MTFBWY!!

YAY!!!!! The original Star Wars trilogy was released on DVD yesterday. Okay, they've been released on DVD at least once before, but this is a special edition. They include the original theatrical versions! The have all the pre-enhanced scenes with what we would consider cheesy & obvious special effects by today's standards. Don't get me wrong. I LOVE the enhanced versions, but it's nice to see the original versions too - just the way I saw them in the theaters the first time around. Now I just need to block out approximately 6 hours of time to sit & watch them! Haha

I'm trying, really I am

to not let MIL get on my last nerve too badly. Steve is ready to fire her & take money out of his IRA to finance Stef going to daycare. I've convinced him for now to leave it alone. I'll still do the research. I know it would break her heart if we did that. I think we should give diplomacy a try first. It's a precarious situation. We're afraid to say too much for fear of hurting her feelings, but she's just not listening to us anymore.

Case in point
1) she gave Stef a handful of M&M's even though she hadn't gone potty. Then Stef asked for more, so, of course, she gave her more. Umm Hello! It won't work for potty prizes if she gets them whenever she asks for them!

2) For about the 6th time (no exaggeration), she told me yesterday that since Stef had eaten such a good lunch, she gave her a cookie. She's been trying hard to limit that kind of snacks because she thinks Stef gets too much junk. Steve said he's heard the exact same line at least 3 or 4 times from her too. Okay! Who started the whole cookie thing?!? Not us!! Why do you have to tell us 6 times each. It's starting to feel like an insuation that WE give her too much junk food.

3) Calling daycares behind our backs = not appreciated!

4) In discussions about Stef needing to play with other kids, saying that she WON'T give Stef up more than 2 days a week just feels a bit, shall we say, demanding & controlling.

I know there's more, but that's just the main things we're bugged about right now. Steve even actually suspects that when MIL says she can't get Stef to nap it's that she's not really trying very hard. I disagree with that because sometimes I can't get her to nap and neither can my mom. That would just be stupid and counterproductive on MIL's part to do that because she'd also be doing it to herself as well as to Stef. Sorry Steve. I know you're right on most things, but I just can't buy that theory.

I personally don't want to fire her. It would break her heart. But I do want to sit down & have a talk so she knows how we're feeling and what our expectations are. I know my sister had to sit down with my mom about Sarah every 9 months or so to straighten things out. That's the downside of having family as babysitters.

The OTHER Gymboree

Sorry for the confusion. I didn't know Gymboree was a clothing line until I came to BBC. LOL

http://www.gymboreeclasses.com/b2c/customer/home.jsp

That terrible day.

I can't help but think about it. What I was doing, where I was when I heard the news five years ago.

Steve was on a temporary layoff from Tyco, so he was home. I had just gotten another allergy shot & got to the office around 9:15am. There was a note on my desk "Call Steve. A plane hit the twin towers" I still don't know who left me the note. My first thought was "what a stupid accident". One of the girls walked past the window & I asked if she knew about the plane. She said "yes, but now it's 2" I logged into the computer & called Steve. We had MSNBC live feed in a small corner of our computer screens at the time. I wasn't in the habit of watching it, so it took a few minutes to come up. I remember 2 clients came to the window, and I was the one to give them the news. I talked to Steve for a little while, for comfort mostly. I hung up and tried to start sorting the mail. Just as the first tower started to collapse, we lost the MSNBC feed. Nobody was up here but me, but I started saying "OMG, what was that? what was that?" I had to call Steve again.

An email came out to close the whole complex. So I put things away, made a sign for the doors, locked up the mail, locked up the office, and started driving home. I was still shaking. Along Rte 30, my 95 Saturn started acting funny. I knew this feeling because it had done it before. Another alternator just went out. I pulled off into the Giant parking lot, called Steve, called AAA, and sat & listened to the news reports on the radio. We dropped off the car at the dealer, but they were closing anyway, like most businesses. We went home & started watching the news again.

Our friend Ed stopped by unannounced (as usual). He said he couldn't watch the news any more so we watched a DVD - I think it was What Women Want. After he finally left, we went back to staring at the news. I was afraid to not watch for several weeks after.

New Gymboree soon

In my search for something for Stef to do with other kids, I found out that we're getting a brand new Gymboree at the end of this month. They will have open house the 28th, 29th, & 30th - with all classes being free. I talked to the contact person and am pretty excited about it for Stef. I think it's just what she needs. The price is a little ouchy though - $52/month for one class a week ($13/class). At least the registration fee is waived if you sign up before Sept 19. I'm still trying to find out more about 2 other places and a MOPS group.

I may have to break down & take a muscle relaxant tonight. The spasm in my trapezious (?) just won't let go. It made it really hard to sleep last night. I just hate how I feel the next day - hate that drug hangover. I'd make a terrible junkie. LOL

Me & my big mouth

At my semi-annual VA appointment last week, I told the doc that my family doctor had increased my dosage of Prozac. I only told him because I can get the Rx from the VA cheaper than thru my own insurance. Doc dutifully changed my Rx and I received the pills in the mail yesterday. I had a message on the answering machine Friday from the VA wanting me to call them in follow up to my recent appointment. So I finally called today. All this because my Prozac was increased! They want me to do a 15 minute phone questionaire to track my progress with the Happy Pills, see how I do on the increase, and make sure I'm okay. OI!

So the 'me & my big mouth' part is because I answered all the questions honestly. Honest to a fault - that's what Steve says about me. I admitted that I'd had suicidal thoughts within the past year, but I really feel that they were chemically induced from infertility treatments. Among a host of other admissions, this one raises a flag. Now I have to talk to a VA counselor on the phone! Shit shit shit. I really don't feel like getting into the whole infertility issue with some stranger from the VA! Maybe I'll just say that when he/she calls.

MIL pissed me off right & good this morning. She's still going on about Stef being bored and needing some playmates her own age. I agree to an extent. So MIL says she's been calling around to daycares for prices, etc. She's thinking a few hours a day for 2 days a week. Well SURPRISE! Daycares don't usually offer such limited hours. The one church daycare she checked with offers part time care - 3 full days/wk - $80/day! I agree that Stef should be able to play with other kids, but what's wrong with taking her to the playground? Why does it have to be a daycare? Not that I have anything against daycares or anything. It's just the way she presents these things to me and once she gets on something, she's like a pitbull and won't let it go. It really bugs me that she's already been making phone calls. I'm thinking there's got to be some mommy & me playgroups around here somewhere! Time for me to do some research.

So sad

I'm very sad about the death of Steve Irwin aka The Croc Hunter. I really admired his commitment to his ideals, his enthusiasm in learning & educating, and his awesome spirit. I'm less than thrilled with Matt Lauer's insinuations in his interview with Jeff Corwin & Steve's friend. Matt has made it pretty clear that he can't stand Steve ever since the incident with Steve feeding a croc while holding his infant son.

I'm just glad he died doing what he loved. God bless your soul Steve.

GTG

That's military lingo for good to go! My 2nd FSH was 5.5, so we're clear to proceed. Steve's appt is this Wednesday. Our Consent Forms appt, where they explain everything in fine detail is Sept 26 10am. Then I will go back on the injections and the transfer should take place in November.

I should know by now...

to not believe things Nurse Sue tells me. She told me on Tuesday that they'd call me later that day or Wednesday with my 2nd test results. Since I hadn't heard, I called the York office yesterday. Anita checked with Melanie. Apparently the lab only runs those tests on Fridays. I had some misinformation from Sue last time I started down this path. She reminds me of my dad's woman. Why pretend when you know you don't know?

This evening is my (former) office manager's thank you party. I can't go. Steve is on call & MIL wants to leave as soon as I get there so she can deliver the high chair she just sold. Just as well. I don't feel like sitting around in a smoky bar anyway. That reminds me, I'm supposed to give $5 towards his gift. Better start digging thru the change in the bottom of my purse. Payday isn't until tomorrow and I'm still a paycheck to paycheck budgeter.

MIL stopped up last night to get the high chair back from us (we tried to sell it for her in the yard sale). I thought she was gonna pass out when Stef went down the 2 steps from our porch to the driveway. Then she was all beside herself because Stef was *gasp* running! Sigh. I love my MIL. I love my MIL. I love my MIL. I'm not the type of mother who puts her kid in a plastic bubble but MIL certainly is.

Cheatin hearts

I remembered to weigh in this morning. I'm back up 1 lb (net -4 lbs). I know I cheated too much last week. Between my second trip to Harvey's, weekend waffles (I save my points all week so I can have them Saturday, but ate them Sunday too), a full sugar Barq's, and the occaisonal popping of Dibs, I'm just happy to not be back to square one! Today is a new day. Back on track and being a good girl now!

My first blood test results are good:
Estradiol 37 (should be <50)
FSH 6.5 (should be <10)

They will call me later today or tomorrow with today's test results.

Koren's phone call

It's a BOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dreading tomorrow

Our community yard sale is tomorrow. I am about 70% ready for it. I dread it though because Steve is on call and has to open up the pool in the morning....leaving me to deal with the whole thing by myself. He should still be able to help set up in the morning because he won't have to leave until around 9:30am.

It wouldn't be so bad, but I really think I'm going to need help with Stefanie. If left to her own devices, she'll be pulling all the clothes and things out of the boxes and off the tables and hording them in the corner. I can hear it now "Steffy's shirt. Steffy's toy. Steffy's pants. MINE!" Ugh! I'd better call Sarah and see if she'd be willing to come up and help.

Then right after the yard sale is Steve's mandatory-voluntary pool party at work. Nice how they made up a new word, huh? The whole thing about the new guy not having to work on the pool at all is just plain WRONG! I don't get it why they would ask him if he wants to work on the pool? Of course he said No. They act like he's the company owner's favorite nephew or something. They act afraid of him. I hope they soon see that favortism like that just breeds resentment in the rest of the staff.

