Request for prayers

I got this email from Shawn:

please pray today that God pulls a miracle today. The system is very frustrating at times, cause we had to take the girls back to their foster homes last night. The Lehigh case worker was sick yesterday and unavailable to approve of us keeping them. All this after such a great weekend with them, and yesterday hearing from the older two that they want to stay here and be a "forever family" with us. After many tears and explaining that we love them so much, and will be coming back for them, little Ni-Ni looked up to vonne and said "don't you want us?" i'm crying so hard right now i can hardly type..... thinking of those big brown eyes with a look of rejection... lots of sadness after such joy.... i'm literally shaking thinking she is waking up wondering where she is once again i her short life.
we need a miracle to expedite this process. i've sent this to you because i know you will pray. thank-you. shawn.

I will try to get an update of this wonderful past weekend typed up today and posted tonight or tomorrow.

Live journal

Now I'm blocked from Jeni's blog too. ACK! What could be next? Wait. I take back the question. I don't want to know. I don't want anything else to be next.

Vacation day

I spent my entire vacation day cleaning this house. I even dusted and de-cluttered my bedroom. The first dog that pees or pukes on the clean carpets is getting her little black furry butt KICKED! The first husband that overfills his coffee cup and spills it allover the clean carpets is getting CUT OFF!

I'm so proud of myself.


ps - our microwave is dead. It would cost $228 to repair it so we'll just be buying a new one soon. Meanwhile, we have the old countertop version to use.

Insurance companies suck

I’m still fighting with the insurance company about last cycle’s PGD. They’re saying $350 is the max allowable and have applied that to my deductible. Umm exsqueeze me, but last cycle they paid $1665: $350 towards deductible, $394.50 towards co-insurance (my 20%), and $920.50 paid to me. I asked to have it sent back for review and got the same answer. I asked again to have it sent back for review and reference the claim from December. It’s still in review.

I was finally able to get into the BCBS site and they are indeed submitted with different procedure codes. It looks like I will have to 1) look at what I submitted 2) wait til this claim comes out of review and 3) ask the RE to give me a billing with the original procedure code so I can resubmit and get paid. $900 is a good chunk towards the $3300 we need to come up with out of pocket for the next cycle.

I’m not sure I’d announced it anywhere, but we’re waiting til the November IVF cycle. There’s just too much going on in September. I will actually start injections in October so it’s not really waiting much longer.

Steve woke up this morning with crusty pink eyes. My ear and throat hurt like crazy and my voice (my boys lol) failed me for awhile this morning. Steve had laryngitis from Wed or Thurs last week til Sun or Mon. His ear hurt a few days ago. I guess I'm following in his germy footsteps and he's following (at least partially) in Stef's. We left a message for the CRNP yesterday. We'll see what she says after he talks to her sometime today.

Krista and Angela - It looks like the weather is going to be perfect for you Friday.

I'm trying...

I've been trying to get on the computer at home more often, but it just doesn't always work that way. I've started carrying a floppy disk with me so I can type up blog entries at work then C&P them once I get home. Friday was a horrendously busy day, so I didn't get anything typed up.

Anyway, the weekend was busy. We went to swim school, got there late because of Stef's dawdling, then she didn't want to swim anyway. Hmmm, there might be a connection there. Then we went to the Rag Shop one last time looking for parts of her Bumble Bee Halloween costume. We got the yellow bodice fabric and the black stripes. Next we went to FIL's so he could take us to the Reading Fair. It was fun, mostly. Stef started being uncooperative and having mini-meltdowns so we left before FIL was really ready to, but she just couldn't take anymore so ohwell.

Sunday was a quiet kind of a day...laundry and grocery shopping. And I seem to have lost my cell phone. I already called the grocery store, no luck. I did stop at JoAnn's to get the Tulle for Stef's bumblebee. I have to wait til they open. If they don't have it I'll have to report it as lost to Cingular. :( I tried calling it and can't hear my Cantina Band song playing in the Vue or in the house. If it were turned off or had a dead battery, it would go straight to voicemail, which it doesn't.

