

Tick tock tick tock

The 2 week wait is always hard, but this cycle's 2ww is killing me! I want to know if I'm pregnant, and I want to know NOW! Testing before Friday would just be pissing money away though. Is it Friday yet?

Poor Stefanie. She has a sinus infection. I feel so bad that she's taking after me in that department. She's on amoxycillan. Steve and I are both allergic to penicillin and he and his mom are both freaked about Stef taking a drug in the same family. I checked with the pediatrician's office and they said just to watch for a rash, especially since that's the reaction both of us have to pcn. A reaction will typically show within the first 2 or 3 doses.

Is it Friday yet?

What a great weekend!

Except for Steve having to work a 12 hour shift Saturday, we had one of the best weekends in ages. The weather was SO nice Saturday. Stefanie and I played on the playground, then did some work in the back yard. She's such a little helper. She had a great nap, although it was interrupted by some kid ringing the doorbell (which drives the dogs into a barking frenzy) - something about collecting money for the Heart Association. I would normally have been happy to donate, but it pissed me off that they woke Stef too early from her nap. Sweet baby that she is, she was still pleasant the rest of the day anyway.

I took care of the grocery shopping, started the laundry, and vaccuumed upstairs and downstairs. It just felt great that I did most of the weekend crap on Saturday so we wouldn't have to deal with it Sunday PLUS had some great play time with Stef.

Sunday, we went to the record show. Stef was surprisingly tolerant of standing around looking at music for much longer than I expected. We took some comfort food to Steve's mom, as she's now got the chest flu that we all had. Also took her some medicine. She actually called off work all weekend and she's taking today as a sick day from watching Stef too. That's cool because my mom is actually feeling pretty well lately (I think it's because the weather is getting nice again and the sun's been shining a lot).

Only a week to go til the last blood test. I'll be taking a HPT Friday. Walmart was sold out of Equate brand, which I hear has the lowest sensitivity level, so I'm stuck with FRED again this month. I can't wait to see that 2nd pink line!!!

Sick of feeling sick (maybe TMI for some people)

After barely recovering from the stupid bronchitis, now my house has been battling the stomach flu. I started with it on Tuesday;just didn't feel quite right all day. Steve had been home sick with his bout of the chest cold so I made him a big batch of chicken pot pie. SO not fair! I couldn't even eat any of it!!! While I was rolling out the dough, I begged him to take over with the cooking because I was either going to puke or pass out. I felt better when I sat down and rested, but as soon as he brought me my plate of pot pie I ran for the bathroom.

Poor Stefanie. She cried because I left the room without. She could tell something was wrong. She talked daddy into letting her come out of the living room and promptly opened the bathroom door and started stroking my hair (and trying to look in the toilet to see what was so interesting in there that mommy was studying it so closely). I couldn't even put her to bed without running to the bathroom every 10-15 minutes. Poor baby. She finally was tired enough that 10 minutes did it for her. I spent the rest of the night (until 3am anyway) sitting on the toilet and hurling into the trash can. There was NOTHING left, yet I couldn't stop heaving. I spent Wednesday in bed. That's 3 sick incidents just this year! Totally not normal for me.

Stef only threw up once before I got her up Wednesday then seemed fine. We started her on the clear liquids diet and moved on up to light solids by the end of the day with no problems. So Thursday, my mother-in-law put her back on her regular menu. Eggs and toast for breakfast. But then she wouldn't eat anything the rest of the day. Apparently it was because her breakfast was still sitting in her tummy all day long. As I was putting her to bed, she burped a VERY wet burp. She let out 4 or 5 heaves and I was covered in eggs, toast, water, and juice. Lovely. I surprised myself at how calm I stayed for her sake. "Uh-oh. Let's clean this up"

She threw up again at 11pm and at 11:45pm. It was quiet the rest of the night, but she was NOT ready to get up this morning. Very clingy and whiney. My mom has her now and last I heard, she's feeling MUCH better. We'll see how tonight goes.

Permission to ovulate, Sir?

I just got the ok to trigger ovulation Saturday night. My IUI's will be Monday and Tuesday morning. That means I will probably have a blood test scheduled for March 20. I'm sort of nervous, but also have pretty low expectations at this point. Trying to stay positive!!!

Scary scary moment

Sometimes I swear I have more work ethic than brains. With all my lung issues, I still insisted on walking the deposit to the bank yesterday. It was too much for me to handle yet. I coughed the whole way to the bank and the whole back. It's only ONE block away! I seriously thought I was going to pass out on the street, but somehow made it back into the lobby. One co-worker fetched my rescue inhaler for me while I rested on the couch. I was still coughing so much that I couldn't get a good hit on from the inhaler. The office manager walked by on his way out to a meeting (that he was already late for) and he wouldn't leave til I felt better (what a good dude). He just didn't know what to do for me. Sometimes blowing my nose helps, so he got me a tissue. No good. Another co-worker and long-time asthma sufferer came by and asked what she could do, so I had her pound on my back with cupped hands. That calmed me down enough that I could at least hit the inhaler. Boss said today that he was about ready to call 911. Honestly, I was about ready to ask him to make that call. That was the worst asthma attack I've EVER had. I really don't feel any better today either, but was sick of laying around the house at home, and didn't feel like fooling with getting a doctor's note for being out 3 days in a row. It must be my military training. You just plain DO NOT call in sick in the Air Force.