Fluke?

I hope not. I weighed in Monday morning and was down 1 lb. I ate Harvey's Cajun Sausage & funnel cake at the fair Monday night. On a whim, I weighed in again Wednesday (mostly to see how much damage Harvey had caused) and I was down 4 more lbs!!! I also just finished AF for the month, so that probably has more to do with it than anything. Either way, I'll take it! Five down, 45 more to go.

How well do you know me?

Here's a fun quiz game. Take my quiz, then make your own & post the link in your blog

http://www02.quizyourfriends.com/quizpage.php?quizname=060821133416-446906

Doc update

I just got back.

We have to do another Clomid challenge and Semenalysis since it's been over 6 months since the last one (which blows this cycle).

Luckily today was CD3 so they took my blood today, the I go on Clomid Wed-Sun (100mg) then another blood test next Tuesday CD10. If my egg reserve falls within the acceptable parameters, we'll sign consent forms and prepare for the next cycle.

Steve appt to deposit his sample isn't until Sept 6th.

Speaking of my wonderful sweet man, there is some kind of confusion about the Kellogg's testing. The lady at the testing service told him this morning that today's test is only for ppl who haven't taken the test yet but he should be able to take it at the next testing which should be really soon. What they don't know is that Steve knows 2 other casuals who also got letters to test today and who have also not had their reviews yet. So if these other casuals are allowed to test today, he's going to lodge a greivance with the union. blah blah blah

Tickets please....

I'm getting back on the roller coaster. Steve & I have decided to do at least one round of IVF. I have a restart appointment tomorrow morning at 10am with the RE. I should know more after that tomorrow. Wish me luck and may the Force be with us.

Steffyisms

I need to start writing down some of the super cute things Stef says lately.

She's started saying Amen after her prayer doll says it.
Mr Rogers is pronounced Merochers.
Grammy is Gammy
Kenobi (a friend's cat) is K'oobi
I love you is ALoffoo (although I've only heard it 3 or 4 times, it melts my heart)
Precious is Sheshy
I've had to teach her that cars will bite her to keep her from running into the street at my mom's house. So now she says Car Bite.

That's all I can think of right now.

What a good girl!

Stef ran up and jumped on my back while I was sitting on the floor with her last night. It feels like she fixed that joint problem. I was able to move much better the rest of the evening and then the muscle relaxant pill did the rest. Oh boy did I pass out from that pill!! I could barely get up this morning. But my back feels much better today; just stiff.

Potty Training Hiatus

They say that when the babies are learing something new that they can regress on something else they already had mastered or were working on.

Stef's vocabulary has just exploded recently. Some of her motor skills are getting so much better (things like running, climbing, and threading beads on a string). I'm thinking potty training has taken a back seat for her. Everytime I ask her if she has to go, she says No. If I ask her to try anyway, maybe get a prize, she gets really whiney and insistent with her No. I don't want to stress her out about it, so we're taking a break.

My left lower trapezious (sp?) is in a huge spasm. The joint in there (rib to spine maybe??) keeps popping out. So far, not too badly, but enough to get the muscle in a protective uproar. If it goes out really badly, it feels like I can't breath. It's a good thing I'm going to the VA doctor later this month, if for nothing else than to get it documented.

Inspired

I love it when a project idea just jumps up and hits me right in the nose! Three of my yaya's are meeting up with Stef and me in October. We were discussing putting the babies in costumes and what theme we should go with. In looking thru pattern websites, the girls in poodle skirts just jumped off the page at me. My nephew can be The Fonz and the 3 girls can be 50's girls. I bought the fabric for all 3 skirts, poodles, and scarf/hair ties last night. I'm so excited about this. They are all going to be adorable!!!

Got most of the list done

Ok, well, part of it anyway. I went to yardsales but only spent $1. We got such a late start because Stef decided to sleep in. I guess all the good stuff sold early. I made one sundress and it's cute cute cute. The pix are still in my camera, but someday I'll upload them to share. I got the grocery shopping done and the kitchen redded up. No computer work got done and no floors were vaccuumed or swiffered. Was that the whole list? Hmm I did better than I'd thought.

Sunday at Shawn's (Stef's godfather) birthday was a really nice time. We were late but didn't miss the birthday boy's arrival. He was truly surprised and touched. He was even more touched when I explained my mom's gift to him. She gave him my grandfather's cello and trumpet. Both needed to be cleaned up and the cello needed a bit of work, but mom & my aunt both felt the instruments needed to be with someone who would appreciate them and use them, rather than just cherish and store them. Shawn is the same type of person as my grandfather was; passionately into all sorts of music. My grandfather was in a swing band in the 40's, but also founded and conducted the Columbia Symphony Orchestra. He was choir director of his church for many many year and also loved jazz and big band music. Shawn is in a Christian band that covers all sorts of styles from rock to country to raggae. He has his own music studio at his house and has mentored several young people in musical endeavors. He is a sweetheart of a man and I'm glad he is Stef's godfather.

Funny coincidence....my mom found a picture in the Sunday News of a band that had most of the names listed. My great-grandfather is in this picture! Joe Sipel is sitting there with his trumpet on his knee and judging by the apparent age, I'm guessing the picture is from around 1912. What a musical family I come from! Too bad it skipped me. I love music but can't play or sing worth a crap.

I realized last night that I forgot to take my happy pills Saturday and Sunday nights. The only reason I realized this is because I had a major emotional meltdown. I went thru the usual self-deprecating tapes....I'm fat and infertile, the budget is a mess because of me, I don't express my devotion to Steve well enough, and my MIL is basically raising our daughter because we can't afford for me to be a SAHM. It turned into the ugly cry that Oprah talks about. Speaking of Oprah, I need to actually fill in the blanks and work on the plan for the Oprah Debt Diet. My aunt and her roommate are sponsoring me on WW now too. Her roommate is apparently the Food Nazi! Exactly what I need. Plus one of my co-workers still has her WW books and says she'll do it with me. It's easier when you can do it with someone.

See? I have all the tools I need, but I just have a hard time bringing myself to actually use them.

Ahhhhh

The a/c unit on the roof for my area had a burn out. The wonderful dude from Neffsville Plumbing fixed it and it's nice in here again!!

Steve is working a 16 hr shift at Kelloggs tomorrow so I might go yardsaling with my mom. I always make GRAND PLANS for when I have a day like that. I hope I can get at least half done. I plan to get the grocery shopping done, update our budget program, cancel our wmconnect account, cancel our peoplepc account, make a sundress or 2 for Stef, maybe go swimming, and redd up (clean) the house.

Then Sunday is Stef's godfather's 40th surprise birthday party. That should be fun! They have a beautiful home and I always love spending time with them.

MIL is on vacation next week. We will be dog sitting her boxer, Daisy until next Sunday (I think) and it's challenging but not a huge deal to me. Ellie and Daisy don't get along so we just have to keep them separated. Daisy wants a shot at the title and Ellie wouldn't mind taking her on. My money would be on Ellie for sure even though she's 10 yrs old. But we don't want to see that happen.

Steve gets to be home with Stef Mon-Wed next week. Then my mom will likely have her Thur & Fri. I'll call Sarah in for reinforcements if mom isn't up to 2 days in a row.

Still no A/C!!

I brought Steve's little electronic temperature checker thingy. It was 87 in here this morning! So I complained to the new office manager. He's apparently not a handy guy like the old one was. I'm pretty sure the problem is with the wrong vents being opened or closed. I know Kevin adjusted them for me before, but he's on vacation this week and Dave doesn't want to climb up there and have a look. And of course the plumbing/heating dude is swamped today so he won't even be here to look at it until tomorrow! Luckily my little heater has a fan only setting.

If I can survive 3 yrs in Panama, where the weather is pretty much like this day in and day out, I can survive this. I'm just not acclomated to it anymore.

FIL is home from the hospital now. I don't know any other details yet since Steve is the one that talked to him.

So far so good

FIL made it through the surgery last night. They didn't even cut him open; just went up the uretha (YIKES!) and removed the tumor that way. There should be no more pee'ing blood since it was all coming from the tumor. They've sent it off for biopsy and will let him know when they find the results.

Apparently, one of my co-workers' father started his decline with bladder cancer. She says that if you have to have cancer, that's the best one to have. The walls of the bladder are so thick that the cancer does not usually spread easily to other organs. Unfortunately for her father, they did not follow up with chemo, as per standard procedures, and his cancer spread and killed him.

The A/C in my office is screwy on the best of days. With this nasty heat wave, it's been quite warm in the mornings and then freezing cold in the afternoons, to the point of having to turn it off for about an hour to warm up. Well today, it's a freaking oven in here. The thermostat says 78 degrees, but that's on the other side of the glass window, out in the lobby. I'd say it's at least 85 in my office. They said they were going to ck it out, but so far it doesn't feel any better in here. I don't mind the heat as much as most people (mom says I have piss for blood) but this is ridiculous.

Bad news and Good news

First the bad news: If you are so inclined, please say a prayer for Steve's dad. He has a tumor in his bladder. When he had it checked out last month, they said they're pretty sure it's malignant. He was scheduled to go back this Thursday, then go for surgery on the 10th. He didn't make it that long. His girlfriend called last night to let us know he's in the hospital. He was pee'ing blood and they've scheduled him for immediate surgery. She's supposed to call one of us today to let us know how he's doing.

Now the good news: Steve got his Kellogg's testing date!!!! It's August 22. This weekend is supposed to be a mandatory work weekend and the lady in charge of hiring full-timers said they will be watching him work in leiu of him having a formal review (which is required before taking the test). His supervisor has told him before that they like Steve's work, so that part should be cake. He just needs to work like he always works. The test will be the rough part. It's an aptitude test and Steve just isn't a great test taker. He knows what he's doing, but doesn't do well on written tests. We've agreed that if he gets hired fulltime that I'll keep working for at least 6 months, maybe a year, so that we can get financially comfortable before I become a SAHM. WooHoo! I can hardly wait!