Anyway, in case any of you in my phone book gets a call from a stranger or you try calling me, now you know why I am not on the other end of the call.

Elisa's poll

1. What kind of soap is in your bathtub right now?
Olay and Avon bath liquids

2. Do you have any watermelon in your refrigerator?
not right now

3. Is there anything moldy in your refrigerator?
probably

4. Are there any dirty dishes in your sink?
yep

5. What would you change about your living room?
paint the walls and change the curtains – I have fabric to make new drapes

6. Are the dishes in your dishwasher clean or dirty?
clean

7. Do you have a can of mushrooms in your pantry?
yes – but not in the pantry – on the shelves in the basement

8. White or wheat bread?
either

9. What is on top of your refrigerator?
my meds, playdoh, scissors, dust bunnies

10. What color is your sofa?
tan

11. What color or design is on your shower curtain?
purple stripey type pattern

12. How many plants are in your home?
4 but only because I’ve killed so many lately

13. How many candles are in your home?
5 or 6

14. Is your bed made right now?
no

15. If you have a coffee pot, what color is it?
black

16. Electric or standard can opener?
electric

27. Comet or Soft Scrub?
Soft Scrub

28. Is your closet organized?
yes, sort of

29. What color is the flashlight that you use the most?
chrome

30. What kinds of things are in your junk drawer?
tape, batteries, gas grill lighter, screwdriver, twisty ties, and a whole bunch of other crap I’d love to toss

31. Do you drink out of glass or plastic most of the time at home?
glass

32. Do you have iced tea made in a pitcher right now?
no - yuck

33. If you have a garage, is it cluttered?
of course – also on the list of places to declutter

34. Curtains or blinds?
both

35. How many pillows do you sleep with?
two

36. Do you sleep with any lights on at night?
no

37. How many ceiling fans are in your home?
4 but Steve has another to hang in the living room

38. How often do you vacuum?
hahahahaha!!!

40. What color is your toothbrush?
blue/white – Braun Oral B

41. Do you have a welcome mat on your front porch?
yes

42. What is in your oven right now?
nothing

43. Is your microwave clean or dirty?
clean

44. Is there anything under your bed?
the extra leaves to our dining room table, a box of off season clothes, and our winter comforter – also probably some dog toys and maybe a few Stef toys

45. Chore you hate doing the most?
Cleaning the bathroom

46. What retro items are in your home?
retro? How old does it have to be to be retro?

47. Do you have a separate room that you use as an office?
no

48. If you have a yard, who mows it?
Steve

49. Is there anything on your kitchen floor right now?
yes

50. How many mirrors are in your home?
3

51. Do you have any hidden emergency money around your home?
yes – in my wallet

52. What color are your walls?
mostly white, peach powder room, mint green Stef’s room, purple guest room, one green wall in the dining room