I met my new supervisor today. Seems like a very nice man. He wants to come back next week to talk to me some more. I know the new complex-manager loves me already. (impressed by my organizational skills - which are really just survival skills so I'm not completely lost - easier to organize it now than to try and find it later). I hope the new supervisor likes me too.

Coughing up a lung

I have bronchitis on top of a sinus infection on top of a severe asthma attack. Also running a fever over 100 since Saturday. Doc gave me an antibiotic, prednisone, and instructions to hit my asthma inhaler 4 times a day. I stayed home from work Monday and Tuesday, but am braving work today. I had to go for ultrasound and bloodwork this morning anyway. Plus my Follistim refill was being delivered to the office and I need it for tonight's injection. Maybe I'll just go home now that it's been delivered. I feel completely like crap.

SO deflated

The blood test Monday was negative. Michelle said I can go straight to IVF due to my age if I so choose. The statistical success rates are the same for IUI and IVF at my age, and Dr F's office has had no successful IVF pregnancies for 40 or 41 yr old patients, so I'll be sticking the IUI.

It's SO hard to stay positive this time. I'm sure they quoted the statistics to me at the initial consultation, but I obviously tuned it out. Like Han Solo said, "Never tell me the odds!" So, now that 10% success rate in the general population for 40-41 yr olds via IVF or IUI is sinking in and it's hard to accept.

If this never happens for us, I'll be okay with that (most days) but it's the not knowing that bugs me so much. It's hard to know if this is a sign to stop or a test of my faith and perserverance. I've prayed for God to show me his will. I hesitate to ask Him to make it obvious since the incident with my sister asking the same thing*. One more cycle won't hurt anything, so I'm going for it.

Hmmm - Dr Dodson's office just called back from yesterday. I wanted to know if they had any better success rates than Dr Filer. In short, no, they haven't. They've only done 6 or 7 IVF's for >40's in the past 9 yrs and none resulted in a pregnancy. Wow. That's really hard to hear. Even harder to hear (which I was aware of but again chose to ignore) is that the chances for chromosonal abnormalities is now at 50% for me. Over age 42 it just keeps going up and up. I would never terminate due to Downs' Syndrome or something, but how hard would that be to deal with in reality?? Side thought....I suppose that's God's way of matching up longevities...older mothers giving birth to short lived babies.

All this on top of that 62 or 63 yr old mother of 10 who just delivered a healthy baby. It all makes me just want to cry WHY WHY WHY? I know better than that though.


*prayer story from my sister.... She had been working at a nursing home under a contract company. Things were getting bad there. I think the company changed hands and there was a lot of shuffling going on. She prayed for God to let her know when it was time for her leave this facility and to please make it obvious. The contract company lost the contract and the facility chose not to offer the position to my sister. So, GET OUT! was a pretty obvious sign. God does have a sense of humor. :)

Friday

BFN today but it's still way early in the game

I've been tagged by Linda

List seven songs you are into right now. No matter what the genre, whether they have words, or even if they’re any good, but they must be songs you’re really enjoying now. Post these instructions in your blog along with your seven songs. Then tag seven other people to see what they’re listening to.

1-Aerosmith: Amazing
2-Aerosmith: Cryin'
3-Aerosmith: Janie's Got a Gun
4-Bryan Adams: Cuts Like a Knife
5-Hall & Oates: Maneater
6-Bob Seger: Turn the Page
7-Phil Collins: Feel it in the Air (not sure if that's the title or just the lyrics)

SunovaHutt!

My progesterone level was low in yesterday's test, even with taking 3 of these little gelcaps a day. SO.....it's back to the progesterone injections. My butt cheeks are crying just at the thought and memory of the 3 months of injections they endured for Stefanie's sake. Well, butt cheeks, suck it up. Stefanie was SO worth it, and her sibling will be too!

No pharmacies in the area had the stuff though, so the cheeks got a 24 hour reprieve until CVS gets the drug today.

This HAS to be IT

This month HAS to be our month to get pregnant!! I felt very bloated and weird crampy Monday. I asked the CNP on Tuesday and she says it was ovulation pain. I did NOT feel anything like that last month, so this month just HAS to work!!! I'm so excited and feeling very very positive.

Plus, we discussed the possibility of a 3rd cycle if need be (which it won't!) and Steve is okay with it if I am. I feel like cartoon butterflies are flying all around me! I don't get giddy very often, but it's here for me today! Hahaha.

The end of an era?

I had my 2 inseminations Monday and today. I'm kind of sad about it. We've pretty much decided that this is our last try. The stress of the whole process has been a big weight on me. If this one doesn't stick, I'm really pretty sure we're finished trying for baby #2.