Sleepless in PA

I haven't been sleeping well. It starts with my restless legs preventing me from getting to sleep. Then my back aches or my shoulder hurts or my hand goes numb and wakes me up. I finally took an Ambien Saturday night so I could get some good rest. It knocked me out quickly and gave me some deep sleep that I'd been needing. Sometime during the night, I awoke to Stef laying in my bed next to me, poking my face and whispering "mommy" to me. I vaguely remember taking her to her own bed and sleeping with her for some amount of time. It was getting light when I woke up again and went back to my own bed. I just find it funny that she was there with me for who knows how long, and then she decided it was time for mommy to wake up and pay attention. She's such a doll baby!

Things I like about me

I don't know if you meant me Elisa, but it's a good blog topic:

-I like my hair. It's full bodied and wavy and a nice color.

-I love my eyes. They're even greener than my mom's eyes.

-I like my sense of humor, even if it's a litte off kilter sometimes.

-I like my commitment factor. When I commit to something or someone, I do so wholeheartedly, even to my own detriment sometimes.

-I like my cute little button-ish nose and am glad Stef inherited it from me.

Free half day

My office manager granted all the support staff a free half day of personal time for the summer. Other bigger offices' support staff get every other Friday off but we just can't handle that. The half day is great! I'm leaving at noon today and going home to install my DSL modem and do some sewing. If I have time, I'll do some more yard clean up work too. Yay for boss man!!!!

Mama Bear Claws

I am so mad at my sister-in-law that I don't think it would be wise for me to even attempt speaking to her for several months. I'm really pretty darned sure that she coached her two daughters (ages 7&9) to ignore Stefanie. The last time they were together was about a month ago at Grandpop's house. SIL wasn't along for that trip and the girls all played together very nicely. This past Sunday, we were all together before the circus that Grandpop was taking us to and not only did SIL completely ignore Stef, but the girls did too. They didn't even say Hi to her. At one point, the girls were playing the "hand sandwich" game and Stef very timidly tried to be included, putting her little hands at the edge of the table they were playing on. Instead of adding Stef's hands to the pile, they moved their game further away where Stef couldn't reach. The hurt look in Stef's eyes was too much for me. I know it's just the first of many hurts she will have but I really had hoped she wouldn't have to worry about being hurt like that by her own family. What a bitch! Steve told me that while I was in the bathroom with Stef, one of the girls asked "So, we're all Jones's here?" Her mother said "Yes. Daddy and Uncle Steve and Grandpop are all Jones's . You two are Jones's. I'm a Jones by marriage. And Aunt Terri and Stefanie are Jones's by marriage". WTF!?! Stef is only a Jones by marriage??? (last names changed to protect against google searches)

I've been stewing about this for 3 days now. My sister has helped me get over it with the following: Wow, what a bitch. It must suck to be that miserable all the time. It's GOT to suck to be her and she has to be with herself 24/7.

On to a more serious note: My FIL had a toumour in his bladder checked out yesterday. The doc is pretty sure it's malignent. He has to go back next month for more tests and another surgery. He's pretty upset (understandably) and could use all the extra prayers he can get. More on that as I know more.

zzzzzzzzzzzz

If I don't get to go to bed at a decent hour tonight (and by that I mean 9 or 9:30pm) I'm gonna turn into a permanent zombie. Steve's union at Kellogg's got some new free benefits and the dude came over last night to go over it all and get our signatures. The appt was for 8:30, but Steve didn't get there til 8:40 or 8:45. The appt was only supposed to last 20-25 minutes. It was almost 11 stinking oclock til dude left! Then we still had to get the trash together for trash night and clean up the supper dishes. This truly is a full moon week. I'll be under my desk napping in case anybody is looking for me this afternoon.

We interrupt this history lesson for the following current news

I don't have the energy right now to finish the BIL story but have things to share, so he'll just have to wait.

Steve was on call this weekend, which means he has to get up and go open the pool weekend mornings, then go close it again every night. While he was off doing that Saturday morning, I cleaned up the house. It's not clean by some people's standards, but I at least got all the floors vac'd & mopped, and the kitchen counters cleaned. The carpet dude came to fix the seam that was coming up. When Steve got home, we all ate lunch, then he had to run for an emergency call. So Stef & I went to the backyard and worked/played. She was in the baby pool and the sand table while I finished laying the pavers we bought LAST spring to extend our patio. No grass grows there anyway, so we may as well make it a usable space. It felt really really good to get that project as done as it can be until we buy more pavers. The patio looks better already.

We knew that my neice Sarah was singing with Shawn's band Freznel Lenz later that night so we hurried supper and got ready to go. Nobody seemed to know for sure if it started at 7 or 7:30, so we planned on 7. We had to go pick up my mom to bring her along. On the way, I called Von to confirm the start time (she was at the location by then) but it was 7:30! Crap! That meant we would have to go back and get the Vue and drive separately so Steve could leave to close the pool at 8. It all worked out well anyway. He didn't miss any of Sarah's performances. She only sings 3 songs with them for now.

Well Sarah was magnificent! What a voice! Even Steve commented about how well she'd done. We all really enjoyed the whole concert. Stef had refused her nap that day so I was worried how she'd behave, but she was totally into the music, dancing & running around. Couldn't have been better!

When Sarah went up for her 2nd & 3rd songs in the second set, Stef was calling for her like she didn't see her leave "Howsh? Howsh?" (we have no idea how Sarah became Howsh but that's what Stef calls her) I got Stef to follow my finger and she finally saw that Sarah was up on the stage. "Howsh!!! Howsh!!!" So I took her up closer to the stage. She just danced her little heart out thru both songs. Sarah even waved to her at one point but almost lost her place in the song, so didn't do that again. It was just SO darned cute! Sarah has her first groupie!!!

Shawn commented that Sarah performed better then than she had the previous 2 gigs. I know my grandfather is smiling down from Heaven seeing how Sarah's talent is developing, especially with this Christian rock band for now.

So it was great Saturday! Except.....Steve noticed water in the basement floor before we went to the concert. The less-than-6-yr-old water heater is rusted out and leaking slowly all over the basement! Sunovahutt!!! Sunday started out the same with him going to open the pool then going to buy a new water heater. I was lazy and just sat around with Stef and read the Sunday newspaper. I should have started the laundry but at least I got my shower before he came back and shut off the water. Steve has never worked with gas before but was assured that it was a pretty easy swap/install. In getting the old one out, he saw that the nipples were unable to be reused, so he had to run out and get new ones, along with some other pipes & stuff, most of which can now be returned. Meanwhile he had another emergency call. Stef was working on a 3-1/2 hr nap. I was doing some trimming in the yard. Finally at 6pm I woke Stef up so she'd go to sleep that night. I helped where I could in the basement, cleaned up water when I couldn't help, and chased Stef up and down the stairs too many times to count. I got her fed & to bed late (like 9:30pm) then came back down to see if we had hot water yet. No. But at least it's all hooked up so we have cold water again. Steve couldn't figure out why the burner wasn't coming on. He checked with a co-worker and apparently we need 3" exhause pipes instead of the 2" pipes from the old water heater. Okay, easy enough to do, but meanwhile I have a dishwasher full and 4 loads of laundry waiting, not to mention Stef's bath & Steve's shower.

We finally went to bed around 11:30pm but just then, a storm hit. Of course the thunder woke Stef and I had to go comfort her for about 45 minutes. At 12:15 I finally hit my own pillow but couldn't close my eyes! I know better than to drink coke with caffeine after lunch time but ignored that rule then paid for it for about another 2 hours of sleeplessness. So I'm really tired today, but still have to go for groceries & hopefully get some laundry & dishes done tonight. Ugh.

BIL continued...

Some things happened between Bill and MIL before I was involved with Steve - something about SIL's birthday party; MIL and George wanted to go down and take a cake and take them out to supper but SIL doesn't like to celebrate her birthday; I dunno, the story never made sense to me. Then when their first DD was born in Sept 97, MIL went to stay with them for a few days to help out. MIL insisted that the baby was cold, but SIL insisted that just a onesie was enough. The baby ended up coming down with pneumonia a few months later. Personally, I don't think it was related the amount of clothes the baby was wearing, but I also believe in swaddling. Whatever. There were more hard feelings about that and other similar small incidents.

Meanwhile MIL and her sister were not getting along. Her sister actually grabbed MIL's hand and bent her fingers back as far as she could. She also clawed MIL's thigh under the table. All this was in a restaurant while having lunch with their mother & aunt! Gee, how old is she?? Anyway, it turned ugly (they're still not on speaking terms today). Bill is partial to his aunt over his mother and MIL knows this. Since things were very ugly with them at the time of DD's christening, MIL thought it would be best not to attend since she knew her sister would be there. Apparently there was no right answer to this problem because Bill was very angry at MIL for not coming but also said he wouldn't tolerate MIL and her sister fighting, which MIL was sure her sister was going to attack her again, at which George was likely to defend MIL and escalate everything.

In trying to explain why she decided not to go to the christening & why George was so upset with MIL's sister, MIL tried to have Bill put himself in George's shoes and said "Well, how would you feel if somebody attacked Andrea like that?" Well, Bill took that the wrong way and started yelling at MIL "Don't you dare threaten my wife! How dare you! I can't believe you just said that! I don't want to talk to you anymore!" etc etc.

After a cooling off period, MIL reached out to Bill again. They all agreed to go to counseling to try and work things out. That turned into a George-bashing session. After Bill & Steve graduated & left home, George quit the police force and started a series of self-employed ventures that were highly successful in the beginning, then ended up going bankrupt, always someone else's fault. Bill took that tidbit and ran with it. He insisted that George either get a real job or MIL leave him, saying it just wasn't right that MIL still had to work at her age. He had a point, but I don't feel that he had the right to put demands on his mom like that. None of his business in my opinion. At MIL's inquiry about the next counseling session, Bill told her that he doesn't have time for this crap;he has his own family to think about now. And they didn't speak for several years.

no time

Sorry - no time to update today. Leaving early to testify before the magistrate about the purse snatching. If it's over early, I'll be back and update then.