53. Which rooms in your house have wallpaper?
none

54. Do you have a peephole in your front door?
no but we don’t need one with Precious

55. Do you keep any kind of protection weapons in your home?
Just Precious and my lightsabers

56. What does your home smell like right now?
dog

57. Fave candle scent
cinamon

58. What kind of pickles (if any) are in your refrigerator right now?
dill

59. Who are in the pictures you displayed?
Stef, me, Steve, Presh, Ellie, my sister, mom, and neice, Steve’s mom and dad

60. What color is your favorite bible?
black

61. Do you have plenty of cabinet space in your kitchen?
yes

62. Ever been on your roof?
no

62. Do you own a stereo?
yes

63. How many tvs do you have?
3

64. How many house phones?
4

65. Do you have a housekeeper?
LMTO

66. What style do you decorate in?
eclectic

67. Do you like solid colors in furniture or prints?
solid

68. Is there a smoke detector in your home?
7

68. In case of fire, what are the items you would grab if you only could make one quick trip?
Stef, Presh, photo albums

69. Do you know how to work your electrical box?
yes

70. What temperature in your home is most comfortable to you?
69

Last one, I promise

even more Sarah

more Sarah

Sarah with Freznel Lenz

A few recent pix

update

The only new news I have on Teresa is that she's still hanging in there. Her doctor said he's never had a patient survive this operation. They brought her out of the coma. Steven and his girlfriend Leslie were in visiting her, then left so Cindy could go in (only 2 at a time allowed). T told Cindy that there was a doctor and nurse in moments ago that looked just like Steven and Leslie. ROFLMTO! Classic Teresa. Oh, and Wendy said she has Beurgers Disease (or syndrome or whatever) and hadn't found out much online about it yet. I'll look for it tomorrow.

I'm still hacking up a lung. It's only getting worse. I had to promise my mom that I'd go to the doctor tomorrow if it's not better. I just started taking Robitussin dexamethoraphan pills tonight. I don't notice it giving my cough much supression yet. It's ironic. I returned an unopened bottle of those pills after Ellie passed. Those were for preventing the ramp up of her pain.

I have some video clips of Sarah (my neice) singing with Freznel Lenz last night. I will try to post them and a slideshow a bit later but it's thundering right now, so....toodles!

My friend Teresa Mae

I've been friends with Teresa since 1978. I started out being friends/penpals with her older sister Cindy, but got closer to Teresa. I'm still friends with Cindy and their brother Bubba (they're from Richmond), too. We all spent a lot of summers together since their dad was married to my friend Wendy. Even after they divorced, I went down to VA one summer and Teresa came up to PA for the whole summer in 1983.

She's so funny and such a cool chick. Even though she's 4 years younger than me, I wanted to be like her but protect her like a little sister at the same time. As the years after that summer of 83 passed, we fell out of contact, only touching base with each other once every few years, then not really at all when I was with my ex. (Isolation is the most important tool of an abuser). After I came home from the Air Force and made contact with Wendy again, she urged me to try and get in touch with my VA pals again, at least for the sake of her younger son, Steven, who is their half-brother. Amazingly, I can STILL remember their mom's phone number, although she's since moved and gotten a new number.

I called one day and Brenda answered! This was about 2 weeks before Teresa's wedding and they were SO glad I'd called. We were all invited to the wedding, for which we happily drove 3 hrs south. It still makes me cry to think that my memory of that phone number helped reunite a family. It was extremely emotional for me to watch Cindy and Steven dance at the reception, talking and crying. Steven had thought they'd all forgotten and abandoned him. Cindy had tried for years to find Steven, with no luck.

Anyway, contact was very sparse again with me. I invited them all to my wedding in 97 but none of them came. I sent Christmas cards and never got any back. So, I really stopped trying.

Earlier this spring, Wendy asked me to meet her, Steven and his 2 children, Cindy and her 2 daughters, and Cindy's grandson at the Arby's. It was really great seeing Cindy again. She brought me up to date on Teresa too. As a kid, they'd thought T might have had epilepsy. Turns out she has some strange clotting disorder and had probably actually had mini-strokes when they thought she was having a seizure. By this point in her life, she had a diagnosis of MS, 3 or 4 full blown strokes, a wonderful 7 yr old son (described by Cindy as a miracle baby because T should not have been able to conceive, let alone carry a baby), and a LOT of frustration in not being able to do what she wanted to do as fast as she thought she should be able to. "Everything takes too damn long" is her favorite saying lately.

Two days ago, Wendy called to let me know that Teresa is in the hospital. She had another stroke while on vacation at Nags Head, but refused to go to any of the local hospitals. So they brought her home and took her to the ER in Richmond. There was 100% blockage in her blood vessel (I assume in one going to her brain - Wendy isn't sure). The doctors told her husband that they had 2 choices. 1) Operate immediately and then have no guarantee of how long she'd live or 2) don't operate and she'd be dead within 30 minutes. So they took off about half of her skull to relieve pressure on her brain. Her skull is sewn into her abdomen, to keep the tissue and bone alive. She's in a drug induced coma. They brought her out of it long enough to ask if she could move her hands and feet and if she could hear them. All of those were a YES, so that's a good sign. They put her back in the coma, because it's apparently quite painful to have your skull stored in your belly. They're waiting for the brain swelling to go down before doing anything else. She currently has a 50/50 shot at surviving.