Sigh. Maybe not. Michelle (the CNP) said most people doing this procedure are pregnant within 2 to 3 cycles. If this one doesn't take, and we quit at that, I think I'd always wonder if that 3rd month would've been our month. Better talk this over some more.

Approved to trigger

Yippee!!! I can reduce my Follistim again to 175 for tonight and tomorrow morning. Then I will trigger with the Ovidrel tomorrow night!!!! My IUI's are scheduled for Monday and Tuesday mornings, which is perfect timing since our auditor is supposed to be here in the office Wednesday. I'm guessing my blood pregnancy test will be 2/21, but they should tell me for sure after the IUI Monday. WOOHOO!

Doing better

I don't know if a cycle of the injectible drugs has taught my body to start behaving or what, but my estadiol was at a very desirable level yesterday. That means I could reduce my Lupron to 5 units and my Follistim to 225 units. I stayed at 300 units of Follistim the whole time last cycle, but don't need as much this time around.

On the down side, just when the bruises on my legs and stomach cleared, here I go again, bruising myself. It looks like I've been in a fight or an accident. That's okay though; it's a mnor price to pay for the possibility of another miracle in our lives.

Dodged a bullet

Whew!!! The doc's office just called. I can go straight into the next cycle, starting with Lupron tonight. I can start the Follistim Monday morning and night, then go for bloodwork Wednesday morning. That is SUCH good news because I really really really didn't want to go on birth control again.

Grateful

Even though I'm still completely bummed about my test results yesterday, I am also extremely grateful for all the support and friendship that comforted me. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

and the fat phlebotomist sings

The blood test was negative. The CNP says most people are pregnant within 2 or 3 cycles using this method and there's no reason not to try again. I can see one more cycle, but not so sure about 2 more.

Tagged

I've been tagged by Linda

Four jobs that I have had:
Service Support Controller
Aerospace Ground Equipment Technician
Grocery store checkout
Corporate Services Clerk

Four movies that I can watch over and over again:
Any of the Star Wars series
Princess Bride
Armageddon
Excalibur

Four places I have lived:
Columbia, PA
Panama City, Panama
Godmanchester, England
Clovis, NM

Four TV shows I love to watch:
Days of our Lives
Friends
Seinfeld
Clean Sweep

Four Websites I read daily:
A Blog about my day to day life (Susan)
Fairy Flutters
Life in the Crazy House
The Pereira Pit

Four places I have been on vacation:
Isla Grande, Panama
Zwiebrucken, Germany
Disney, Florida
Atlantic City, NJ

Four favorite foods:
Linguine and white clam sauce
Chocolate covered pretzels
Lasagne
Chicken Pot Pie (PA Dutch style!!!)

Four places I’d rather be:
at home with Stefanie
shopping with Stefanie
on the playground with Stefanie
anyplace with Stefanie

Four people to tag:
I don't know any ppl who haven't been tagged already!

Sorry - just a quick update

I had a sick sitter last Friday and had to wake Stefanie's godmother to stay with her while I ran to get my ovaries fondled. They are slightly enlarged but smooth, in other words...OK. My progesterone level was also good. I'm just in that 2 wk wait mode. It is really hard to be patient but I don't want to start testing just for the sake of testing. I will test with an early HPT tomorrow morning around 6 or 6:30am. That might even be too early if I am pregnant, so if it's negative, I'm not gonna freak. I will keep testing over the weekend since I got a 3-for-the-price-of-2 pack of tests.

If I get a positive result tomorrow morning, I think the whole world is gonna know. Well at least my closest friends and my Babycenter community will know.

T minus 20 hours and counting.......

Trigger Happy

I was approved to trigger ovulation Friday night!!! One last shot (for now) sounds great to me! IUI was done Sunday and Monday mornings. Much to my surprise, IUI hurts less than a PAP smear and took less time. I had to lay there for 10 minutes after the package was delivered (reading my latest Star Wars book). Wow! Talk about 'wham bam thank you maam'!!!

Even better news....the doctor is a big Star Wars fan too!!! The Force was definately with us Sunday morning. I could feel it. And bonus brownie points....the doctor did not know about the Easter Eggs on the DVD's, so I told him how to find them.

So now, I start taking (EVIL) Progesterone pills tomorrow, go back Friday to check my blood Progesterone level and for an ovary check, then have a blood pregnancy test on the 23rd. I know I won't be able to stand it that long. I wanna see that BFP home test before the doc tells me! I'll probably take one of the early home tests late next week.

This is definately nearing the peak of the roller coaster ride this cycle!

Quick update...

I started taking the Lupron injections on 12/21 and finished taking the BCP (thank GOD!!! because it was seriously giving me some hormone induced meltdowns) on 12/25. My bloodwork on 12/30 was all good so I started the Follistim injections on 12/30, twice daily, 300 units each, and reduced the Lupron to 5 units instead of 10. I had my first ultrasound 1/4 and I have 5 (yes, count them, 5!!) follicles developing. What a nice birthday present for me! Apparently 5 follicles is pretty darn good. My next ultrasound is 1/6 to monitor the number and growth of follicles. I'm hoping for the go ahead to trigger ovulation very soon!