BIL history/update

Steve and I met in 1997. The first time I met his brother Bill, we realized that we used to work together at my first job. I was in the office and he was in shipping. He'd sometimes give me a ride to work if I was walking (usually in the rain or snow). I remember saying something mean to him right before I left that job. I'd asked him how was ScoobyDoo, since he looked SO much like Shaggy. He didn't find it amusing. Whatever. I was a 19 yr old know-it-all-brat at the time. It was 2 lifetimes ago.

When Steve & I announced our engagement, Bill tried to talk Steve out of it - because he remembers me from that first job and I was too bossy. (Hello Kettle!) Originally, he had agreed to be Steve's best man (like Steve was for him just a little over a year earlier) but about 2 months before the wedding, backed out. He didn't think we should get married at all. Luckily, Steve had just re-connected with a good buddy who stepped up to the plate. BTW, Steve's new best man and both his groomsmen wanted to go to Maryland and kick Bill's ass for the way he was acting.

Bill, being the marital expert that he is, stopped speaking to Steve for 3 or 4 years. Never mind that Steve had been driving to MD almost every weekend to support and console him after his first wife left him for some internet fling. Never mind that Steve would drop everything to run down to MD to fix his brother's water heater, shower, commode, etc whenever he called. Never mind that Steve was Bill's best man, regardles of his thoughts on the appropriateness of the relationship, in March 97, then celebrated with this new family in Sept 97, when Steve's neice was born. Mr Highandmighty Holierthanthou knew what was right for his brother's happiness. More likely, he didn't like that Steve was no longer available for his beckoned call.

Out of the blue one year, on Steve's birthday, Bill called to wish him a happy one. He acted like nothing had ever happened. Steve accepted the attempt and has sort of reconnected with his brother. To this day, that big white elephant is still sitting in the middle of the room. Nobody wants to bring up the subject. Well, I want to, but won't out of respect for Steve. They broke relations one more time and reconnected again. Now there are 2 big white elephants in the room.

Anyway, Bill also has issues with their mom. She divorced their dad when Steve was only 3 yrs old. If she hadn't, she'd probably be a domestic violence statistic today. I love his dad, but the 2 of them are like gas and fire together. Not good. MIL remarried in 77 to a policeman named George. By this time, Bill must have felt like he was the man of the family at the ripe old age of 15. We think he must have resented having a new man in his mom's life and being told what he could and could not do. There was friction, to say the least.

I'll go ahead and post this now and finish tomorrow - just so my ya ya's have something to read....

So sorry I missed it

My 14 yr old neice Sarah has been taking voice lessons for about a year or 2 now I think. She has such an awesome natural talent, but the lessons are refining that for her. For the summer, Stef's godfather Shawn is letting Sarah sing with his Christian rock band so she can get some stage experience. She sang 2 songs with them Friday night at The Coffee House in Hershey and again at a church event Saturday. The first time she started singing Friday night, Shawn's jaw actually dropped (and some of the other guy's jaws too) They'd heard her during practice but she totally wow'd them all during the performance. I'm so proud of her! I sent our camcorder along with my sister to capture Saturday's gig. I'm so so sorry I couldn't attend either (or both) shows. I need to check the website for their schedule. www.livemusicisbest.com

Potty training update: Friday 40% success, Saturday 50% success, Sunday 100% success, so far today 0% but it's early.

Sunday was very interesting but requires background info for it to make sense, so I'll save that story for a little later.

Steve and I both got summons to appear before the magistrate as defense witnesses in the purse-snatching. yippee. Wednesday at 1:30 is the preliminary hearing. Luckily for me, I get full pay for witness duty. It sounds like they're going to make Steve take personal time to go, so he's likely to just take the whole day off. Jokingly, he said to me "see what happens when you get involved??!!??" It's a pain, but it was still the right thing to do.

100% Success

Stef had no potty accidents at all yesterday. MIL was on my nerves, but that's her job. Either way, end result was 100% success. This was the 4th or 5th day she woke up completely bone dry too. She'd been waking up just barely damp for awhile before that. Apparently Stef just expects the potty prizes from me now and doesn't expect any from grandma. Whatever works. It just hurt a bit to hear that she can do it "better" than me. I know in my head that it's not better, just different. But it still hurts in my heart. Goes back to the same old hurt of not being a SAHM for Stef.

Apparently I do the discipline "better". Grandma was all beside herself about Stef pulling and pinching and hurting her boxer Daisy. She felt that transgression deserves a swat on the butt, but knows we don't really agree with hitting. I told her (though she didn't do it) to just separate them when Stef is doing that to poor Daisy (who, btw, just stands there and takes it with grace). I demonstrated the effectiveness of this technique last night while we were there for dinner. Grandma just doesn't get that it doesn't have to be punishment. Time out is just meant to de-fuse the situation and stop the behavior. It worked great for me. And to my surprise, in the middle of her 2nd timeout last night, Stef looked at me panic-stricken and said her first real full sentence "I gotta go potty!" So we rushed over to the bathroom and she continued her winning streak!!!

Visited places

http://www.world66.com/myworld66/visitedStates/statemap?visited=ALAZCTDCDEFLILINLAMDMAMSNHNJNMNYOHPASCTXVA">
> your own visited states map or check out these Google Hacks.

Thanks Linda & Elisa for this idea.

Progress on potty training

Bribery seems to be the key for Stef. Since I started giving her Potty Prizes (aka M&M's), she's been much more consistent. She called me just a little while ago to tell me "Poopoo potty"!!!!!!!! Yippeeeeeeee! I said she should get a whole handful of Potty Prizes for that one (as opposed to the 3 she gets for peepee). She told Grandma that she needed to potty, then came out and told her poopoo!

We just needed to find the right motivation.

SUPER Steve

What a Father's Day we had!!!! We had a great weekend all the way around, but Sunday was SUPER. Steve's dad stopped in on his way home from visiting Bill and the girls in MD. Apparently Ashley's birthday party was Saturday. We weren't invited, no surprise there though. Anyway, we took Grandpop out for lunch at Carlos & Charlies. Stef was really well behaved for the majority of the meal; just started acting up towards the end because she was tired of sitting and was really ready for her nap.

After naptime, we went to my mom's to re-fix her ceiling fan and tighten up some garden hose connections that were leaking. My brother Glenn visited for a while. It was really nice to see him - he works alot so I rarely see him of late. Stef is still terrified of him. Granted, he is a pretty scary looking biker dude, but LOVES little kids. He tried but Stef just wouldn't make up to him.

Next we went for our grocery run. It was getting pretty late, but Stef had taken a 3-1/2 hour nap so I wasn't too worried about keeping her up past bedtime. Steve let me drive the VUE because I hardly ever get to drive it and it's fun. As we were looking for a parking spot at the Giant in Centerville, I saw some punk kid on a bicycle snatch a lady's purse out of her shopping cart and take off. She started yelling and another guy in the parking lot started chasing the punk, but he was on a bike and too fast for either person on foot. BUT! I was in the VUE. I told Steve what I'd seen and we both said "Let's go".

We followed the punk around the back of the store and lost sight of him momentarily, but then Steve spotted him behind a trailer. He hollered at the punk and I sped over to where Steve had seen him. The punk took off again, this time off the back of the pavement into a corn field which hadn't been planted this year yet. There was a really big ditch between the pavement and the cornfield. And that's where the punk was trying to hide and go through the lady's purse. Steve jumped out of the VUE and yelled at the punk "What the fuck is your problem?!?!?" The kid was just shoving something in his pocket. Steve grabbed the purse back from him and gathered up the rest of the stuff that had been dumped on the ground. The punk had evidently fallen and cut himself on his bike or something because there was blood all over the purse. Steve could tell he was bleeding and decided not the beat the crap outta him. And he said he reminded Steve of Screech from Saved by the Bell.

If Stef hadn't been in the vehicle with us, I'd have gotten out and grabbed him up by his scruff and dragged him over to apologize to the lady, but I have different priorities now. The kid got back on his bike and took off again. He went back out to the front side of the store, exited the parking lot, and headed north on Centerville Rd. The other guy that gave chase had lent his cell to the lady to call the police and she was still on with them when we brought her purse back to her. The only thing she could find missing was a $10 bill. And there was a bunch more blood on a plastic baggie that she carried her Nicorette gum in. Probably a REALLY good thing that SHE didn't get her hands on the punk as she'd just quit smoking a few days before.

When the policeman showed up, he took our statements and told us they think they had apprehended the individual up around the corner on Marietta Ave. Since Steve and the lady were the only ones that had gotten a good look at his face, they were asked to drive up with the policeman and identify the punk. It was definately him!

The lady kept telling Stefanie that her daddy is a hero. I think so too! I'm so proud of him!! And I'm humbled to be part of our Dynamic Duo. It may not have been the smartest thing to do, but it was the RIGHT thing to do.

And he didn't even want me to tell anybody. HA! I told him fat chance of that! I'm going to brag on him from here to there and back again. (of course his mom is proud of him too but was worried and scared that he could've been hurt, but that's ok, it's her job).

Plus I want to warn people of this type of theft. Don't leave your purse in the shopping cart (or buggy for our Southern friends) while you load the groceries in the car!

Father's Day

Happy Father's Day to all the great dads out there. And to my Godfather, for being a great substitute daddy to me.

I'm trying really really hard not to think about my own dad this weekend. Best to just concentrate on how truly wonderful of a daddy Steve is to Stefanie. We are so blessed. Happy Father's Day Love!

Scared to poop?