If you're the praying type, please pray for her and her family. Even though I'm not really close anymore, I still love her like a little sister. And her son deserves to have a mom longer than 7 years. I'll update as I get info from Wendy.

The threat now has a date

I may be MIA as of Thursday. Mother Merrill will be blocking internet access to sites with chat functionality, email, message boards and clubs, gaming, and objectionable content starting open-of-busines Thursday. I'll sure try, that's for sure!

I don't wanna go to school today!!

Okay, make that to work, but it's what I was whining this morning. Steve is staying home sick today. Stef was sneezing all day Thursday, then woke up with a snoot full of snot Friday (which cancelled the swimming, but we just went to Lori's house and hung out for a few hours, which was very nice and relaxing except that I hate her ;) ) Now it seems that Steve has whatever Stef has plus he has body aches and an upset stomach too. His boss has it too and so was very understanding about calling off.

Here is an update on the to-do list:

X yard cleanup
living room declutter
bedroom declutter
sewing
paint stairwell
/ paint powder room (almost finished - just need to do a little more sponging and then the trim)
X run the chipper for Omi
X defrost chest freezer
pantry cleanout/reorganize
X type up insurance list for Omi
X change light shade for Omi
X help MIL pack
X go swimming with ex-co-worker Fri pm

Not too shabby! I'll work on the rest as time allows (HA!!!)

Vacation to-do list

Day 1 - I slept in til 9am. Ahhhhhh. I crossed off Running the chipper for Omi - only because I couldn't get the damned thing started. Omi came up to my house and planted a few things she'd been saving for me but didn't trust to give me until she KNEW they'd get planted. I've killed several gift plants by taking the home and letting them sit on the patio til they were dead.

Day 2 - I got up by 8am. Still ahhhhhhh. I cleaned up the kitchen and worked on the laundry til Stef woke up. We ate breakfast and I took her to school. I got the rest of the yard cleanup finished, or at least as much as I can do this week since we're limited to 3 bags of trash/week. I did more laundry and started painting the powder room. I decided on 2 shades of peach. I asked Steve for his input and he could really care less what color is on the walls...so it's ALL MINE!!! I got the first coat on the medicine cabinet, then it was time to get Stef.

Day 3 - I vacuumed the downstairs, then Stef and I went to MIL's to help her pack (for the 7th house since I met her 10 yrs ago!!!). We packed for about 2 hrs then ate lunch and got ready to go to the pool in her trailer park. We spent about 2 hrs there. It was really fun, once I got Stef to go in the big pool with me, rather just splashing around in the baby pool. She did really well, even being a Klingon the whole time.

Day 4 - I slept in til 9:30!! And Stef didn't get up til 10:30! Holy crap! Swimming can really take it out of a person. Late breakfast and one load of laundry later, I took her to school. We got there just in time for nap time. Of course she started to pitch a fit when I tried to leave so I sat down next to her nap cot and rubbed her back but really doubted a nap would happen because of sleeping so late. When Miss Milly (the helper) came back in the room, we talked and she offered Stef to go play with the computer so I could leave. Worked like a charm! Now, here I sit, thinking about how many things are left on my list and knowing I have to pick up Stef around 3:30 or 4 so we can go take MIL out for her birthday dinner. I also have to call the pedi dentist to schedule her tooth-filling ordeal, now that I checked and found out that is a normal/standard way of doing it. I'll be heading down to do some more painting and hopefully will get to vac the upstairs and defrost the chest freezer in the next 2 hours. HA!