Yet another obstacle

Not only did my estrogen not go down , it went WAY up - to 106. The infertility doctor doesn't know what's wrong with me that I'm so estrogen-challenged. I had 2 options: go on birth control for 3 weeks to lower my level (and lose this cycle) or take injections of Antigon to hopefully lower it. I took 4 injections then got re-tested. It didn't work. Just as well, since I broke out in hives after the 4th injection. So, back to the bcp choice and I lost this cycle. Sigh. Giving myself the injections turns out to be no big deal. I hate needles, but have baby fever worse than the needle phobia.

I will start the Luprolide injections on Dec 21, take the last BCP on the 25th, should finish this cycle around the 28th, then go for the usual ultrasound/bloodwork on the 30th.

Ya know, originally, this blog was supposed to be the place for me to write "my story" mostly about my time with my ex, but it's turned into a "what's happening now in my life". Hmmm.

Estrogen Estrogen Estrogen!

I was so excited yesterday because I thought I'd be starting my injectible infertility drugs today. But, no. My estrogen level is too HIGH! They couldn't do the IUI's because the level was too low and now I'm too high? It's all relative. When I was too low, I was at 70-something and then 96, but they wanted to see it over 200. Now it's at 52 and they want to see it below 50 before I can start the injections.

Now I'm just frustrated and feeling like an imcompetent woman again. Tomorrow morning I will get more blood work and hopefully it'll be a go to start injections tomorrow night.

Oh no! Not again!

Yes, again! My estrogen level is still WAY too low to do IUI this month. The 150mg Clomid only brought it up to 96 (from 70-something last month). They want it to be over 200 but would give IUI a shot if it were at least 150. There is only 3% of the population that responds to 200mg Clomid when they didn't respong to 150mg. It's rather pointless to hope that I'm in that 3%, so we are moving on to the injectible fertility drugs. I have to go for an injectibles instruction/education appointment next Tuesday. The only issue I have with the injectibles at this point is that they increase the chance of multiples. I really don't want to be having a litter of babies.

I feel so inadequate and incompetant, so incomplete, so let down and wiped out every month that I'm not pregnant. Thus is the cost of having waited so long......

Here we go again

So, today is day 10 of this cycle. I finished the 150 mg of Clomid on Sunday and start taking the ovulation predictor kits tomorrow. Here comes the emotional roller coaster again!

Trick or Treat!

We had the BEST time with trick or treat last night! Stefanie, dressed as Yoda, enjoyed running up the sidewalk to the few houses we visited. Better than anything, she loved handing out the candy. One of her new 'words' is h'go - her word for here ya go. Some of the kids got 2 treats as Stefanie was feeling generous to certain characters. There was only one incidence of her trying to take candy out of somebody's goody bag. Even if there were no trick-or-treaters at the moment, she was handing candy out to the sidewalk, and the marigolds, and the porch step. What a blessing this little girl is to our family!

My Little Pity Party

Nobody loves me
Everybody hates me
I'm gonna eat some worms.

The reason for my party....I had a positive ovulation predictor test Saturday which is supposed to mean inspermination the next day. I had to be at the doc's office at 6:30am Sunday for a blood test and to bring another sample from Steve. He could've come along but I didn't want to wake Stef that early. I had to wait 1-1/2 hours for the blood test results (took the opportunity and had a nap in the car). Turns out my estrogen level was way too low so they would not proceed with the insemination. Any eggs I will produce this month will be immature and would most likely result in miscarriage if fertilized. I will need a higher dose of clomid next month to give the eggs a chance to mature more.

So needless to say I was pretty upset about another month slipping away from us, another month we don't have to spare. I'm only getting closer to my 41st birthday. But when I got home and shared the bad news, instead of being understanding and supportive, Steve gave me attitude and we ended up having a huge argument all day long with lots of tears. (we don't raise our voices in arguments, so it was a quiet one) He was saying "so this is twice we've taken a sample over to them and run into problems. I'd rather just go back to the doctor in Hershey. blah blah blah"

I think, finally (after he apologized), I made him understand that I am SO much more comfortable with this doc than the Hershey doc. At least he has a local office open Mon-Thurs. Hershey is at least 30-45 minutes away. The main office in York for the doc I love is 30 minutes away, and the local office is 5 minutes from my job. I am the one who has to keep going in to get poked, prodded, blood tests, etc. He's never even MET this doctor. And I told him that these problems would still be there no matter WHO is telling us the news! In the midst of the argument I even told him I want to quit TTC altogether if we're just going to fight about the doc. (I think that's what got his attention).