I'm starting to think Stef is afraid to poop in the potty. She was sitting there this morning as I was reading GoDogGo to her (this is her sitting on the potty book). I could tell she was straining. She kept looking in the potty every few seconds. Finally I saw a little turd in there. As soon as she saw that, she was FINISHED even though I knew she still had to go some more. There was no talking her into sitting back down. Ten minutes later her pull-up was full. She had a bit of a regression over the weekend too. I'm really starting to think she'd do much better just wearing regular panties all day long, but MIL doesn't want her pee'ing on her carpet, so that's out M-Th at least. It's really hard on the weekends too, because that's when we have to do all our running and I really don't want her to pee in the car seat. I almost feel like I need to try another potty training vacation. Sigh

My head is gonna explode

...and all the numbers are just gonna come spilling out! And it's not gonna be pretty! These mortgage people are giving me a serious headache. After spending my entire lunch hour (and then some) plus 45 minutes after work (plus about 30 minutes during work - shhhhh) talking to these people, I just couldn't look at it or think about it anymore last night. I looked at it this morning and compared the choices and we're going with a home equity loan from Wachovia. That will free up about $250 a month in the budget. That will offer some breathing room for increasing gas prices and pizza once in a while, plus adding extra payments to the last credit card standing.

I have lived much much leaner than this in my lifetime. I remember having to pawn stuff just to get $10 or $20 for chicken leg quarters. Even leaner - there was a time I only had $20 a week for groceries. Of course groceries were alot cheaper back then, but still.

Re-fi land

On a whim I clicked on a popup for refinancing mortgages. It was for lowermybills.com or something close to that. I got matched up with 5 different lenders. The one from QuickenLoans was very pushy at first, but he seems to have the best program and is working the hardest for us, so that's who we decided to go with. I wish I could've talked more with the Wachovia person. They had practically no closing costs in their program. It was too good to be true though and I wanted to ask more questions but she's out of the office til Wed or Thurs. So Quicken it is. I really need to get rid of these credit card bills. They're sucking us dry. Then, we need to put all our credit cards in the freezer in a block of ice. We have too much impulse buying going on. It's time to behave and live within our means again.

I pouted all morning Saturday. I felt so bad for allowing us to get into this situation (since I'm the one who handles the budget, it falls in my lap). Then I decided to get busy doing something about it. It's a bit overwhelming though - gathering all this info and getting it faxed over to Quicken. It's a good thing I'm a good multi-tasker.

Random pictures

Stef's funny face

fell asleep on the recliner

grown from a slip off my grandmother's rose

our house


the red hot pokers are finally blooming again

crazy rose bush

back yard

Sitter situation resolved

Well, mostly, anyway. What it boils down to is that MIL needs to mind her own business and not worry about us having to find a sitter if she's not scheduled to have Stef. If my mom is sick, then it's mine and Steve's responsibility find someone. That being said, I really do have to find a reliable back up for when my mom is sick. I can't keep asking my cousin to stay up all day when she works nights. I've asked my Godmother and she's willing to help if she has nothing else planned. I should still find a daycare with drop in service though in case she's busy on a day that mom's sick. I cringe at the thought of the only one I've found so far. It's very close to our house, but $60 a day is steep. I'll keep looking.

BooBoo

Steve called me yesterday to tell me he got his tetanus shot. I was thinking it was because of the rip up his arm from catching it on a rusty screen door handle. But NO! He cut the tip of his finger off. There was a razor blade sticking up in his tool bag and it got him when he reached in to get a tool. Imagine a stack of 2 dimes - that's what is missing from his right forefinger. He never did find the missing piece. At first he just put bandaids on it but kept bleeding through so he wrapped it in a paper towel and they sent him to hospital thinking he might need stitches. There's nothing there to stitch, so they bandaged it up really well, gave him a tetanus shot, some vicadan, and the Z-pack antibiotic. It's just going to have grow skin back on it's own. The paperwork they sent home with him said it could take up to 6 weeks! Yuck yuck yuck! The thought of the whole thing just makes me queasy. I'd never have been able to be a nurse!

Update on MIL working vs babysitting Stef.....Steve mentioned to her that I was looking at some daycares and it scared the living crap outta her. She called me Saturday to say she just doesn't know what she'd do if she wasn't taking care of Lil Munchkin and wanted to know what we are going to do. I said we are going to act on whatever she tells us she wants to do but she has to tell us. I also asked how much it would cost us to keep her fulltime. She doesn't know what she wants to do and even when she decides, she'll second guess her decision til the day she dies. It's really hard sometimes, working with the human waffle. Anyway, we're invited to dinner with her tonight (mac & cheese & fish - YUMMMMM) and I guess we'll talk more then.

What I really need to find is just reliable drop-in service for when my mom gets sick. She'll be more than happy to take Stef 2 days a week as long as she's healthy. I've found out that the daycare at ParkCity Mall takes drop-ins. I haven't called yet though. Guess I should do that before dinner tonight.

SO incredibly upset

It's not like I hadn't been considering the idea myself because of hints being dropped and my mom's health not holding steady. MIL called me this morning on my way to the office to say she really needs to work at least 2 days during the week and can we consider putting Stef in part time daycare, maybe with a church group or something. The thing is, we only pay $10/day right now. I called one daycare that accepts drop-ins: $60/day (plus a $75 application fee). Holy sheep shit! I'm sure the pricing would be different for fulltime or parttime care, but it just gripes me to no end.

After all the fussing and fighting and crying and cojoling she did to get to be THE babysitter, now she keeps backing out on us. First it was Fridays that she isn't keeping Stef. Now she wants another day. I can understand needing to work more, but Sith Spawn!

Of course it's left to me to do all the leg work and research and calling around and budget re-configuring. Something is going to have to go. Maybe more than one something. (I'm not talking about the dogs here)

Maybe I'll call the mortgage lady and see about re-financing or getting a 2nd. Maybe my head will just explode and I'll feel better then.

Sunovahutt!

Back to the grind

I'm finally back at work after a 10 day break/vacation. I have lots to share but also lots of work to get caught up on.

Here's the reader's digest version:

Stef is about 85% potty trained now. She was doing really really well, but then went on strike Thursday and Friday. Back on track now.

We had a great time visiting the Philly Zoo. And Stef and I had a fabulous week together!

Our neighborhood yard sale is this Saturday. I'm anxious to clean the spaces being taken up by all the baby stuff and collect some cash for it all, but it's bitter sweet. I don't really want to be getting rid of any of these things. Sigh.

More later in the week as time permits (go figure! they actually expect me to do some WORK in exchange for use of their high speed interenet connection!)

Problem solved

My 18 yr old cousin is coming to watch Stef tomorrow. Whew!

2 year checkup

Last night was Stef's 2 yr checkup. She got to stand on the "big girl scale" and use the "big girl heighth measuring thingy". She was not impressed. But then again, she refused her nap but fell asleep in the car on the way to the doctor, which always makes for a very grumpy Stef.

She weighs 28 lbs and is 33" (which will make her 5'6" fully grown if that theory holds true). She's developing wonderfully, normal in all aspects. The development sheet they gave us says she should be saying I, ME, and YOU, which she doesn't, but it'll come in time. She should have at least 50 clear words in her vocabulary. She has well over 50 words I'm sure, but I didn't actually sit and count them. We're supposed to go off the whole milk and toddler toothpaste now. The doc was impressed with her progress in potty training. Next week is my vacation week to do intensive potty training with her.

My mother-in-law was very frustrated with Stef's potty training yesterday. She kept refusing to keep her pull ups on. Everytime she tried to put pants on the child, she'd run screaming "potty potty". Put her on the potty and nothing. Later she pee'd on the carpet, pee'd on the floor, and pooped on the floor (right next to the potty!!) Agh! I think Stef was just full of herself yesterday. My little Miss Independence.

Crap Crap Crap! Now my mom just called. She's sick and won't be able to watch Stef tomorrow. I can't take off work because my niece is supposed to career shadow me tomorrow, plus I have all next week off. My sister is busy, Wendy can't take off, Von is working. The last hope I can think of is Megan. I left her a voice mail. I know she's working at a Wendy's but don't know her schedule. I hope she calls me back really soon! I have one other thought but I don't think Steve would be comfortable with it. We shall see.

Funny little girl

Stef was with me in the bathroom yesterday morning as I was getting ready for work. She grabbed me and pushed to make me turn around. She was saying "Tail? Tail?" She's looking for my tail!!! I tried to explain to her that people don't have tails. Grandma says she's been looking at all her babies and animals trying to find the tails too.

For about the past 2 wks, Stef has been saying Omi (German for grandma) for my mom. Well actually she's been saying something more like Aaah-mi. All the sudden Sunday afternoon, she starts calling her Emmo (her word for Elmo)! Omi was not very amused (on the outside anyway. on the inside I think she thinks it's hilarious). She kept asking Stef "Do I look like I'm red and furry?" I just had to say "Well Mom, you did have your hair dyed red not too long ago" :) She's gone back to calling her Aaah-mi, so now Omi wonders if Stef was making a joke? Can they do that this young?

Party party party

Stef's birthday party was GREAT! We all had lots of fun. Here are some pictures.

The cakes I made:

Daddy pushing Stef in her favorite present:

Having fun with the game leftovers:

eating some cupcakes:

her 4th cupcake!!

Another Prozac day

I finally admitted to myself yesterday that my Prozac needs to be adjusted. I haven't felt quite like myself for about 5 weeks now. I've been either short tempered or on the verge of tears and getting upset over stupid inconsequential things. Five weeks ago would be about when we decided to give up trying to conceive and I expected to feel down from that. I was giving it some time to see if I would get over it, if it was just a situational temporary depression. Five weeks later, it's not better. And the kicker that made me the call the doc was that my new boss called me Terrisa to a co-worker and I was gonna jump down his throat! Not a smart move for a no-big-deal offense. Wake up call!