Here is the list:

X yard cleanup
living room declutter
bedroom declutter
sewing
paint stairwell
paint powder room
X run the chipper for Omi
defrost chest freezer
pantry cleanout/reorganize
type up insurance list for Omi
change light shade for Omi
X help MIL pack
go swimming with ex-co-worker Fri pm

Ambitious little vacationer, aint I?

Vacation

I'm on vacation all next week. Not going anywhere though. I have a to-do list that I'd like to make a dent in. We're supposed to go swimming with a former co-worker that Friday. That's the only day I have firm plans (unless Ang wants to do something Monday). Of course, Murphy's Law takes over and MIL asks if I can come let the movers in her house and point out which things they're supposed to take - Friday afternoon! She's trying to find someone else, but it made me feel like shit to say we had plans. She's helped us out with things like that many times and I hate letting anyone down, even her. Sigh...I might still do it and just go swimming a little later in the afternoon.

More threats...

Just in case I disappear, it's because they're talking about blocking all the fun websites again. The rollout is supposed to be finished by the end of August.

They say about having a legitimate business need for unblocking sites....is maintaining sanity a legit business need?

And on the infertility front....

This last cycle was positively devastating. I was SO sure it was going to work. I had myself believing that Ellie's death was wrapped up in a new baby's arrival.

I hope this doesn't offend any of you who've had a "real" miscarriage, but that's how I feel about the 2 failed IVF's. That they were really miscarriages. I knew they were both boys. I knew they were healthy growing embryos. And yet, I couldn't carry them. I'm starting to think I just can't carry boys - like Crystal feels she can't carry girls. Who knows.

I went thru an almost total shutdown this time. I couldn't talk to anybody about it, not even Steve or Angela, my mom or Von. I resent my body. I resent myself for waiting so long. I resent the people who tell me to just be happy with my one perfect little daughter. I resent my thoughtless MIL for practically insisting we go visit her sister's new grandson and then talking so much about him when she came over to our house.

I can't just turn off the baby fever or the feeling that my family is just not yet complete. I'm very tired of all the poking, prodding, ultrasounds, injections, running to the doctor's office. Well, I was anyway.

I talked to Von at length on Friday. Von is Stef's godmother, childless, older than me by 5 or 6 yrs, and just as desperate for children. She and Shawn are in the middle of the adoption process. I guess she helped put things in perspective for me. I do have one more chance. The insurance will pay for one more IVF. She and Steve both think we should use that one more chance or I'd forever wonder what if...

I had to decide, too, whether to use my own sad eggs, or accept the offer of egg donation from either 1 or 2 of my dear friends. The insurance treats an egg donation cycle the same as an IVF cycle with my own eggs. It would count as my 3rd of the 3 they'll pay for. I'm going for it, with my own eggs. It's what feels right. I will likely try for the next cycle at the RE in the week of Sept 10. I just have to take that next step of calling and talking to them.

Expired

I finally figured out yesterday that my rescue inhaler expired last fall. Hmmm. Suddenly when I switched to a newer one (that expires next month), my breathing is improving. If all else fails, read the instructions!

I'm pretty sure I have a sinus infection/bronchitis/asthma attack all going on here so I'll finally (sigh) call the doctor. I was trying to explain to Steve yesterday why I hate going to the doctor so much. My older brother Kenny, died of viral pneumonia when he was 5 weeks old. Out of a knee jerk panic reaction (not that I blame her), my mom rushed me to the doctor for every little sniffle my whole childhood. I just don't like going now. I won't even think about calling until I can't stand myself.

If they'd been open yesterday, I'd have been calling. I had a bad asthma coughing fit when I got up that lasted a good 15 minutes. Exhausting.


UPDATE: I just got back from the doctor's office. They don't see any signs of infection (inflamation, etc) so she's gonna call it a virus. It's like a cold but lasting longer. She gave me a Rx for Amoxicillan that she said she'd encourage me NOT to fill (which I don't think I can take anyway being allergic to Penicillan). And a big fat NO to taking Prednisone too, unless I get worse. So, it was basically a THANKS FOR THE TWENTY BUCKS appt. Bleh!