Plus the issue of my mother came up again. We had planned on going to Lowe's and Walmart Sunday and mom wanted to tag along to Walmart to get a bookcase. How can it possibly take 3 freaking hours to go to Walmart, I'll never know, but it always seems to happen when she goes along. Well, Steve was installing a new faucet in our vanity and was having trouble with it leaking. When he started calling the faucet names, I decided Stef and I should just go to Walmart without him. My mother can be positively infuriating sometimes and Sunday was one of those days. She wanted this bookcase that I told her would not fit in the car with the babyseat in there. So she wanted Walmart to hold it for her til her sister could come pick it up in her truck. The idiot we were dealing with in the furniture department was no help, so I went to find someone with a red vest to help us. She told me to put it on layaway and pay all but a penny because they can't hold things for customers anymore. As I head back to the furniture dept, idiot is bringing the bookcase up to the customer service desk with mom's name written on the box. I told him what red vest told me and had him take it to layaway. Meanwhile, mom is no where to be seen. Idiot said she was heading toward the food section of the store. I searched the whole food section and still didn't find her so I decided screw it, I'm doing the shopping I came here to do.

Just as I'm looking at the shoes for Stef (in the back of the store), I'm being paged to meet my party at the front of the store. There's mom with a blue vest on the phone trying to figure out where idiot put the bookcase. Mom's paid for the thing and they were now going to hold it for her! GRRRR!! I told them idiot put it in layaway and left to finish my shopping.

Then of course, we had to stop at my aunt's house to give her the bookcase receipt so she can pick it up later. Well, mom tries to turn this into a visit instead of stop-off. The problem with that is...Stef has not had lunch yet and it's now 1:00, her usual nap time. I finally said 'Mom! I have to get Stef some food and a nap! Let's GO!' She says ok, but of course has to stop and look at my aunt's garden. 'MOM! Stef is hungry and tired!' Luckily I always have some banana cookies in the car, so Stef at least got a little something in her stomach.

So now, Steve is calling my cellphone saying he's going to my sister's to help get her air conditioners out of the windows. I said Cool, bring Stef a sandwich and I'll meet you there. BUT when I am dropping mom off, she says 'Wait and I'll get your Avon and the Avon for the ppl at your work'. Naturally the Avon is not bagged up. After waiting about 15 minutes, which seemed like an eternity listening to Stef whine and cry in the back seat, I was about to tell her I'd come back for it later, but now she's ready.

Fine! So now I feel like a horrible mother for missing Stef's lunch and naptime PLUS an inadequate woman that can't even make the appropriate amount of estrogen to release a good egg even while on clomid. And Steve gives me attitude again. He keeps making snide remarks to Stefanie about mommy not feeding her, etc. This is the beginning of the river of my tears. I simply cannot stop crying at this point. Anybody that I might have called for support would not understand a word I said thru all the sobbing anyway.

Well, he finally apologized and we talked it out calmly and made nice. I promised to try to keep the weekends just for us and he promised to try and be more supportive.

And yesterday I was just still feeling residual rotteness, hence the pity party.

God bless anybody who actually read all that crap, but it felt good just getting it out.

BTW, we talked this morning about still TTC and he still wants to try and says he guesses he's ok with this doctor. So, I shall not be going back on birth control.

I have to go get my ovaries fondled Thursday to check for any residual cysts and I guess that's when I can pick up my new stronger Rx for next months's clomid.

An interesting question

My sister, God love her, posed a thought provoking question earlier this week. While I was talking to her about my infertility issues, she asked if we'd discussed a 2nd baby with our primary caregivers (MIL and mom) to see if they thought they could handle two children. My answer.....ummmm not really. I know for a fact that my mom can't even handle Stefanie full time (one day a week plus a half day once in awhile is all mom does now). I keep hearing Gloria (MIL) say how much Stef wears her out. So I discussed it with Steve and asked him to talk to his mom about it. After all, it was totally unfair of us to just decide to try to have another baby without even discussing it with the sitters.

Steve talked to his mom last night while I was putting Stef to bed. His mother's response "Well, we'll give it a try" He had to laugh at her "It's not like we can put the baby back if it's not working out Mom!" She agreed that she can probably handle it, since Stefanie will be older and more helpful by the time any new baby could possibly show up.

I think Steve's big hope (and sort of mine too) is that he will pass his test for fulltime Kelloggs work which would enable me to be a stay-at-home-mom. I absolutely want to be a SAHM but I'm not sure that the cost of Steve's freedom is worth it. Once you work for Kelloggs, they basically own you. They pay handsomely for it but Steve is worried that he'd never be home if he goes fulltime there. Plus he's really happy (most days) at the job he currently holds. It's a really really tough position to be in. I figure God will have it work out the way it's supposed to. He simply won't let us get pregnant again if a second child would be too much for us, as a family, to handle. If we are blessed with another baby, we'll deal with the new situation as best we can, no matter who the primary caregiver is.

On a related side note, when I discussed the whole thing with Mom, I was telling her that we'd need an honest answer from both grandmothers about the possibility of a 2nd baby. Until then, she'd held her tongue about the whole issue (as is her way). I KNOW that when asked for her honest opinion, that's exactly what Mom will give. She admits that she can't handle Stef fulltime, but part time is ok so far. She also thinks we ought to quit while we're ahead. "Why tempt fate at your age? You have this one beautiful perfect sweet daughter. Why risk getting a down's baby?"