So the doc approved increasing me from 40mg to 60mg and if that doesn't work I need to call them in about 2 weeks.

On the potty training front...Stef made poopoo for me today. She kept saying poopoo (as I'm getting us ready to get out the door of course) so I sat her down on the potty. She had a little poo in her diaper but she kept pushing and saying poopoo. Nothing happened so she got up and was running around the kitchen diaperless. I had to take the messed diaper up to the diaper pail and get a fresh pull up for her. When I came back downstairs, there she is, squatting under the table. She got SO excited to tell me she made a poopoo (on my kitchen floor!!) so I couldn't possibly be mad at her. She's too cute to get mad at her anyway. ;)

Almost ready

I only have about a dozen details to settle for Stef's 24 month birthday party now. Lets see...

Cover the puzzles (printed out from the web) in plastic and cut pieces apart
Draw a face on the last Shovel and Pail
Make one more Handy Dandy Notebook and put it and the last 2 already made together.
Order the food Friday for pickup Sunday.
Make bean bags for the game.
Make the cakes/cupcakes.
Buy the last few things like napkins, small plates, hamburger, Manwich, condiments.
Make hamburg BBQ.

Okay, so that's only 8 things. I must be missing something.

And I got a phone call this morning that Stef made poopoo in the potty!!!!!!!!!!!! She made peepee 3 times yesterday! I think she's gonna be a thankfully easy train. (knock wood)

Why doth she vex me so?

My mother-in-law was jumping up and down on my last nerve yesterday. I'm trying really really hard to just let it go. It's not that important. Honestly though, I have enough trouble maintaining my self-esteem. I sure don't need help from her in tearing it down further.

Serenity now!!!!!

We might not make it....

to my vacation week of May 22, scheduled with the intention of intensive potty training.

I say we might not make it because Stef made peepee in the potty last night!! She asked to go. I didn't believe her but she insisted so I sat her down. And she filled it with peepee!!!!! Stood up and said peepee in a different tone of voice like she was saying "see mom mom?!? told ya so!"

Freaking hilarious! What a great baby! Yes I still say baby. She's not turning 2 this Sunday. She's turning 24 months. As long as I can still say months, she's still a baby. Right? LOL

Stef's not helping

Baby girl was so happy and pleasant this morning...until I tried to put her shoes and jacket on. Then she knew we were about to pack up in the car and go to her Grandma's house. She started fussing and whining and complained about a non-existent booboo the whole way in the car. She's usually quite happy to stay with Gra-Ma and Daiseeey. But today, she didn't want to get out of the car seat and kept reaching for me to hold her and didn't want to take off her coat. I know she was okay as soon as I left but it just breaks my heart into little bitty pieces when she acts like that at drop off time.

Now I'm feeling so utterly sad that I can hardly concentrate here at work.

What a dumb ass

Would you believe....

I bought a new HP printer last night on sale at Staples. The dude even asked me if I need a printer cable. I said "No, I have one. I'm replacing a dead printer" Well, apparently printer cables have changed from the big fat P&J type to the nice little USB type since I bought my last printer. So, the new printer is set up, but I still couldn't make Stef's invitations because I don't have a USB cable. I have some USB lines with some other connection of the other side, but not one with USB on both ends. There is NO way I'm going to buy the USB at Staples now. I'll be going to Office Max where the sales people have no idea how dumb I am. Gee, if all else fails, read the directions on the box.

Depressed again?

I don't know. I was very emotional all day yesterday for no good reason. Both down and angry intermittently.

Stress? Probably.

Hormones? Maybe.

Do my meds need adjusted? I won't visit that with a doctor unless this lasts more than a week or so.

It might be that the planets were aligned in a bad way for capricorns because Steve was in a mood yesterday too. Thankfully, he understands when I say my nerves are on edge, he gets extra helpful. I was on the verge of a meltdown as we went to bed last night but he rescued me.

I have so many things to do right now and no time, it seems to do them. Stef's birthday is less than 2 weeks away now and I STILL haven't made the party invitations. My printer is dead. It has a carriage stall, which could be serviced at the Best Buy in Harrisburg (not conveniently located for me). Or I could trade it in on a refurbished HP printer (no thank you).

I should have had time to go buy a new one yesterday, but that didn't end up working out. We fixed my mom's electrical issues and finished his mom's phone line installation that he couldn't finish Saturday night (we needed more parts and it was late and we were all too tired by then). I got groceries while he finished the phone line thing. Laundry is still not finished. I usually get most of the laundry done on Sundays, but one or 2 loads have been spilling over into the week lately. I didn't vacuum at all or swiffer the kitchen. I didn't check with the grocery store on prices of the party platters for Stef's birthday.

It stresses me out that we only have the weekends to get all this crap done and then that's also when people want help from one or both of us. It doesn't help that Steve sleeps til 10-ish most weekends. I hate to say he can't do that. He works hard during the week and especially the weekend after he gives up the beeper, he needs to catch up on his rest. It just crams everything into the afternoons, and usually screws up Stef's nap time.

AND, I'm pretty sure she's ready to start potty training and have no real idea where to begin. I was thinking of taking a week off work to do the intensive every-30-minutes plan. The vacation schedule is looking pretty full at the time I wanted to take off. Sigh, at least my mother-in-law is offering to "work together" on the potty training now. When it was first mentioned, she said "I'll let you handle that" Whatever. I'd rather be the one to handle it and all aspects of raising my daughter, but that's not in my future any time soon.

Somebody please take this pity pot away from me!!!!!

Take responsiblity PLEASE!

Why are some people such prima donas that they can't take responsibility for their own actions??? Why do they feel the need to blame me for something that is NOT MY FAULT or MY RESPONSIBILITY???

One of my co-workers is trying to blame me for his personal tax return being late now. His accountant called yesterday and told him they'd be dropping off his tax return here at the office. His assistant gave him this message and he freely admits to remembering having gotten said message. The accountant dropped off the taxes with me yesterday, sometime in the midst of the craziness of the last day of tax season. I put the envelope in his mail box, per procedure, just like I always put all their stuff in all their mail boxes, regardless of delivery method.

He didn't check his mail box AT ALL yesterday. Or the day before for that matter. Yet now it's my fault that his taxes are going to filed late, since he just found them in his mailbox today. He tried to say I should have called him since they hand delivered them. I'm sorry, but, not my job! I was SO pissed that it made me cry. But all is well. My office manager has my back. He told me that he'll tell this co-worker in a few days what his decision on the matter is. There is no way the office (aka me) will be paying the late filing penalty for his mistake. His taxes are HIS responsibility to make sure they are filed on time, regardless of what anybody else does with them. The accountant isn't responsible, this office sure isn't responsible, and it sure as HELL isn't my responsibility.

Okay, vent over.

Pictures!!

mmm cupcakes

cupcake face

finger painting with yogurt on our window

Tax time is a bitch

I'm really really busy at work and haven't found time to blog lately. I'm doing reasonably ok, not crying every day anymore. We got a nice swingset for Stefanie on Sunday which she LOVES. She calls it her WEEEEEE since that what she says the whole time on the swing.

One of my co-workers said some things that had me bawling my eyes out yesterday. I'm still upset about it. Stupid inconsiderate jerk. I know he meant no harm. He's clueless. But it still stings. I should go buy him a little plastic shovel. He just kept digging himself in deeper and deeper. I wanted to yell at him "Shut up shuttin up rabbit!"

Officially finished

Steve and I had our talk about continuing to try for baby #2 last night. I KNEW he didn't understand what all was involved in egg donation. He's definately not into that. I told him that's pretty much our only hope besides lots more prayers. He still thinks that if he does his homework more often, I'll get pregnant. I'm certainly not going to discourage his homework goals, but if there is no good egg to hook up with, he can do homework all day every day and it won't get me pregnant.

So, no more medical intervention, no more shots, no more pills. If it happens it will happen naturally due to even more prayers. I'm just glad to have actually come to a decision so I know where we stand. I'm okay with having our family complete as is (most of the time). It's really hard to see pregnant women and little babies right now. But that will get better in time too.

If it's God's will, I'll get pregnant unexpectedly, just like our miracle baby Stefanie.

Aaaaaahhhhhh!

I just had Monday and Tuesday off to spread the mulch on the gardens. I ran out btw, could've used one more scoop. I SO needed those 2 days and all the physical work that filled them. It was a great stress buster. I feel SO much better now.

Plus Steve and I are still thinking about maybe doing egg donation. We just really need to sit down and have a good talk about it. I'm not sure that he fully understands what it involves and what it all means.

Stef and I had such a great time the past 2 days too. We played outside Monday. Yesterday, we made cupcakes. (white cake with white icing so we could color them) She had the best time mixing the food coloring into the cake mix and icing. Later, I was in the living room and I hear Stef in the kitchen saying "Mmmmm. Mmmmmm. Mmmm" She was dipping her finger in the icing of the cupcake nearest the edge of the counter. She is hilarious! Cracks me up everyday.

Monday, she made an artistic masterpiece that I hated to get rid of. She fingerpainted with yogurt on the living room window. Boy was she angry when I cut her off at the pass as she headed to the window with her yogurt cup on Tuesday.

I just don't get it!

How can any parent just wipe their children from their mind?

I've seen evidence that my dad may be back in town again. Without telling me, AGAIN. When he and his woman were here last time, their car had a license plate frame that had Ken & Barb on the top, and his last name on the bottom (not typing so it's not Google-able by him). When they went back to California without telling me (but telling his cousin), I would assume they either took their car with them, or sold it and flew out. Either way, I've seen this same license plate frame in my home town again, twice, in the same area on a big black SUV.

If he sold the car, and then the buyer traded it in on this SUV, why would this new owner keep the frame with someone else's name on it??? I think he's back and living in an apartment on Locust Street (not the best neighborhood in town).