Good point, but Steve and I have already been thru all those discussions. We're mostly wanting a 2nd baby for Stefanie's sake, so that she'll have a close family member in her life. Because, at my age, I know we won't be around for her as long as younger parents will be. Plus I know Stef will be a fabulous big sister! It's hard to describe, but it just feels like we need one more baby to complete our family. And as dead set against any more as I was until this past February, for me to be longing for and desparately praying for another child, it must be true. I hope it's true.

Damn my sister for asking questions that make me think!!!

Infertility specialist

Two weeks ago, I met with the infertility specialist that came highly recommended by my neighbor and wonderful friend Shei'la. I just LOVE this man! He came and fetched me from the waiting room himself and spent 2 hours talking to and examining me. Because of my age, he's not going to fool around here. Next cycle I'll be on Clomid to help me ovulate. And since Clomid can thicken everything up, he will do intrauterine insemination to make sure only the strongest swimmers are in the pool. He will try that for 4 cycles, then move on to the next strongest fertility drug if I'm not pregnant by then. He claims a 25% success rate per month and is optimistic that I'll be pregnant by the 4th cycle (which would be January).

Steve was none too happy about the IUI but is willing to do whatever it takes. At the consult appt, Doc wanted to do another semenanalysis since it'd been 2 yrs since the last one. He also wanted to freeze some of the sample so as to take some of the pressure off Steve having to produce a sample on demand whenever I happen to ovulate. And there begins the small fiasco...

Doc had said we could drop off the sample in the Lancaster office (which is right on our way to work), just to make an appointment and make sure to mention that some is to be frozen. After Doc was finished with me, I went to the nurse for a blood test and some pamphlets, etc. Nothing else was ever said about the sample appointment.

When I called to make the appointment, I was informed that freezing is only done in the York office (which is about 35-45 minutes in the opposite direction from home). Well, beings that we're willing to do just about anything it takes to get pregnant again, I took the York appointment and figured we'd just have to figure a way to get the sample there. When I dropped off the sample this morning (making myself 15 minutes for work), I mentioned that Doc wanted some of it to be frozen. They got the lab manager to talk to me. She said "Oh. Freezing requires bloodwork to be done beforehand, an 8 page consent form to be filled out (in case something happened to Steve while they were still in possession of his sample), and a $175 (or whatever number she said) fee that insurance doesn't cover." I told her that there'd been some serious miscommunication on this issue; first about the location, now the fee, paperwork, and bloodwork. So, I made an executive decision and told them not to freeze any, to just do the analysis. AGH! If I'd known all that, we could've just dropped the sample in the Lancaster office in the first place!!!!!!! I guess I still love them even now that I know what I know. I will just have to ask more questions in the future. I just hate when somebody has me by the short and curlies.

So far, today is day 26 of this cycle. Soon I should be ready to start the next cycle.

Another one bites the dust

We've been trying to get pregnant again for 8, make that 9, months now. I was actually hopeful that this might be the month; the 2 yr anniversary of getting pregnant with Stefanie. I was 8 days late (on a 28 day cycle, which my body never follows). I took a home pregnancy test on Tuesday (negative) and again Thursday (another negative). I felt a wave of nausea on Wednesday evening, the kind that only comes from progesterone poisoning. I suppose it was just wishful nausea though. I had an emotional meltdown last night as I was putting Stefanie to bed. I suppose I knew in my heart that this was not the month. I had also been thinking about the saying that God does not give us more than we can handle. So maybe it's God's plan not to give us a second blessing because he knows I can't handle it? I hope it's just that now is not the time He has planned for us. I felt so ready to give up on this dream of having a second child.

We have the infertility doctor appointment set for Sept 13. I guess we can decide what we want to pursue after we see what Dr Filer has to say. We'd discussed adoption when we were having trouble conceiving before Stefanie. My dear friend next door has been on the adoption waiting list for 6 months now and told me they were to expect a 9month to 1year wait for an infant. I'm just not sure how I feel at this point, except incredibly sad and disappointed.

There is no need for further home pregnancy tests this month...good old Aunt Flo showed up this morning. At least I know now. That means I can go do the bloodwork tomorrow for the FSH and TSH.

How much crap can one person cram into one day? Ah, that's a whole Blog unto itself.

Recovery

My sweet Ellie Belly is doing much much better now. She was even trying to play with Precious and I hate to break it up, but don't want her to re-injure herself. I still give her doggy massages in the morning to loosen up those stiff muscles, but haven't given her any meds for the past 2 days. Thanks for everyone's concern!

DUH

OK - still learning how this thing works...here is Ellie's picture that was supposed to be included in the last post.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v373/terri65/100_0488.jpg

Ellie has a blown disc in her neck, just below where her collar rests. Apparently it's a common problem for dobermans. Her whole shoulder area is in massive spasm and there is a pinched nerve affecting her left front leg. Our wonderful vet, Margot says she should recover just fine with bed rest, limited activity for a few weeks, and lots of serious strong medicines. She's on Vicadin and Valium every 4-6 hours. So far, 4 hours seems to be too long for her stand it. Margot gave me permission to give her more meds as needed. Poor baby girl! The confusion she was experiencing was supposedly from the extreme pain, and not knowing where it was coming from or why she was having it.

She had a very rough night last night, probably from the car ride to and from the vet and from the examination. She awoke at 2 am for her scheduled dose, but woke me again less than 2 hrs later crying pretty hard. All I could think to do was massage her spasming shoulders, so that's what I did for the next 2-1/2 hours until the alarm clock went off. She seems more comfortable resting on the recliner rather than in her own bed, so I'll let her sleep there tonight if she wants. She'll probably want to be upstairs with the rest of the family though.

We are supposed to keep Stefanie and Precious away from Ellie until she's feeling better, to avoid any incidents of somebody hurting somebody else. Stefanie grabbed Ellie's back leg before I could get there. What a good girl! She didn't even growl. She just sort of moaned. I guess she could see that I was coming to her rescue.

Unfortunately, I know what kind of pain Ellie is in. I doubt I've had it that severely for quite some time, probably not since I first injured my back in 1990. It makes me feel all the more empathetic to my sweet Ellie Bean! We're all hoping she will be back to her old self very soon!

MIA

I've not dropped off the face of the earth....just needed an emotional break for a bit after getting all that Daddy stuff out.

Plus I'm busy stuffing envelopes for the charity I support (Doberman Pinscher Rescue of PA - www.dprpa.org ) And my older dobie, sweet Ellie Bean, Ellie Belly, Ellie Ellie Oxen Free!, is acting very strangely since Sunday. She's confused, doesn't walk in a straight line, puked Tuesday night, and is favoring her front left paw now. I'm so afraid she had a mini-stroke. Her appointment is tonight at 4. Hopefully it's just an inner ear infection. Update tomorrow I hope.

Daddy - The Final Chapter

I hadn't heard from nor tried to contact Daddy since July 04.

In February 05, my cousin, Donna (Mom's sister's daughter), died. She'd been a drug addict most of her life. It seemed to me that she was turning her life around late in 2004. Then she received a cash settlement for some traffic accident she'd been in. Now she had money. I guess the temptation was just too much for her. She and her common law husband got a hotel room and did a bunch of crystal meth. She locked herself in the bathroom and started mainlining it. He said he tried to revive her but she died on the way to the hospital. My poor aunt...this was her 2nd (and last) child she had to bury (the first was stillborn).

You're probably wondering where Daddy fits into this sadness.... There are still 4 cemetary plots in the family cemetary that are titled in joint name. My mom wanted to give one of these plots to my aunt for my cousin. Mom couldn't legally do this without Daddy's signature. So it fell to me to contact him about this. His phone number was disconnected. The email I sent him was returned as undeliverable. We drove past his trailer and it was empty. His car was no longer in the driveway. I got Mom to call that same cousin of his to see what they knew. They told Mom "Oh yes, they moved back to California a couple of months ago!" Well that just burns my bottom! Yet again, he moved and neglected to tell me. I am still supposed to get his phone number from his sister, my Aunt Jean, and call him about switching the plot deeds. I'm not calmed down enough to do that just yet. Besides Aunt Jean just had a battle with breast cancer. I don't want to start talking to her about Daddy while she's not feeling well. I really wish I didn't have to even contact him about the plot deeds. I just want to be SO DONE with him.

The End. (?)

Daddy - Part 3

Sometime in my 9th or 10th grade year of high school, Daddy and Barbara disappeared. Rumour had it that they'd moved to California. He didn't tell me, my sister, or my mom he was leaving. And of course then the pittens he was giving for child support stopped too. If we weren't struggling before that, we sure started struggling then! I had been babysitting for my dear friend Wendy since 7th grade, but now those earnings had to go towards buying my own school clothes and supplies and such.

We didn't hear from Daddy again until right before my graduation. He called and said he'd try to make it home for the ceremony. I knew by then not to hold my breath for that event! I got a few more phone calls from him sporadically over the next 3 or 4 years. Then I joined the Air Force (not to follow in his footsteps) and still heard from him sporadically at best. I was almost always the one to initiate contact.

When I called to tell him I had orders to Panama, he suddenly tried to act like he's my dad or something. He kept trying to tell me I wasn't going to like it in Panama. I said "Ya know what? You don't know that!" We chitty-chatted the rest of the phone call and I didn't hear from him again until he came home to visit my Grandma (his mom) in 1997. I took my neice Sarah to see him - this was the first time he'd ever even acknowledged Sarah, who was 5 at the time. He and Barbara were cooking dinner for Grandma the next night and invited me over to join them. I told them I could come but not til after 6 pm since I worked til 5 in the city. That was fine at the time. The next night, I called as soon as I got home, around 5:50 and they said, "Oh, we've already eaten. Dinner is over." Well! HMPH!