I am SO finished with him. But I need to get the cemetary plots straightened out, and his name is on the deed jointly with Mom's. Or I could just forget he exists too, and wait for him to die. Then the deed will convert to either Mom or my sister and I, depending on if Mom is still with us when he goes. AGH! What a jerk!

We're finished.

Steve and I talked this morning. I needed time to pray about this and hear the answer in my heart. He's in agreement. We're finished trying for a second baby. No egg donor. No adoption. We're happy with our little family.

I still need time to get over these feelings. My feeling now is that the baby fever was not put in my heart by God and it's just not meant to be. I can't help but feel like I've let Steve and Stefanie down. Like a failure as a woman. Please don't tell me not to feel like this. I feel it and I need to finish feeling it.

We really wanted Stef to have a sibling. We each have one sibling and wanted her to have that close sharing bond growing up. We also wanted her to have someone after we're gone. She can never say we didn't try.

Just as I suspected

I'm not pregnant.

All FRED's say no

All the First Response Early Detection home pregnancy tests I took (Fri, Sat, and Sun) were negative...glaringly white negatives. I hold little hope that today's blood test will be otherwise. My gut feeling is that my ass is a pincushion all for naught. Now that the possibility is really looming, I'm not so sure how I feel about the egg donation idea. Steve and I need to really talk about it tonight if today's news is what I think it is.

Finally Friday

The home pregancy test was a big fat glaringly white negative today. But I have to remind myself that I'm only 11 days past ovulation, which is still way early. I will keep testing over the weekend, mostly so Steve will be there to share the positive if we get one. And if I keep getting negatives, it helps prepare me for a possible negative blood test Monday.

I actually dreamed last night that I got a positive home test. Wishful thinking or a good sign? We shall see.

I'm just about convinced that Stefanie was my last good egg and egg donation is the way God wants us to go. I keep hearing about it now lately, and never really heard about it before. Let's cross that bridge if need be.

Tick tock tick tock

The 2 week wait is always hard, but this cycle's 2ww is killing me! I want to know if I'm pregnant, and I want to know NOW! Testing before Friday would just be pissing money away though. Is it Friday yet?

Poor Stefanie. She has a sinus infection. I feel so bad that she's taking after me in that department. She's on amoxycillan. Steve and I are both allergic to penicillin and he and his mom are both freaked about Stef taking a drug in the same family. I checked with the pediatrician's office and they said just to watch for a rash, especially since that's the reaction both of us have to pcn. A reaction will typically show within the first 2 or 3 doses.

Is it Friday yet?

What a great weekend!

Except for Steve having to work a 12 hour shift Saturday, we had one of the best weekends in ages. The weather was SO nice Saturday. Stefanie and I played on the playground, then did some work in the back yard. She's such a little helper. She had a great nap, although it was interrupted by some kid ringing the doorbell (which drives the dogs into a barking frenzy) - something about collecting money for the Heart Association. I would normally have been happy to donate, but it pissed me off that they woke Stef too early from her nap. Sweet baby that she is, she was still pleasant the rest of the day anyway.

I took care of the grocery shopping, started the laundry, and vaccuumed upstairs and downstairs. It just felt great that I did most of the weekend crap on Saturday so we wouldn't have to deal with it Sunday PLUS had some great play time with Stef.

Sunday, we went to the record show. Stef was surprisingly tolerant of standing around looking at music for much longer than I expected. We took some comfort food to Steve's mom, as she's now got the chest flu that we all had. Also took her some medicine. She actually called off work all weekend and she's taking today as a sick day from watching Stef too. That's cool because my mom is actually feeling pretty well lately (I think it's because the weather is getting nice again and the sun's been shining a lot).

Only a week to go til the last blood test. I'll be taking a HPT Friday. Walmart was sold out of Equate brand, which I hear has the lowest sensitivity level, so I'm stuck with FRED again this month. I can't wait to see that 2nd pink line!!!

Sick of feeling sick (maybe TMI for some people)

After barely recovering from the stupid bronchitis, now my house has been battling the stomach flu. I started with it on Tuesday;just didn't feel quite right all day. Steve had been home sick with his bout of the chest cold so I made him a big batch of chicken pot pie. SO not fair! I couldn't even eat any of it!!! While I was rolling out the dough, I begged him to take over with the cooking because I was either going to puke or pass out. I felt better when I sat down and rested, but as soon as he brought me my plate of pot pie I ran for the bathroom.

Poor Stefanie. She cried because I left the room without. She could tell something was wrong. She talked daddy into letting her come out of the living room and promptly opened the bathroom door and started stroking my hair (and trying to look in the toilet to see what was so interesting in there that mommy was studying it so closely). I couldn't even put her to bed without running to the bathroom every 10-15 minutes. Poor baby. She finally was tired enough that 10 minutes did it for her. I spent the rest of the night (until 3am anyway) sitting on the toilet and hurling into the trash can. There was NOTHING left, yet I couldn't stop heaving. I spent Wednesday in bed. That's 3 sick incidents just this year! Totally not normal for me.

Stef only threw up once before I got her up Wednesday then seemed fine. We started her on the clear liquids diet and moved on up to light solids by the end of the day with no problems. So Thursday, my mother-in-law put her back on her regular menu. Eggs and toast for breakfast. But then she wouldn't eat anything the rest of the day. Apparently it was because her breakfast was still sitting in her tummy all day long. As I was putting her to bed, she burped a VERY wet burp. She let out 4 or 5 heaves and I was covered in eggs, toast, water, and juice. Lovely. I surprised myself at how calm I stayed for her sake. "Uh-oh. Let's clean this up"

She threw up again at 11pm and at 11:45pm. It was quiet the rest of the night, but she was NOT ready to get up this morning. Very clingy and whiney. My mom has her now and last I heard, she's feeling MUCH better. We'll see how tonight goes.

Permission to ovulate, Sir?

I just got the ok to trigger ovulation Saturday night. My IUI's will be Monday and Tuesday morning. That means I will probably have a blood test scheduled for March 20. I'm sort of nervous, but also have pretty low expectations at this point. Trying to stay positive!!!

Scary scary moment

Sometimes I swear I have more work ethic than brains. With all my lung issues, I still insisted on walking the deposit to the bank yesterday. It was too much for me to handle yet. I coughed the whole way to the bank and the whole back. It's only ONE block away! I seriously thought I was going to pass out on the street, but somehow made it back into the lobby. One co-worker fetched my rescue inhaler for me while I rested on the couch. I was still coughing so much that I couldn't get a good hit on from the inhaler. The office manager walked by on his way out to a meeting (that he was already late for) and he wouldn't leave til I felt better (what a good dude). He just didn't know what to do for me. Sometimes blowing my nose helps, so he got me a tissue. No good. Another co-worker and long-time asthma sufferer came by and asked what she could do, so I had her pound on my back with cupped hands. That calmed me down enough that I could at least hit the inhaler. Boss said today that he was about ready to call 911. Honestly, I was about ready to ask him to make that call. That was the worst asthma attack I've EVER had. I really don't feel any better today either, but was sick of laying around the house at home, and didn't feel like fooling with getting a doctor's note for being out 3 days in a row. It must be my military training. You just plain DO NOT call in sick in the Air Force.

I met my new supervisor today. Seems like a very nice man. He wants to come back next week to talk to me some more. I know the new complex-manager loves me already. (impressed by my organizational skills - which are really just survival skills so I'm not completely lost - easier to organize it now than to try and find it later). I hope the new supervisor likes me too.

Coughing up a lung

I have bronchitis on top of a sinus infection on top of a severe asthma attack. Also running a fever over 100 since Saturday. Doc gave me an antibiotic, prednisone, and instructions to hit my asthma inhaler 4 times a day. I stayed home from work Monday and Tuesday, but am braving work today. I had to go for ultrasound and bloodwork this morning anyway. Plus my Follistim refill was being delivered to the office and I need it for tonight's injection. Maybe I'll just go home now that it's been delivered. I feel completely like crap.

SO deflated

The blood test Monday was negative. Michelle said I can go straight to IVF due to my age if I so choose. The statistical success rates are the same for IUI and IVF at my age, and Dr F's office has had no successful IVF pregnancies for 40 or 41 yr old patients, so I'll be sticking the IUI.

It's SO hard to stay positive this time. I'm sure they quoted the statistics to me at the initial consultation, but I obviously tuned it out. Like Han Solo said, "Never tell me the odds!" So, now that 10% success rate in the general population for 40-41 yr olds via IVF or IUI is sinking in and it's hard to accept.

If this never happens for us, I'll be okay with that (most days) but it's the not knowing that bugs me so much. It's hard to know if this is a sign to stop or a test of my faith and perserverance. I've prayed for God to show me his will. I hesitate to ask Him to make it obvious since the incident with my sister asking the same thing*. One more cycle won't hurt anything, so I'm going for it.

Hmmm - Dr Dodson's office just called back from yesterday. I wanted to know if they had any better success rates than Dr Filer. In short, no, they haven't. They've only done 6 or 7 IVF's for >40's in the past 9 yrs and none resulted in a pregnancy. Wow. That's really hard to hear. Even harder to hear (which I was aware of but again chose to ignore) is that the chances for chromosonal abnormalities is now at 50% for me. Over age 42 it just keeps going up and up. I would never terminate due to Downs' Syndrome or something, but how hard would that be to deal with in reality?? Side thought....I suppose that's God's way of matching up longevities...older mothers giving birth to short lived babies.

All this on top of that 62 or 63 yr old mother of 10 who just delivered a healthy baby. It all makes me just want to cry WHY WHY WHY? I know better than that though.