He moved again, in 1999 I think, and I got the birthday card I'd sent him returned by the Post Office. So I didn't hear from him again until Grandma died in February of 2000 and he came home for the funeral. They gave us a wedding gift (we got married in 1998), took us out to dinner, and promised to try harder to keep in touch. We got an Easter card (who sends Easter cards??), then nothing again! I pretty much gave up on him at this point.

Then in the summer of 2002, I saw my Aunt Jean (daddy's sister) at a yard sale. She said he'd moved again and said for me to call her for the new address. I said I'd wait until I had news to tell him to get the address (we were trying to get pregnant at that point).

We did get pregnant finally in August 2003, but I really had no ambition to contact him again. Then in September 2003, my mom ran into a cousin of Daddy's (also a friend of hers) who told her that Daddy was now back in Lancaster County! The phone number the cousin shared with me was incorrect. The cousin told Daddy that I was trying to contact him and gave him my phone number. Still, I heard nothing..... Then the new phone books came out and I looked him up. There he was, plain as day...Ken and Barbara Bailey. The address listed shocked me. I practically drove past his house every day on my way to work!!! Eventually I got up the nerve to call him. I told him I had heard he was back in town and saw his phone number in the new book and wanted to call to share some news with him. He said "I thought you already knew I was back for a couple months now?" (insert eye-roll here) I said "Yes, but Tom gave me the wrong phone number and I had to wait for the phone book to come out to find you" (mentally screaming "why the flock didn't you call ME you SOB???") Anyway, I told him we'd moved into a 4 bedroom house (he last saw us when we had a 3 bedroom townhouse). He wanted to know what we needed with all that room? I said "Well one of the rooms is going to have to be a nursery soon because we're having a baby - you're second grandchild" He said "That's nice, but aren't you almost 40?" (mentally screaming "you should flocking well KNOW how old I am you SOB!!") I said sweetly "Yes, I'm 39 now and will be 40 when the baby is born". Chitty chatty chitty chatty, blah blah blah. I had 2 or 3 other phone calls from him during my pregnancy. I called him 2 or 3 times too. Things seemed to be going ok.

In May, when Stefanie was born, Daddy came to see us in the hospital. There was a tear in his eye when I handed her to him and said "Here ya go Pappy". He just looked at her for the longest time. Barbara kept saying how she wished they lived closer so she could just spoil Stefanie rotten (she doesn't drive) and how much she misses her great-granddaughter in California (they'd been babysitting her before they came back here). She was just gushing.....

And then the silence returned. I called and left 4 or 5 messages and emailed Daddy twice about Stefanie's Christening Ceremony in July. Nothing... No acknowledgement, no "sorry but we're waxing our floor that day", nothing. I didn't even try again for months.

more next time....

Daddy - Part 2 (miniature version)

The first day of eighth grade was positively humilitating for me but I didn't know it until a weeks later. I went to the wrong homeroom (an error on the list posted in the lobby) and this girl Terry Baker said in a sly, mocking tone "Your dad is Ken Bailey, isn't he? I know him" Turns out, her mother was "the other woman", Barbara. Terry continued to torture me throughout that school year, threatening to beat me up if I didn't stop walking past her house on my way home from school, etc etc. On a side note, I was quite shocked about 7 years ago to run into Terry and see that she actually turned out to be a decently nice person.

A Long Time Ago - Daddy, part 1

So many people who've heard my "story" tell me I should write a book. So maybe this is the beginning of that project. It'll probably be all kinds of out-of-order but I have to write it down as things come to me.

My daddy is an emotionally unavailable selfish lost soul. He was raised by his single mother with his 2 half-sisters, with no male roll-model in his life. He told me stories of his childhood...things like sleeping on the playground in the summer, then stealing milk from people's milk boxes (way back when they still did home delivery). He joined the Air Force as an aircraft electrician. He was ORDERED to write a letter to my grandma after she contacted his first sgt. complaining that she'd not heard a peep from him since he enlisted. He wrote "Dear Mom. I am fine. Signed, Ken" or something to that effect.

When he came home from the Air Force, he met and married my mom. She got pregnant with my brother, Kenny, within a year or so of being married. My brother died at the age of 6 weeks from viral pneumonia. Personally I think my dad checked out, emotionally, from our family at his death. After 2 more years of trying, I was born, then my sister about 2 yrs later. At least daddy made some sort of a feeble attempt to be my dad. He didn't even try with my sister.

He was a milkman (ironic, huh?). The running joke was always that we are the milkman's kids. He would get up and go to work around 3 am, come home and sleep til supper, eat, then go up to the firehouse, where he was a volunteer fireman, and hang out. Sometime after we'd be in bed, he'd come home and sleep again til it was time for work. Saturday's were our best bet of seeing him, but most of the time, he was working a parttime job, or helping some buddy, or hanging at the fire house. Sunday's were reserved strictly for golfing.

The only real emotion I ever saw from my daddy was when my maternal grandmother died in 1974. He picked us up from school on our way home for lunch and his voice cracked when he told us the news that she'd died in her sleep.

In 1978, he left us for another woman... Barbara. I tried to like her, really I did. It's just not possible!

Time to go! more on Daddy next time....