*prayer story from my sister.... She had been working at a nursing home under a contract company. Things were getting bad there. I think the company changed hands and there was a lot of shuffling going on. She prayed for God to let her know when it was time for her leave this facility and to please make it obvious. The contract company lost the contract and the facility chose not to offer the position to my sister. So, GET OUT! was a pretty obvious sign. God does have a sense of humor. :)

Friday

BFN today but it's still way early in the game

I've been tagged by Linda

List seven songs you are into right now. No matter what the genre, whether they have words, or even if they’re any good, but they must be songs you’re really enjoying now. Post these instructions in your blog along with your seven songs. Then tag seven other people to see what they’re listening to.

1-Aerosmith: Amazing
2-Aerosmith: Cryin'
3-Aerosmith: Janie's Got a Gun
4-Bryan Adams: Cuts Like a Knife
5-Hall & Oates: Maneater
6-Bob Seger: Turn the Page
7-Phil Collins: Feel it in the Air (not sure if that's the title or just the lyrics)

SunovaHutt!

My progesterone level was low in yesterday's test, even with taking 3 of these little gelcaps a day. SO.....it's back to the progesterone injections. My butt cheeks are crying just at the thought and memory of the 3 months of injections they endured for Stefanie's sake. Well, butt cheeks, suck it up. Stefanie was SO worth it, and her sibling will be too!

No pharmacies in the area had the stuff though, so the cheeks got a 24 hour reprieve until CVS gets the drug today.

This HAS to be IT

This month HAS to be our month to get pregnant!! I felt very bloated and weird crampy Monday. I asked the CNP on Tuesday and she says it was ovulation pain. I did NOT feel anything like that last month, so this month just HAS to work!!! I'm so excited and feeling very very positive.

Plus, we discussed the possibility of a 3rd cycle if need be (which it won't!) and Steve is okay with it if I am. I feel like cartoon butterflies are flying all around me! I don't get giddy very often, but it's here for me today! Hahaha.

The end of an era?

I had my 2 inseminations Monday and today. I'm kind of sad about it. We've pretty much decided that this is our last try. The stress of the whole process has been a big weight on me. If this one doesn't stick, I'm really pretty sure we're finished trying for baby #2.

Sigh. Maybe not. Michelle (the CNP) said most people doing this procedure are pregnant within 2 to 3 cycles. If this one doesn't take, and we quit at that, I think I'd always wonder if that 3rd month would've been our month. Better talk this over some more.

Approved to trigger

Yippee!!! I can reduce my Follistim again to 175 for tonight and tomorrow morning. Then I will trigger with the Ovidrel tomorrow night!!!! My IUI's are scheduled for Monday and Tuesday mornings, which is perfect timing since our auditor is supposed to be here in the office Wednesday. I'm guessing my blood pregnancy test will be 2/21, but they should tell me for sure after the IUI Monday. WOOHOO!

Doing better

I don't know if a cycle of the injectible drugs has taught my body to start behaving or what, but my estadiol was at a very desirable level yesterday. That means I could reduce my Lupron to 5 units and my Follistim to 225 units. I stayed at 300 units of Follistim the whole time last cycle, but don't need as much this time around.

On the down side, just when the bruises on my legs and stomach cleared, here I go again, bruising myself. It looks like I've been in a fight or an accident. That's okay though; it's a mnor price to pay for the possibility of another miracle in our lives.

Dodged a bullet

Whew!!! The doc's office just called. I can go straight into the next cycle, starting with Lupron tonight. I can start the Follistim Monday morning and night, then go for bloodwork Wednesday morning. That is SUCH good news because I really really really didn't want to go on birth control again.

Grateful

Even though I'm still completely bummed about my test results yesterday, I am also extremely grateful for all the support and friendship that comforted me. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

and the fat phlebotomist sings

The blood test was negative. The CNP says most people are pregnant within 2 or 3 cycles using this method and there's no reason not to try again. I can see one more cycle, but not so sure about 2 more.

Tagged

I've been tagged by Linda

Four jobs that I have had:
Service Support Controller
Aerospace Ground Equipment Technician
Grocery store checkout
Corporate Services Clerk

Four movies that I can watch over and over again:
Any of the Star Wars series
Princess Bride
Armageddon
Excalibur

Four places I have lived:
Columbia, PA
Panama City, Panama
Godmanchester, England
Clovis, NM

Four TV shows I love to watch:
Days of our Lives
Friends
Seinfeld
Clean Sweep

Four Websites I read daily:
A Blog about my day to day life (Susan)
Fairy Flutters
Life in the Crazy House
The Pereira Pit

Four places I have been on vacation:
Isla Grande, Panama
Zwiebrucken, Germany
Disney, Florida
Atlantic City, NJ

Four favorite foods:
Linguine and white clam sauce
Chocolate covered pretzels
Lasagne
Chicken Pot Pie (PA Dutch style!!!)

Four places I’d rather be:
at home with Stefanie
shopping with Stefanie
on the playground with Stefanie
anyplace with Stefanie

Four people to tag:
I don't know any ppl who haven't been tagged already!

Sorry - just a quick update

I had a sick sitter last Friday and had to wake Stefanie's godmother to stay with her while I ran to get my ovaries fondled. They are slightly enlarged but smooth, in other words...OK. My progesterone level was also good. I'm just in that 2 wk wait mode. It is really hard to be patient but I don't want to start testing just for the sake of testing. I will test with an early HPT tomorrow morning around 6 or 6:30am. That might even be too early if I am pregnant, so if it's negative, I'm not gonna freak. I will keep testing over the weekend since I got a 3-for-the-price-of-2 pack of tests.

If I get a positive result tomorrow morning, I think the whole world is gonna know. Well at least my closest friends and my Babycenter community will know.

T minus 20 hours and counting.......

Trigger Happy

I was approved to trigger ovulation Friday night!!! One last shot (for now) sounds great to me! IUI was done Sunday and Monday mornings. Much to my surprise, IUI hurts less than a PAP smear and took less time. I had to lay there for 10 minutes after the package was delivered (reading my latest Star Wars book). Wow! Talk about 'wham bam thank you maam'!!!

Even better news....the doctor is a big Star Wars fan too!!! The Force was definately with us Sunday morning. I could feel it. And bonus brownie points....the doctor did not know about the Easter Eggs on the DVD's, so I told him how to find them.

So now, I start taking (EVIL) Progesterone pills tomorrow, go back Friday to check my blood Progesterone level and for an ovary check, then have a blood pregnancy test on the 23rd. I know I won't be able to stand it that long. I wanna see that BFP home test before the doc tells me! I'll probably take one of the early home tests late next week.

This is definately nearing the peak of the roller coaster ride this cycle!

Quick update...

I started taking the Lupron injections on 12/21 and finished taking the BCP (thank GOD!!! because it was seriously giving me some hormone induced meltdowns) on 12/25. My bloodwork on 12/30 was all good so I started the Follistim injections on 12/30, twice daily, 300 units each, and reduced the Lupron to 5 units instead of 10. I had my first ultrasound 1/4 and I have 5 (yes, count them, 5!!) follicles developing. What a nice birthday present for me! Apparently 5 follicles is pretty darn good. My next ultrasound is 1/6 to monitor the number and growth of follicles. I'm hoping for the go ahead to trigger ovulation very soon!

Yet another obstacle

Not only did my estrogen not go down , it went WAY up - to 106. The infertility doctor doesn't know what's wrong with me that I'm so estrogen-challenged. I had 2 options: go on birth control for 3 weeks to lower my level (and lose this cycle) or take injections of Antigon to hopefully lower it. I took 4 injections then got re-tested. It didn't work. Just as well, since I broke out in hives after the 4th injection. So, back to the bcp choice and I lost this cycle. Sigh. Giving myself the injections turns out to be no big deal. I hate needles, but have baby fever worse than the needle phobia.

I will start the Luprolide injections on Dec 21, take the last BCP on the 25th, should finish this cycle around the 28th, then go for the usual ultrasound/bloodwork on the 30th.

Ya know, originally, this blog was supposed to be the place for me to write "my story" mostly about my time with my ex, but it's turned into a "what's happening now in my life". Hmmm.

Estrogen Estrogen Estrogen!

I was so excited yesterday because I thought I'd be starting my injectible infertility drugs today. But, no. My estrogen level is too HIGH! They couldn't do the IUI's because the level was too low and now I'm too high? It's all relative. When I was too low, I was at 70-something and then 96, but they wanted to see it over 200. Now it's at 52 and they want to see it below 50 before I can start the injections.

Now I'm just frustrated and feeling like an imcompetent woman again. Tomorrow morning I will get more blood work and hopefully it'll be a go to start injections tomorrow night.

Oh no! Not again!

Yes, again! My estrogen level is still WAY too low to do IUI this month. The 150mg Clomid only brought it up to 96 (from 70-something last month). They want it to be over 200 but would give IUI a shot if it were at least 150. There is only 3% of the population that responds to 200mg Clomid when they didn't respong to 150mg. It's rather pointless to hope that I'm in that 3%, so we are moving on to the injectible fertility drugs. I have to go for an injectibles instruction/education appointment next Tuesday. The only issue I have with the injectibles at this point is that they increase the chance of multiples. I really don't want to be having a litter of babies.

I feel so inadequate and incompetant, so incomplete, so let down and wiped out every month that I'm not pregnant. Thus is the cost of having waited so long......

Here we go again

So, today is day 10 of this cycle. I finished the 150 mg of Clomid on Sunday and start taking the ovulation predictor kits tomorrow. Here comes the emotional roller coaster again!

Trick or Treat!

We had the BEST time with trick or treat last night! Stefanie, dressed as Yoda, enjoyed running up the sidewalk to the few houses we visited. Better than anything, she loved handing out the candy. One of her new 'words' is h'go - her word for here ya go. Some of the kids got 2 treats as Stefanie was feeling generous to certain characters. There was only one incidence of her trying to take candy out of somebody's goody bag. Even if there were no trick-or-treaters at the moment, she was handing candy out to the sidewalk, and the marigolds, and the porch step. What a blessing this little girl is to our family!